A-HA! By George, I Think She's Got It. FINALLY.

My "Journal"

 I wouldn't say that is really a journal. It is more like a place I take notes, make lists, goals etc. I take this book to most important church meetings that I attend. I have taken notes on several Women's Conferences, Stake Conferences, General Conferences, Stake Relief Society Conferences....OK lets just say lots of conferences. 

Last weekend, I took this little notebook to yet another conference. The Huntington Beach Singles Conference. I opened my book up and I realized that I was at the end of it. Just a few precious pages left, that's all. I flipped to the front of it and realized I had started this book in 2008. The speaker at the conference talked on but I was transported in my mind's eye to 2008. The feelings, the insecurities, the confusion came rushing back to me of that time, I felt as if I wasn't even in the HB conference at all but back at BYU Women's conference. I had listed FIVE goals in the front of this book that I had made for myself at the Women's Conference. I realized that I had attained each and every one. That the lessons I have learned in the last five years have been although painful, invaluable to my personal progression and growth. I took a moment to thank Heavenly Father for my blessings and flipped to the end of the book mentally fast forwarding to the present. 

I have had a question, well not really a question but more of a "wondering" on my mind the last few months. I won't go into detail as this is a question close to my heart, and one in which I am still struggling through. However, I do want to share with you how aware Father in Heaven is of me, and by doing this I hope you, my friends will realize that He is aware of you too. Heavenly Father is one of my biggest advocates, he knows me, he loves me, he wants so much to help me, sometimes I just get in the way. As you will see. 

A few weeks ago, I began to wonder about my "wondering." I began the search to my problem the way I usually do. On my knees in prayer, asking for help and understanding. The question I have is a baffling one. In fact it is a MYSTERY. At least, to me it is. After I prayed, I felt discouraged and I reached for my scriptures. I felt I should turn to Alma 32. I couldn't at the time recall what that chapter was about, you see my memory isn't the greatest. As I began to read, I realized it was the chapter about faith. Here it is: 

There is a note in the upper right hand corner that was exactly what I needed to hear. I read until I was nodding off, I felt peaceful. I knew that I needed to have more Faith.

A funny thing happens with me, I get these great reassurances and then I start to worry again. SO by the end of the next night, I was perplexed again with the same question. I was exhausted as I had worked an extra long day. I prayed and then I reached for my scriptures. I just didn't have the energy to read that night, I felt heavy with discouragement but as I turned the page I read this:

JUST BEGIN TO BELIEVE. 

You see Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knows when my mind is so full I can't even handle reading a verse of scripture, yet he STILL tells me exactly what it is I need to hear. I felt so peaceful and I knew what I needed to do. Just begin to believe. Do you think it was a coincidence that this exact phrase was right where I needed it to be, on the night I needed it to be there? No. It is not.  The weekend was busy, and I was busy too trying to believe. 

Monday rolled around, and I have this FHE folder with lessons that are all ready to go. They are PERFECT for my family and their ages. There is a lesson, a scripture to memorize that week, and a game. Guess what the next lesson was about? Can you guess? Because of course, I was starting to lack some Faith......and doubt, and worry, then WHAM............Seriously. The next lesson in the binder.

Now, I still did not realize that Heavenly Father was giving ME a message, did I feel peace each time? Yes. Was I reminded that he was aware of me? Yes. That he knows my needs? Yes. Was I given the peace and comfort I needed to sleep? Yes. Was I still grappling with doubt? Yes. 

I tried to have more faith, I prayed for help to have more faith. I hoped for what I can not see, or understand, or do anything about....my "wondering" and I still worried and then I would hope, and then I would doubt, and then I would hope and then I went to the Huntington Beach Singles Conference. 

Where I learned a lot, AND got three dates. So that was fun. However, the dates had nothing to do with my question. I wrote in a past post that I was lucky. I wrote about a walk I went on that I was spending some quiet contemplative time, I was continually reminded how lucky I am. I counted my blessings, I was so thankful and I spent about a half an hour telling Heavenly Father that I was. I felt spiritually prepared for sacrament meeting. Where the topic was................

You guessed it. 

Faith. 

I took notes in my handy dandy notebook. I remember thinking, well this IS interesting isn't it. The topic is FAITH. When a cross reference to ALMA 32:21 was stated from the pulpit. 

Hebrews 11:1. How Faith Works. Things that are hoped for and not seen. 

And I kind of went, oh..wow, weird. This is what I have been working on all this time. Hmm, so interesting. I realized that I don't have to have all the details. It was right HERE on this page that I realized that having hope was enough. You see, as a Teacher it is my JOB to plan out the details to know exactly what we are going to do, and when, and how it will play out. As a mother it is my JOB to PLAN AHEAD. I AM A PLANNER, A DOER, A LIST MAKER, A CALENDAR FILLER. I like to know what is going on in my life. The who's, the when's and the how's. I am a thinker, I analyze. It is just who I am. SO Faith, you see is sometimes a hard thing for me to grasp because in all other aspects of my life when I plan and do things, they turn out the way I want them to. They go the way I expect. 

With FAITH, you have hope and then you do all you can do, and then..............................WHEN YOU STILL HAVE YOUR "WONDERING" , and you then try to have more hope and keep hoping, and hoping, and working, and hoping, and WAITING...................and you CAN'T FORESEE the ANSWER to what you are WONDERING ABOUT. SIGH. Doesn't that just make you feel tired. 

Anyway, It all began to make sense and THEN JUST TO MAKE SURE..............a few pages of notes later, 8 pages later to be exact. I came across this as I finished my page of notes..............

HEBREWS 11:1 Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

 My eyes may have literally bugged OUT of my head. It was right here that the so called nail was put in the coffin of my "wondering." It was here I FINALLY went, A-HA! Follow the arrow...."I think the Lord's telling me something." I had FIVE, kind, gentle, REMINDERS, that I had been praying for, ALL THIS TIME. It took about a MONTH for me to figure this out with help as you can obviously see. It was right here that I took this wondering, and I handed it over to Heavenly Father because I couldn't do anything about it. It was here, that the weight of it was lifted off of my shoulders. And it was here, that I knew everything would be JUST FINE, if I just kept hoping. 

Moral to this little diddy: 

1. The Lord is infinitely aware of me (and YOU) 

2. He wants to help me ( and YOU)

3. Sometimes I am REALLY, REALLY slow to catch on

4. But it is ok, because the Heavenly Father loves me and is SO patient and will just keep reminding me until I "get it" 

5. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES when it comes to Heavenly Father

6. I am valued, loved, and important

7. We have to ask for his help, and sometimes wrestle a bit until the answer comes full circle

8. Every little thing, will be alright. 

Happy Sunday,

The Sunny D  XOXO