Trailblaizin'

I feel as if I have yet again landed in uncharted territory as the map of my life unfolds. There have been a lot of new developments as of late. The children have had a lot of changes to deal with this last year, and so have I. The kids Dad remarried a nice young woman with a lovely child. They have a new family dynamic to get used too. I often wonder how they feel about going back and forth between the two houses, it must be difficult for them all the adjusting that they have to do. In fact, I know it is hard for them from talks we have had. I wish I could make things easier.  I have tried very hard to keep things very consistent for them here in our home. I want them to feel comforted with the fact that they will always know what to expect and that generally the routine is the same. I think this is very important for a child. However, I also want them to learn that sometimes life demands flexibility and that together we will work hard to make the necessary changes as painless as possible.

This summer was one of the hardest I have encountered. There were many factors, but these events pushed me forward to grow a little more. I learned a lot of lessons, two major theme's played out. They were: You can't control what other people do to you, you can only control your attitude, and how you choose to move forward. The other prominent theme was to receive with grace and gratitude. I see clearly the Lord's hand in my life, and I am grateful for his lessons. I had a lot of forward movement to do.

 One of the major shifts I needed to make was to forgive and let go of past hurts. I have learned how to apply the atonement a little bit better. I am a very visual person, and in some of the counseling I did at the beginning of my divorce the therapist used mental imaging. She would give cues and I would talk through what I was feeling. I remember I was describing to her what my heart looked like. I saw it inside my body, but it was clasped tightly and bolted with iron clad armour and it had a huge padlock on the front as to not let anyone in for fear of being hurt again. It was after this session and some introspection that I realized yes, I was protecting my heart from being hurt but I was also protecting it so well that NOTHING good or bad could get in or out. I began the personal work it takes to free my heart from this type of bondage. As I have grown healthier and stronger, the armour around my heart began to break loose, bolt by bolt. One evening as the weather began to cool and it felt as if Fall was finally settling in there was a shift in my attitude towards past events. I knelt in prayer for a long time, for many nights in a row and the following days. I let go.

 The miraculous thing in letting go, truly letting go was that as soon as I did I felt my heart open up. Since then wonderful things have been happening to me, I was offered and accepted a 4th grade teaching position. My life is filled with more joy and happiness and peace. I have come to understand that I do not need the acceptance of anyone else but my Savior's. I now see how important it is for me, no matter how others view me, to see others as the Savior does. I see how important it is to give love. I think this year that is the best gift I have received. Too see with clear eyes and an open heart.