WHAT the Hay?

Why? Why is this SO TRUE?

I was at UADLL's house the other night, I walked over and she fed me a bean burro. I think it was the best bean burro I had ever had. Probably because I didn't have to make it. She and I were talking, and we decided to "shop" on my LDS Planet online dating account. I hadn't looked at it in months. There were the usual guys. The "Moroni's", "hugabears", "babe4Uforeva", "sweetbballa", "workalldaytillidie", you know there are TYPES of guys. We giggled because there were the same ole' same ole' the guys that look at your profile 15 times. ( by this I mean, look at my profile AND her profile, which means they are looking at EVERYBODY'S PROFILE!!!) I know that because it tells you how many times they check you out. I wonder, what is going through their minds? I'll just check her out 15 times and never say a peep. I have rules about online dating, here are the rules:

1. I never talk to anyone out of state. Did that once, too hard.

2. I never initiate conversation. EVER. I don't search guys out, I see who checks me out and if they have looked two or three times and they "SEEM" normal. (Seem being the key word here because sometimes you meet a guy in real life and you are like...WHOA NELLY.) If they seem normal I will drop a note like. Hey. How's your week? ----No commitment. Not too wordy. Not complimentary. Totally on a second grade level, direct and an easy question to answer. 

*****A note about the second grade level comment. My old trainer told me this piece of advice. He said, "Always talk to a man like he is on a second grade level, be short and direct." 

3.If the picture is weird...not gonna talk to you. You might be a great guy but if the only picture you can find of your self is one with a stuffed bobcat in the background...I AM OUT. 

4. Please use punctuation. I once had someone send this LOONG sentence, like 5 lines long. 

5. If you are lucky and I decide to meet you in person, I will generally meet you for a 1 hour date. In and out. We can each make a quick assessment and decide if their is a "FUTURE." Of a second meeting that is. 

6. ALWAYS meet at a public place.

7. NEVER let him pick you up.

8. I never divulge too much information.

9. I never go out with anyone 5 years older or 2 years younger than me.

I had this note on my profile from a guy who SEEMED normal. I wrote a quick response back. This is the response I RECEIVED.

Hi Dior,

What a gorgeous name! My weeks are always fantastic! i think you are absolutely freaking dreamgirl GORGEOUS!! I am worried that we might be looking for different things though or that I might not be Mormon enough for you...................:(

Right now, I would like you to REFERENCE the above PICTURE. 

I also have some new rules: If you use gorgeous twice, I am going to suggest you get a Thesaurus and I will not ever go out with you. Or if you overly use the exclamation point, you are out. OR say freaking dreamgirl together in a compliment. OUT.

Of course I knew what he meant by this comment of: We are looking for different things. But, if you know me I just HAVE to go the extra mile sometimes, so here is what I said:

What does that mean?( Picture me doe eyed)

I just want to see if this guy responds and if he DOES what is he going to say.

This just cracks me up.

You know a lot of people have met their future spouses on these sites. So I guess they can be good. But. I have had some really weird dates.

1. The guy that showed up wearing a horse shirt. FOR REAL. NOT TO BE FUNNY.

2. The guy who wore a bracelet commemorating a fallen soldier in the Black Hawk Down incident. That HE DIDN'T KNOW.

3. The guy that nearly proposed.

4. The guy that ran 2.35 miles EVERY DAY. So spontaneous, I yawned through that whole date AND I couldn't help it. I feel bad till this day. 

5. The guy that brought me a conference talk. 

6. The guy that stuck his tongue down my throat at the car. Yeah. Freaked me out. 

7. The guy that grabbed my waist and rubbed his hands all around it in 2 split seconds. He was also missing two teeth and I NEVER noticed until I went back and realized in ALL of his pictures his smile was closed mouthed. He was also a MLB player at some point in his life and it was like he felt entitled to grab me. Gross. 

8. The guy that brought his KIDS with him on the date. WEIRD. 

9. The guy who OBVIOUSLY had a picture that was outdated, LIKE TEN YEARS.

10. The GUY who said he liked to be active...was obviously not.

11. The guy who said he was 5'11. UMMMM, he was shorter than me and I am 5'8.

12. ANNNNDDDD.......Let's not forget THE CORN DOG DATE.

I have met some real sweethearts too, and the sweethearts are still good friends. All I can say is, BEWARE, and BE PICKY. 

XOXO-The Sunny D