Envy.

so.
It's almost 11 pm and I am hungry.
I'm noshing on a Chobani, because yogurt is a really good thing to eat it is a slloooow burning carb/protein..especially the Greek yogurt kind. It is delicious. yum. I just had a bite.

I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head. yup. lots.

Today at church we talked about jumping off of so called "cliffs" or leaps of faith. We talked about our fears, what holds us back. It was good and gave me a lot to ponder. Maybe that is why I am so hungry? Too much thinking.

I have fears. We all do. The one thing I have found out that as I move forward with even just a WHISP of faith everything works out. I was telling a friend the other day, she was hanging some fears out to dry as we were talking. She talked and I told her, "You know, Heavenly Father wants you to have ALL the things you want out of life not just a little here and there." I know this is true. So I have all of these what ifs that roll around like marbles in MY brain. Like, what if I never get married again? What if, What if, What if.............then I have to remember who puts those doubts there and I have to move forward with faith.

Can you have courage if there is no fear?

So moving forward I am.

A note about comparing to others, some of my what ifs are tied up in the way I see other people and how I view myself. Self acceptance has been a huge goal that I am personally working on. In really getting acquainted with who I AM authentically and being true to my TRUE self I have learned that I am A-OK. I was recently confronted with a view of my past, except with the maturity and grace of having lived it, worked through it and changed. At first I compared myself, I felt like I was less than. Less than, so and so not as pretty, young, thin.

Then I thought, so what? I am me. I like me. I am tall, and I have freckles on my nose, I have grey eyes like my Grandma, and a witty personality like my Mom. I am smart and funny. I am a good mom. I love to exercise. I am in pretty darn good shape. I know how to LIVE the happy life. The GOOD life.

Then, I compared again and I was a little envious because so and so was getting a lot of new shiny things and going to exotic places. Places I wish I could go to. Have I told you how much I love to travel. SO the exotic trip really got me a teeny tiny bit jealous.

Then I thought, SO WHAT? I have learned. I used to have those things. I had anything I wanted. I was miserable. Lonely. I had the perfect house, the perfect car, kids, I sewed my own perfect curtains, I had a car that actually had "the new car" smell not the one you buy in one of those flip top car smelly cans and hide under the drivers seat. I had the perfect outfits, I had it all. AND YET..... I so DIDN'T.

I did not live the law of sacrifice. There is something beautiful in struggle. There is something so delicious in saving up for something and working so hard to save the pennies it takes to do the things you want to do, and saying NO to things that are not important. It feels good to enjoy simplicity and be happy and let people see that part of you, not the stuff you have. To like you, for you.

So. I stopped the comparison game and I thanked my luckiest stars in heaven that with me what you see is what you get. I am me. I have nothing I have to prove to you, only myself. When I go to bed at night I can sleep, because I am not rich and I don't have a lot of stuff to pay for or worry about. What I do have is a good idea of WHO I AM, what is important and what living the good life really means. The first thing is to move forward with faith, the second is to be kind to others, the third is to put envy aside and just be so thankful for all of the wonderful things you do have. SO here goes: Ten good things

1. A glorious walk with my two darling friends this morning. The crisp air and sunshine on my shoulders and conversation with trusted confidantes.
2. My kids talk about the one year I made green pancakes for breakfast for St. Pats day. In fact they ask for green pancakes all year long! So, green pancakes it was today.
3. Church, I might be weird but I love going to church. It makes me feel happy inside.
4. A good conversation with my kids, telling them I love them and talking about what they learned about Christ at church as we sat around the dinner table and ate a yum dinner.
5. Setting a new goal for the week, Our "Commandment Goal" this week is (are you ready for it) Honor thy Mother...more on this later, maybe tomorrow I'll write it up.
6. A lovely, perfect, 1 hour naparoo.
7. A birthday party at Grandma's for Aydan with our family favorite Baskin Robbbins Ice Cream cake.
8. Playing "Loot" with my family. I love Sunday evenings and playing games with the family.
9. It is official after 30 treatments of radiation my Dad is cancer free, and his kidney is working WELL.
10. I am so grateful that cute boy, you know, the really cute ONE. Asked me on a date for FRIDAY!!!!! ( ok he didn't that is just an affirmation but...I am sure he is going too)

Sigh. The good life.

xoxo the sunny d