A Cracked Jar of Hope

You know those old toiletries and make up that you don't like? How they sit quietly and alone in your medicine cabinet or make-up drawer? You know the ones, they aren't bad but they aren't good either so instead of throwing them out like Marie Kondo would suggest you just throw them into a drawer "just in case" you run out of something or you put them in your travel bag?

That's exactly how I found myself using Philosophies daily moisturizer called Hope in a jar. I had run out of my favorite morning moisturizer which is light and has a delicious orange smell. Citrus. My favorite. Of course it is my favorite I was raised on the heels of citrus trees in Mesa Arizona, who doesn't love that smell? And I don't want to say that I don't love Philosophies products. I use many of them! I have this weird thing about smells and if I don't like the smell...well it ends up lonely in the back of the dark make-up drawer.

Until, I run out of something and dig around for a suitable temporary replacement. Except, this time it wasn't a replacement. It was in lieu of buying what I really liked because I was dead broke.

That is also how I ended up using three year old, kind of dried out, chalky, deodorant.

And every bottle of shampoo and conditioner in the house. Even the coconut oil one that is too heavy for my hair and makes it look greasy and smell weird on day two....smells...now you know how I am about smells.

And throwing together meals with the food that I had in the pantry.

And hoping among hope that the gas in my car lasted JUST a little bit longer.

And cleaning out the freezer of ALL the meat and frozen veggies. Well...except for the Mahi-Mahi the kids hate the Mahi-Mahi.

It was also here that my favorite bottle of perfume, that I had saved for, used coupons for, a gift card I had received from a student for, fell from its spot on the shelf hitting the tile and shattered into a million glass shards. A pool of glassy, Chanel Chance perfume all over the floor in front of me. I cried. I cried because it wasn't something I could easily replace and I love smelling good...and how was I going to cover up that crappy old deodorant? I looked sadly at the OTHER bottle of perfume which I didn't not like but it was another one of those.....back of the cupboard toiletries.

And you know it's OK because in reality you are STILL using really nice moisturizer and your face still looks pretty and your armpits smell OK at least until about 2p.m. Plus, there is food on the table and not to brag or anything but you are kind of a culinary genius with canned green beans, rice, and other stuff you find randomly in the cupboards. Seriously, if Macgyver could cook his name would be Sunny D. You make do because you know it is temporary.

This is also why I spent my whole October break at home watching endless episodes of "Fixer Upper" and doing a puzzle on my coffee table but things hadn't reached the BLEAK level. It was just kind of at I am going to pull back a bit just in case level.

You see since about February it seems that every month I have been hit with a whammy financially. It's life and life happens. I had some savings and managed the first few well. I even managed the next set pretty well. However, when they JUST DIDN'T stop coming in and the week leading up to Halloween I received a bill over $1600 and one for $500, and one for $400, and then another one for $280, plus braces my kids needed. In addition to my normal living expenses....... something inside my head and my heart or both or somewhere in between just sort of broke.

I cancelled all the extras the gym membership, the massage membership, everything,

And then on the Monday we returned from October Break my boss asked me if I would do my observation (which basically decides my summer bonus) the following Monday. I said, yes. I should not have said yes because this is hours of work. HOURS. It was too late, I had committed and I am not one to back out on a commitment. So there was that. But, it was OK because my children were due to go to their Dad's for the weekend and I could go into work Saturday morning and get the lesson planned and report written. No problem. I had this.

Until, Friday morning my kids Dad called to let me know he wouldn't be coming home from Texas until Wednesday because his work was a mess. Ok, I said, No Problem. He relayed his problems at work and I swallowed my own as I hung up the phone.

Like I said, something in me broke.

Cracked.

I could not possibly hold it together and I became infinitely tired even more tired than regular single mom tired. Listless. My head ached, I felt like I had ten thousand pounds of bricks on my chest, everything ached. Everything.

I got the report written and I taught the lesson, I used the crappy deodorant. I hung on at work and until my children had gone to their Dad's but when they left.....it was ugly. I cried a lot. I couldn't respond to friends. (I am sorry) I was exhausted.

I prayed a lot. I listened to conference talks like three or four daily. I KNEW that my Grandma and Grandpa were near, it was as if I could feel the support of their hands on my shoulders. On the darkest days, I even came home for several days in a row to my house smelling like her. It was unreal. I had been given her china cabinet and at first the smell of her house took over my house but it had since faded away. But, the smell was back and I knew she was close. Friends showed up, they called, they brought me groceries and bought me really good deodorant. Halloween night when I received literally a PILE of bills and my children were gone and I missed them, I was SO sad. A friend picked me up, like literally scraped me off my couch to the movies so I could escape. I don't think I can adequately express my gratitude for all of these things. There were SO many different things. I mean I had tickets with a friend to a concert with the headline, LOVE YOUR LIFE TOUR. That SHE gave me and as I was worrying about leaving my children...LITERALLY in the moment I received a text from a friend offering me two extra tickets and would I like them??? So I took my kids and cried,,,CRIED through the whole concert. Man I was a mess.

It was around this time that I was using my nearly empty moisturizer called Hope in a jar and I realized it was cracked. CRACKED. I thought to myself this is a metaphor for my life. I am a cracked jar of hope. I kind of chuckled to myself and reached for my OTHER bottle of perfume which happened to also be by Philosophy (SEE I USE THEIR PRODUCTS) called Grace.

Grace.

It was here I realized that maybe my favorite bottle of perfume broke so I could literally spray God's grace on my neck EVERY DAY. Grace. Because right now I needed it more than ever.

I began to heal up inside am still healing up inside after all it hasn't been that long and I still have a mountain of bills. BUT.........

The other day I was out on a walk because I have a bum knee and would SO love to run but it hurts. So I do what I can, I walk. On this walk I looked down and on the sidewalk was something that looked like a cracked egg. I stopped and realized there were more of them and I was sad that baby birds had died. On closer inspection I realized that they were actually seeds. SEEDS. That were in cracked seed pods. These seeds would be stuck if the pods had not cracked they could not grow and the seeds came from a beautiful tree. They needed room to grow, they needed more capacity. Just like me. I realized that I needed more capacity to hold more, to do more, to be more. There was a lesson in the break. Sometimes we have to break to grow. One thing is I am so grateful for so many things and I am grateful that I know that Heavenly Father is MOST certainly aware of me because when I cried out in silent need, he sent the people I needed. I just don't understand how someone could say there is no God. He doesn't care about me. For me it is exactly the opposite for I know there are no coincidences.

I am reminded of this talk by Jeffery R. Holland. I post it here because I have certainly been a receiver of these blessings lately. The Ministry of Angels by Jeffery R. Holland

A cracked jar of hope is still hope....XOXO The Sunny D