Laying Down the Swords in 2018

Snowboarding...still falling off the ski lift every. single. time. but making it alllllll the way down the hill. 

My story to tell.......laying down the swords. 

Sword One. 

For the first time this Christmas Eve I went out with my ex-husband, his wife, my children and their children to share a Christmas Eve dinner. It has taken me a very long time to get to the point where I could easily do this. However, there was a turning point in my progress this year as a human. I have heard many opinions about this dinner. People think it is weird and some people think it is amazing. The truth is I think we both have just moved on, we are over it. We are too tired for the drama and just want to get on with living our best lives. And don't you think your best life...is having Christmas Eve dinner with your children? I do. And, it was lovely and we all enjoyed each others company and we laughed and talked and ate delicious food together. I have felt the peace of true forgiveness on all sides of the coin and it is sweet. 

Sword Two.

At some point this year I decided that I was pretty and lovable just the way I was. I was tired of fighting the weight battle and youth battle and best wardrobe and shoes battle. I put down the sword and I believed that me as I am is enough. You know what, the minute that I FULLY grasped this truth opportunities opened themselves up to me. Did I become a size 4? Nope. Not even close but I feel good in my body and healthy and strong. Gosh that is the best thing ever to quit beating yourself up about who you are and accepting yourself for who you are and knowing that you are doing your best. 

Sword Three.

I have carried being single and divorced like a scarlet letter on my shoulder for years and years. I have felt the unworthiness of not having the perfect life I had pictured for myself. I have worn a big fat F- in marriage on my forehead and I have been reminded on several occasions of my failure to move forward and progress into another marriage. But let me tell you a secret about me....I needed time. I needed to have opportunities to learn and grow and pick myself up by the bootstraps and to LIVE. I have needed to learn how to create healthy relationships with men and what those look like and feel like. I have learned what I like in dating and for the record I like to feel spoiled. (WHO DOESN'T) I like when an effort is made and I like GOOD conversation. I needed opportunities to open up and practice sharing my feelings and giving my opinions and it being safe! Do you know that sometimes when I am completely honest in the way I feel I am afraid of the backlash I will receive for having feelings? I have been pleasantly surprised that when I share how I feel the ideas are taken into consideration, calmly. SHOCKER to me. I needed to see that and experience that. I needed to learn to trust my gut, because my gut never lies. Ever. I ran into an old friend at a singles activity a few months ago. We were catching up and chatting about dating. I asked this friend how long she had been divorced and she said about two years. She then asked me how long I had been divorced and I said, eight years. I could feel the pity coming from her and she said, "Oh. I don't want that to be me." I wanted to say...I didn't want this to be me either but I sat in a similar conversation a few years into my divorce with a friend who had been divorced for ten years and I had the same sentiment. I didn't want it to be me but here I am. I will have been single for nine years in a few short days. Another, more recent experience I was helping at a singles fireside. I was buttering bread for the panini makers. I was so happily contributing and having fun doing it with friends dotted here and there around me. An old friend walked up and said, "So, you are the last standing gaggle member. All the other gaggles got married." I mean he should have just yelled out across the cultural hall.....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? BIGGEST LOSER EVER RIGHT HERE insert giant neon green arrow appearing right over my head pointing at me buzzing like neon signs do. 

*Gaggle-my group of friends in the singles scene we were always together and therefore named the gaggle. AKA a group of geese. 

I looked at him and thought DUDE, you are here too. I said well what about you? You are a handsome guy and guys have all the power. He did not like that and made some super rude comment that masked his insecurity. My friend overheard his last comment and said...What is wrong with that guy??? 

Who knows. Maybe he is wearing the scarlet letter on his shoulder too. And I then realized that that whole conversation really had nothing to do with me. At all. 

But here's the thing. As I have come into knowing myself more fully than ever before this year I have learned that being single has been a blessing. I have met so many friends. SO MANY. I would have never met all of the wonderful people I know if I had been married! I have traveled! Oh have I traveled and loved every second of it. I have learned how to support myself and live on my own. I am at peace with myself. You know what? It is an amazing place to be my confidence is back and I feel fully like myself again. Not like weird over the top confidence but just the quiet assurance that comes from knowing oneself.  I have realized that being single defines me just as much as my dwarf baby toe does. Not much. It isn't a determining factor to my worthiness for happiness and love. And do you know what? I have had the power all along...it just took me a few years to fully realize it. 

So, what next? XOXO- The Sunny D