Mormon, Marriage, Divorce, Mid-Single, Motherhood.....She Has Some Cracks

Cracks. 

There are so many things to celebrate. 

For instance, I only have 21 kids in my class this year and that makes me want to skip and sing at the same time. Maybe I can really make an impact. Plus, I already love them all. They are so cute. 

And. I took tomorrow morning off so I could take my kids to school. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. It is like sunshine is streaming out of my heart. They are starting really late due to new construction. I struggle with feeling like an inadequate Mom sometimes because I have to work full time. I am tired a lot when I get home or after I have run them around from thing to thing and fretting over what to make for dinner. But tomorrow morning I get to wake up and I am going to make pancakes with cinnamon peaches to top them with and be a REAL MOM. I painted Ellie's nails tonight. We got their lunches ready, all of the papers read and signed, all of the supplies purchased. Maybe taking them to school on their first day means more to me than it does to them. I don't know. All of a sudden I look at Aydan and he is so big, Ellie too. I love them so much and I am happy I can do this tomorrow. 

I have such good friends. I can rely on and laugh with. If you could only see our text threads I know you would laugh too. The weird pictures we see on Tinder that we send each other. We crack up. How the LDS mid singles scene is such a strange place to be. Spanish Sassafras brought her friend Manuel with her to the fireside last week. He is from Spain. He could not BELIEVE how weird it was. 

Here's a tinder picture for you. "I'm Keith, wet with a shirt on coming out of the water." HUH? I have a little piece of advice for all the ladies out there. NEVER. NEVER. DATE a man with a necklace. It is a personal rule that serves me well. 

There are cracks too though. 

Like I have a head cold that is so bad I feel like a bus has hit me in the head. 

And my birthday is coming up. This brings all sorts of emotions most of them the crying sort. Well and the really excited about all my free birthday meals sort too. So I am sort of pretending like it's not even happening. It is just a regular day, because then I won't be so disappointed at the reality of my life. Don't get me wrong. It's a good life........its just getting older alone is really lame. Which brings me to...

I was talking to my Dad about a woman he knew who had been married several times and just has had a really hard time. I have no desire to do that. When I do get married again I want that to be it. One more time. I talked to my Dad about this...... there are hard things about not being married. There are financial hardships and then there is the fact that you can't have sex. Which is REALLY, REALLY hard. Especially when you know what it is like to be in a marriage and have that sacred connection. A lot of women hope that there will be someone to swoop in and take care of their life for them. To be a prince charming.

 I told my Dad, "I am my own Prince Charming." 

I do not want or need a man to save me from my life. He said, "You're right." You have to be OK with you before you can move on with someone else. You can't expect someone else to do that for you. It would never work. I am looking for a man who respects me, loves me, treats me like his best friend even when he is annoyed with me. I am looking for someone who will work with me elbows deep in life together. Figuring it out, where its safe to not be perfect and make mistakes but support and cheer each other on. Fiercely guarding our family together and who understands that sometimes I need a little space. Sometimes I am really misunderstood when I say that but here's the thing. He will GET IT.  Where is THAT guy? Where are THOSE guys? If you know where they're hiding I have about ten girlfriends who are amazing, beautiful, have testimonies, are put together, smart and FUN. I have faith in marriage. I do. I hope it will happen again for me because I like marriage. I love being a wife and that role in a family unit. It's just that it's been almost five years of me being alone and sometimes that hope and faith I have wavers a little. Sometimes I just feel tired about it. Sometimes I just wish I had that support. Those are the cracks. 

XOXO- The Sunny D