Dating Rapscallions

Learning and growth. 

Sometimes I feel like I have just about learned all I want to. 

When I was recently divorced not the old sage I am now, my Mom told me to beware of wolves in sheep's clothing. Of course, I felt like I had a good grip on life and dating and could spot a wolf a mile away. I have learned that this is not always so. 

One of the problems for me especially is my heart is heavily guarded in a formidable fortress. It's true. I am constantly working on this and the fear of trusting someone again completely can be emotionally paralyzing. When I think of what this might look like my all time favorite Disney movie comes to mind. 

Sleeping Beauty's castle. My heart is secure in there, no can get in or out but it is safe, right? Briars and thorns grow over the path...just in case. 

I have said before it takes the truly persistent to break through these barriers I have put in place for my safety. Occasionally, I will permit someone to break through these walls. This feels like a great risk to me emotionally. It doesn't happen very often, and I can easily say that only two men walk freely behind these walls that are not directly related to me. They have proven themselves to be knights welcome at the Sunny D's round table. 

Recently, I had an experience that wrenched the entrance gates of my castle right off their hinges. This man was smart, witty, a handsome devil. He was charming and boy oh boy did he make me laugh. He charmed my children and for a minute I thought....holy cow I actually like this one. Trust me, I was surprised. Plus. PLUS he was persistent. I started to fall a little, I'm not gonna lie. But then things got weird and things didn't add up. I wasn't sure if this was new stuff or old stuff. There were so many questions churning their way in my brain. CHUG CHUG CHUG my brain would start..... waking me up at 2:30 in the morning unable to go back to sleep. 

Well, it turned out he was a rapscallion who liked to play emotional Russian Roulette with my emotions.

And I learned some stuff. 

1. My instincts are good

2. I did the ugly cry, the really cleansing ugly cry and I realized that some of it was for this situation and a lot of it was old stuff. Some of it was hopes that felt dashed, the let down, and a lot of it was pure exhaustion. 

3. I turned to the Lord when I had questions, I asked advice from people I trusted and I went to counseling to work through all of these feelings I had to make sense of them. I wanted to proceed in a healthy way. I prayed, I pondered, I read my scriptures and I went to the temple.

4. I crashed and burned last weekend. But when I did I can't tell you the outpouring of love I received. I had random presents left for me by students and friends, ward members with the kindest notes. My aunt  sent me a note that I received Monday morning on my way to work as I checked my mail. It was inspired and filled with words that were so comforting. How could she have known? I cried and I was grateful. My family rallied around me as did my friends. I'm not kidding. I received a note, bubble bath, Dior lip gloss, a mini key lime pie from Kneaders, a Diet Coke delivered to school, my primary class was taken care of for me on Sunday, my Mom after not hearing from me knew something was wrong came and picked me up to bring me to her house to feed me. I received great counsel from my Dad. The outpouring of love blew my mind. My friends have rallied around me and I know, I know the Lord loves me. In fact, I am almost sure I am his very favorite. Shouldn't we all be, the Lord's very favorite? 

My home teachers came over with their newly returned missionary. We have a good relationship, they have known me for at least a decade. I poured my pathetic little heart out to them and they in turn just loved me. I received some of the best counsel from that cute little missionary. He told me to watch this mormon message I would like you to watch. It changed my whole perspective of the situation. It is called, Wrong Roads. Click there to watch. 

So I think in some ways, thank you rapscallion because of you I see the Lord's hand in my life. I am supported. I am loved and the gates have been ripped off their rusty old hinges of my scary fortress. My heart is exposed and guess what....I am ok. 

XOXO- The Sunny D- Back in the dating saddle.