School can be Tricky

Study Session.....

For the last two weeks I have been up to my eyeballs learning Spalding.  The Spalding Method breaks the English language down into four components: Phonics, Spelling, Reading, and Writing. 

In order to be qualified to teach this program an instructor has to attend a rigorous 45 hour training session. This happens every year for three years. This was my first year. To be honest I didn't really know what I was getting into and was lured by the fact that I actually would get PAID to attend this training. What teacher doesn't need extra pay in the summer? I do, remember a month or so ago when my dryer broke...

Day after day I sat in class absorbing so much information that my brain literally hurt. I was exhausted when I arrived home. Every night I had about two hours of homework to complete in order to pass a daily quiz administered the next day and children who needed me when I arrived home. 

Anyway sometimes I think the "lessons" learned are not always so much about the material. 

And so the tables were turned on the teacher.........I became the student.....

Let me tell you something about me as a student............ I sucked. 

I was a terrible student in school. I struggled daily to learn what was being taught because the truth is I didn't really care that much, except when we learned about Dinosaurs. 

• First Grade- My teacher hated me. She made us call the bathroom the lavatory and I was always worried I was going to pee my pants in front of the class because I couldn't remember the word LAVATORY. I sat in "wonderland" for most of the year. Wonderland was basically the linoleum section of the classroom where the naughty kids sat. There was also a boy who sat in wonderland. He was black and she put a refrigerator box around him so she couldn't see him. I was never really sure why I sat in wonderland. It made me feel dumb, insecure, and different. I was six years old. 
• I loved second grade. We made sand pictures like the Navajo Indians and made coil pots and painted them. We sang songs about America and learned about dinosaurs. My teacher was Mrs. Cameron. She was nice. I felt like a normal seven year old.
• Third Grade-I remember Mrs. Ortega teaching us about math at the chalk board. I also remember thinking....maybe I should pay attention but reading all of the animal reports on the bulletin board next to me. They were WAY more interesting than math! I remember having to ask neighbors about directions that had been given because I wasn't listening. I also remember homework being tedious and my parents spending hours trying to help me. I just could NOT 
• focus in Math. It was like this big black cloud of information I couldn't understand. 

So it went, fourth grade Ms. Strang said I was careless. Which I was..I didn't care about the dumb meal worms that were wiggling and hatching...... gross. Or math facts, boring. Or carving the state of Arizona out of a bar of Ivory soap. My parents hired tutors to help me they really tried everything they could to help me be a good student. The best thing is they never gave up on me. They always had high expectations of me and they believed that I could really be something.

Math continued to get more and more difficult I had a lot of anxiety when I would take tests. It was almost like a panic. I would study for hours and then when the test sat in front of me I could not pull the information out.  My Mom became my number one champion one year when after a difficult semester in Math I received a D. The report cards were carbon copies back then and she erased part of it to look like a C. I barely passed Math by the skin of my teeth and graduated high school with a 3.2 GPA. Not genius but not dumb either. Especially considering I was in Cross Country and ran in the state meet. I was in two Orchestra's including the Chamber Orchestra which was very hard to get into. I auditioned and made the cut for the All-State Orchestra which is equivalent to making state in a sport. 

In college I finally began to excel academically. I even conquered Math. The sad truth is I took 092 three times before I finally passed it. The third time through 092 the teacher was explaining something on the board and he asked if anyone knew what he was doing. I raised my hand and explained the whole equation. He looked at me with his chin to his chest and said, "How do you know that and why are you in this class?" I said matter of factly, "I have math anxiety this is my third time through." He then went on to explain to the class what that was and began to talk about Math equations as stories. The apple walks to the bananas house and gets four carrots and they then divide the fruit. AHA. I aced 092, and took every subsequent math class from him that I needed for my Education degree. He was an amazing teacher. Anyway this story ends happily because I graduated with honors and was repeatedly on the Dean's List at ASU. 

Because I am an educator I now know that I probably have a classic case of ADD, and let me tell you it reared its ugly head in my two week Spalding course. 

I bombed the first quiz we took. I'm not sure what I was thinking but it was not multiple choice as I thought. It was a fill in the blank, write complete sentences type of quiz. I hadn't studied enough and I knew it. I found it hard to sit for hours at a time. My mind would wander and I was super fidgety. I had to stand up and take my books to the back of the room because I just could not focus! I felt like I was back in first grade. The information presented was new and I didn't understand it. Day three we had our second test. It was on silent final e's. The problem with me is I am a perfectionist. I expect myself to do well but then anxiety and doubt set in and I bomb. We had a review game right before the silent final e test which I got each and every question correct. I had studied and I was ready. We sat down the tests were passed out and I looked at the test and it was as if it was written in Mandarin. People had finished and were talking, I couldn't focus.  I couldn't separate the rules I needed to apply to the words. It felt as if all five of the silent final e's marched out of my head. I panicked. The instructors started picking up the tests and I hadn't even finished one question. NOT ONE. I had put so much pressure on myself because I knew I had stunk at the first test and now I was going to bomb this test and then would I even pass this course? Am I stupid? Thoughts raced and raced through my head. The instructor was standing in front of me to collect the test and I began to cry. I was so embarrassed. A 37 year old woman reduced to a 6 year old girl began to cry as I whispered, "Please, I need more time. I am having test anxiety and I can't focus." My instructor replied, "Why yes, of course." 

I sat in my seat dejected as tears rolled down my cheeks that I tried to hide from my table mates, classmates and teachers. What had just happened? I composed myself and class ended a few hours later. I was given my test and I finished it in two minutes. The pressure cooker valve had let out some steam. 

I aced every test, every assignment, every lesson plan, and presentation after that. The information unraveled and began to make sense each day and night as I poured over my books. The other teachers at my table became my friends and when I nervously stood up to give my lesson plan they cheered for me. They mouthed, RELAX when they could see I was nervous. I prayed for help before each and every test and help came. I received my final grade yesterday. 

I think this was a reminder for me. It was a glimpse into what my students might feel and how I can help them. I know how to help them because I have been there myself. I became the student. 

I learned that Just because certain things don't come easy DOES NOT MEAN you are not TALENTED. 

I am a talented teacher because school did not come easy. 

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. -Soren Kierkegaard

XOXO- The Sunny D