Eyebrow Raisers

Maybe I should have put this photo through a filter or something first. I could have wiped out the imperfections but the truth is this is my face. So I have had a few experiences that make me laugh and make me shake my head in wonderment at the same time. Here they are. 

My children and I are listening to the book To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I have not read/listened to this tale since I was a Freshman in Jr. High. My son came home..let me show you my cute son...watch out ladies. 

He came home and told us they were reading this book. It was on my list of books I wanted to read again and so I downloaded it to listen to in the car. We are all completely enthralled. I will say the lessons that escaped me at 14 do not escape me now. The quote about walking around in someone else's skin has always resonated with me. However, there is a lesser known quote that pricked my heart because I feel like it sums up all the things.

" I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 

Chills. This completely sums up dating and being single in your 40's. I am not kidding. I know, I know there is like hope and faith and works. But the bottom line is having the courage to keep showing up even though you know you're probably licked. For me, this is real courage. It is getting up very early to take my kids to school. It is working my fingers to the bone at school everyday. It is coming home to make dinner, try to exercise, try to have friends, try to be an amazing mother, working a second part time job, holding a calling that is difficult and a stake calling, it is trying to attend the temple. I feel like I've been beat, licked, ALL of the time. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. It is the second half of this statement...sometimes you do that keeps me in the arena as Roosevelt says....The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes up short again and again; who spends himself in a worthy cause who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.

You rarely win, but sometimes you do. 

It is about the courage. The courage to show up even when you don't think you can. P.S. If you are a Brene Brown fan watch her Netflix special. There is some language but it is basically all of her books in one hour. 

I have decided to be brave this year. Even though I am tired. Last night, I went to a Mid-Singles Luau. I was entering the arena doing something that is not easy for me to do. Not with the hope of meeting anyone, more with the anticipation of a free dinner catered by Moki's and half naked Polynesian fire dancers and meeting some friends. Here is how it went...

I walked in with my friends, we met some nice people and said hello made our introductions with the customary hand shake. I put on a name tag and then we were shuttled to the food. We found a seat..there was only a row of seats left to sit and no tables. Front row to the fire-show which we all agreed was GREAT. 

I sat down gingerly on the metal church chair since my tailbone is not happy with me and the next thing I know this guy brings a chair over and sits right next to me and then stares but doesn't say anything. In my head I'm thinking....is he checking out this doosie of a period zit I tried so hard to cover up or what? I sort of angle my body to the right boxing him out with my back. Which is a rude move, but it's rude to stare at other people or their zits. Then another friend shows up and sits next to us and we are happily talking, laughing, enjoying the dinner and then the show. When the show is over they very nicely tell us it's time to go home so no flirting..like this is a neighborhood all you old, weird, single people get out of here. So we oblige but first we must say good-bye to our friends. As, I am talking to my friend I notice a few feet away is a man standing looking right at me and wiggling his eyebrows and also standing holding a plate and eating. I assume he has a facial tick and just go on flitting about to my other friends when I notice as I have moved through the crowd he is there AGAIN a few feet a way, I look up and he raises his eyebrows at me. It is now that I lean to my friend and say we need to get out of here stat. We continue to move through the crowd when I am stopped and talking to a friend when eyebrow guy is again before me. 

You rarely win, but sometimes you do runs through my head and I realize that this exact moment is the first half of that quote. So I walk back to my car and head home to tell you about my exciting life where I am so bothered that I am eating Neapolitan Jo-Jo's and I realize this is the reason I am fat. If I quit going to these things I won't have to come home and emotionally shove my fear down with food.