Chasing Rainbows

This picture has nothing to do with this post except isn't my niece perfect in every way? Sigh. 

I struggle with anxiety. I have my whole life when I was young I didn't have a name for it or understand it. A block wall would just inhibit my ability to think or work through problems. Anxiety reared its ugly head any time I was timed in Math or tested in Math.

 Fast Forward. 

When I was 21 I was called to be the Primary Music Leader. If you know me you know I love to sing. I sing all the time. I played the violin growing up and was pretty proficient at it. I was in the All-State Orchestra and the Chamber and Symphony Orchestra'a at Mesa High. However, I lacked confidence in my ability to lead others in music. Plus, I was newly married and at the time and we were going to be moving out of the ward in a few months. When I was called, I said, Are you sure?!? They were sure. There was this mounting pressure, fake pressure, that I put on myself. Plus, I hadn't been in Primary..since Primary so I couldn't remember the songs. Oh man did I practice. I can remember sitting on the floor of my little apartment listening to the cd's and looking at how to lead in the back of the singing book. I practiced leading the songs every day so I could feel prepared. I practiced and practiced and fretted over the music. I wanted to make music time fun but I didn't actually know how to lead music and I didn't know what I was doing. My anxiety reared its ugly head and I struggled through primary music each week, but I showed up and I was doing my best. It was one Sunday that all of my fears and anxieties were confirmed. I sucked. I knew it, the kids knew it, the pianist knew it. Everyone knew it. One Sunday the whole primary presidency was going to be out of town so they had the old primary presidency sit in. There was a new song to practice and I didn't know it so I was holding the song book in one hand and leading in the high low way with my other hand. As I was doing this, the old Primary President walked up to me mid-song and took the book out of my hand and began to lead the song, with me standing there, next to her, in shock. My husband at the time was a Primary teacher and the look we exchanged it etched on my heart. I turned in shock and sat down on the chair next to the piano. It was the last song of the day, and I left the primary room as fast as I could after the closing prayer choking back the sobs of hot embarrassment and my fears and anxieties confirmed. I left that ward that Sunday and never went back. I could not face the humiliation. In fact, in writing about it the feelings are still there, painful and tender. 

Fast Forward. 

I have been called to be the Primary Music leader in my ward. It doesn't seem like a big stretch for me, right? After all, I teach children. Perfect fit. I have been teaching for years. I have taught everything I could in the church. I have been in Nursery, and Primary, Scouts, I have taught Gospel Principals, Gospel Doctrine, I have taught in Young Women's, I have taught in Relief Society in fact there isn't anything I haven't taught if I could. I have been in Presidency's and served in various callings and capacities without fear. 

But, this calling.

 This calling forces me to swallow my anxieties and fears and work through them. My fear of being embarrassed in public from the previous experience in this calling is ever present sitting on my heart. The last month or so has stretched me and also given me bouts of stress diarrhea. On Mother's Day and today on Father's Day the children are to sing a song in front for the whole ward and I am to lead them. Me. The girl who had the song book taken out of her hands when she was leading, mid-lead! This is what it feels like, I get up and walk to the front of the chapel. There is buzzing in my ears and I feel an intense urge to either throw up or run out the door. The kids sing, I don't hear anything they sing because I am literally paralyzed inside myself, the song ends and I sit down. Luckily, this has happened without a hitch. And let me just add that the only reason I said yes to this in the first place is my little sister Morgan plays the piano. I would have an ally and she could help me with the music stuff.

Let's talk about yesterday. 

The Primary President sent me a text asking me if I could lead the music for Stake Baptisms Saturday. I didn't answer. I was hoping that maybe she would forget but the truth is my anxiety about leading the music made me want to throw up. Literally. She sent a reminder text and I responded that I would help. I got up early on Saturday to get dressed and ready. I walked outside to rain. Glorious, Beautiful rain. 

I stopped at the gas station on the way for some liquid confidence i.e. Diet Coke. As I was filling my cup a guy behind me dropped a GALLON of water that splashed up the back of my dress. With an exclamation of, "OH SH** and a luke warm SORRY he sauntered off. I stood there in my dress looking like I peed myself heading to stand in front of a few hundred people. I wanted to trip him with a luke warm I'm sorry. But, I didn't. You know manners and being an adult get in the way sometimes. I headed to the church soaking wet. When I got there the heavy cement bricks of anxiety began to stack themselves around me. I was fidgety, I sat and stood up, I texted the Primary President because all of a sudden I thought maybe I was supposed to pick the music for this..Was I? What are the songs? All of these worries swam around in my head and I just kept telling myself, pretend they are all second graders, they are just second graders. The songs had been picked already and were printed in the program. I got up and led the opening song and my heart and mind were cleared and peaceful. I was doing this and no one was taking the song book out of my hands. Even if it looked like I peed my pants. Then the children who were being baptized got up and they were so sweet and tender. I led them and the congregation of the Baptism Song that says: I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain, and ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again, I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain, I want to be the best I can and live with God again. 

The symbolism of the rainy day, rain we haven't seen in Arizona in months and months was not lost on me. And I, I was trying to be the best I can. 

And so I chase the rainbows even when there is rain and I am learning. 

There has been a little rain figuratively too. There was this hope in the recesses of my heart that turned to disappointment. You know there are things that you wish for but they are just that, a wish. What I have found is if the wish or hope is directly something you can do or change it will, if you want it badly enough and are willing to sacrifice for it. However, if the hope or wish has to do with someone else there is little you can do to make it so. Hopes are dashed and it feels a bit rainy but I am chasing the rainbows. So, I do what I can that bring the rainbows into my life. I spend time with friends, go run, cook good food, deep clean, spend time with my kids and family. In this way the days pass happily because that is what I CAN do. 

Find the rainbows...XOXO The Sunny D.