I've Got Soul but I'm Not a Soldier-The Killers

I had been feeling like my life was stagnant, predictable, and lacking personal growth. SO, I began to pray for help in that area. That I would be able to grow as a human. 

 I am not sure how to describe my life or how it feels to live it. It just is what it is. It is busy, and the work days are long and I love it. However, there are times that I get tired, very tired like BONE tired. I am a teacher and I love it so much but I think it is a job that one cannot describe adequately how difficult it is. It is difficult because children deserve nothing but your VERY best every single day. That is what I bring to the table, my best, academically, professionally, and personally. I have 24 little gems that I am trying to fill with love and confidence all day, every day. It takes a toll. 

Typically, because my children come to school with me as soon as my 24 gems leave, my two treasures are waiting for me and they NEED me. They need my help, and love, and assurance. Plus ,I have work to do, ends to tie up, meetings to attend, and stuff to get done. Which then bleeds into being present for my children and doing FHE, and cooking dinner, talking, making lunches, making sure teeth are brushed and showers are had. Or it is running to sports practices where I try to fit in some semblance of exercise or a walk or SOMETHING. ( Walking while Ellie was at volleyball practice, I found a lucky penny and you can bet your bottom dollar I put that thing right in my pocket)

Or scouts, or activity days, or Orthodontist appointments, or cutting your son's hair...it is always something. It is often me giving of myself until all of my emotional energy is dried up and there is not much left for me. In fact very little.

But I try to carve out time and I try to give myself a chance to fill my emotional tank. My opportunity for growth came at one of these times. It was not what I had in mind for personal growth. Not even close. Like not even minutely close. However, it has come and gone and I am learning, being stretched and trying to be better. I learned a lot about myself and a lot of it wasn't pretty or palatable. 

I learned that:

Feeling stuck drives me crazy

My expectations are unrealistic....but are they? I am still mulling this one over

If I am going to be off for a week and stuck somewhere it needs to be my home. My home is a happy place for me. 

I do not respond well when already maxed out on stress levels and extra stressors are added. 

I struggle when there is a plan and the plan changes in my personal life, at work I am SUPER flexible and at home I am too...so that is interesting

Sometimes you just need to feel like you are special. My friend said it best, "When you are a single Mom and you have your children a lot of the time, plus you work with children all of the time your regular life is chaotic and busy and you have zero time for yourself. Giving your time to someone else is a true act of sacrifice because it is your most valuable commodity. If you are using your time to spend with someone else it needs to count. You need a few moments to feel special." 

There are many things out of my control and I can only control what I can, which is me. 

My heart broke and I imploded. I needed rest, and peace, and a little TLC and I had a very adverse reaction when that did not happen. 

I am responsible for my actions and taking some time to look at the way I handle stress and am working on it.

In all of this I realized a few places in my life where I needed to ask for forgiveness and mend some fences and that was an amazing experience. 

I have very little conflict in my life and so when there is conflict I am not very good at navigating it but that doesn't mean I can't learn a better way.

 Prayer answered. 

Am I grateful my prayer was answered? Yes. I see my faults easily, they are magnified, open wounds. I am not sure how to heal them but I am taking steps and this is where I get to rely on My Father in Heaven because a lot of things are out of my hands and also I have to fix and work on the parts of me that are ugly. You know, that is ok. It is OK to have ugly parts of you that you don't like and that make you cringe a bit. It is ok, and this is why Christ is important to me....he loves me. He sees the very best of me and the worst of me and helps me to move from the worst towards being better. Kindly. Gently. Not blaming, or mean, or angry, just gentle guidance towards a better version of me. That is personal growth. I don't think I was ready to look at this part of myself until now, I am ready to be a better, more authentic, true version of myself. I want to be the person my Father in Heaven sees and knows I can be. 

I love Brene Brown and her research and data on shame and vulnerability. She quotes Teddy Roosevlet's 1910 speech. He says, “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

I walked into the arena and I am still in the arena, face down. And I am ok. I was brave and vulnerable and I did not go gracefully but it is still OK. I am still here, I am still me, I am still present, and I still bring my best. I am so grateful, so grateful for the learning and growth occurring at this personal level. I was able to walk back into my life and love, serve, and even play a little to get that much needed rest. I wish I could change things. I wish things were different. But they aren't. So, I will sit up and I will own what needs to be owned and I will work to improve. I've got soul but I am not a soldier. 

Which leads me to....this weekend. 

I was in a safe place with people I love. I served with some of my kindest sweetest friends and their kids and Ellie at Feed My Starving Children. Which felt SO good and happy to be helping others. 

 I met Tess and Heather for dinner and some processing of last weeks events. Like true friends do, they point out your yucky parts and give helpful kind suggestions of how to be better, what to do differently and they listen and they don't give you a hard time about the amount of Diet Coke you drink. That's love. And you shop, and when you buy the exact same shirt that your friend is wearing and you put it on right then because you are freezing cold and she doesn't care. 

I love The Killers. I love concerts. I love the energy. I love being part of a crowd and observing but being in my own head and kind of invisible. I love dancing and letting my hair down and singing along. I love feeling safe with my friend right behind me. I love glasses of lemonade and free tacos.  I love that the Killers are clean in their speech and lyrics. I LOVE that there is no political agenda. It is just music. Beautiful, soulful, music that resonates in my soul. All These Things That I've Done Here is one of my favorites. If you see me driving around and rocking out it is probably to this. 

I love the Arizona life. Everything is so close and easy to get to. Friends and Family. A beautiful career. Learning. An Imperfectly Perfect life. 

XOXO- The Sunny D.....While everyone's lost, the battle is won, With all these things that I've done.