Divorce: I am The Mom and The Dad

YES.

I received a text message at six this morning from the kids Father asking me to drop the kids off at school since they had running club. Sure, no problem I thought. I ran downstairs in my fluffy pink robe and poured Ellie some cereal. Aydan was eating and I reminded the kids to brush their teeth when they were done. It was at this point I realized that I did't have any of the kids school uniforms here. I ran upstairs to shower, so I could get ready for the day. I hurriedly ran back and forth between the kids rooms to see if we had any of the uniforms I had purchased for them and they were all at their Dad's house. It was now 6:30, and if we didn't get a move on I was going to be late for work. 

It was about here that I called the Faja...I am sure I was just a peach to talk to when I said, I don't have any uniforms. I can't do last minute stuff like this it totally stresses me out. He said ok, some talk about missing uniforms and then him saying; I have to go to work! and me saying, me too! 

I rolled Ellie's hair into two nubby buns, grabbed lunches, threw them in backpacks, made Ellie get in the car without being able to button up her too tight jeans.

OH WAIT...INSERT HERE...Tears from Ellie because she didn't want anyone else but me to take her to school. I NEVER take her to school. (Which is true this year. This is a compromise I made with the children's Dad that the kids go to the school close to him instead of the school I teach at. Which also means, that I drop them off to their step-mom who then takes them to school every morning and picks them up) I have to be at my school by 7:30. Which I have decided is entirely too early for any one person to EVER have to report to work. EVER. The kids school starts a whole hour later.

I was frazzled, dropped the kids off at their Dad's sans uniforms,...since I don't have any and was STILL late for work, and I forgot to eat breakfast in the frantic chaos of plan changing. 

There are a few things I am learning to not like so much as a single parent:

1. Uniforms

2. Book Reports/How about reports in general

3. Last minute schedule changes

4. Being the Mom and the Dad

Oh. Wait. I have always hated last minute schedule changes. 

So the day started out on a lovely note. I felt immense guilt and a twinge of jealousy that I couldn't still be sleeping in and be able to take my kids to school sometimes. Then, I put on my big girl boots and snapped out of it. What am I to do? This is my life now. 

Come what may and Love it. 

Sometimes I just want to strangle that quote. Like, this morning. Because sometimes, I DON'T LOVE IT. Sometimes, I just want to be the one to take my kids to school. Make hot oatmeal and maybe be able to eat some of it.

You know? Deep breath. 

Then I put my big girl boots back on. I settled into work and ended up emotionally eating all of my frustrations at the snack machine. One salty, delicious, Cheeto at a time. Oh and then there was the chocolate cake left over from a meeting yesterday in the fridge that I ate a slice of instead of my salad for lunch and then.............I am not even going to tell you. It was just one of those days. One of those days when the quote from the movie The Holiday comes to mind. "I just want to go on a vacation where I don't have to feel guilt about eating CARBS." Can I add, or all the stuff that comes with being the Mom and the Dad. 

This makes me think a lot about roles. The roles of the Mom and the Dad. It makes me grateful for the few years I COULD take my kids to school. It makes me grateful for the millions of sacrifices I made so I could stay home until Ellie was in school. I appreciate so much more the role of the Father and what he adds to the family. The pressure that is alleviated by providing so that the Mom can nurture. I feel like I am doing a crappy job of providing and a so-so job of nurturing, especially when I tell Ellie to get in the car in too tight jeans and to hurry, hurry, hurry. When every Mother cell in my body wants to just stay in my robe, hold my kids close to me and be able to JUST be their Mom. I also see how much PRESSURE it is to provide all the time. What pressure! I will not ever take that for granted again, because it is so hard to be both. The Mother and The Father. Both roles are so important, and so impossible for ONE person to completely do both. 

And so this is what I need Grace for, to please make up and fill all of those gaps that I miss. I am a Mother. I am not a Father. I am doing my best at being both.

And now pictures from the week.

Ellie with her NOTEBOOK at Target, taking notes on what to ask Santa for Christmas. 

Pie Aydan made at scouts and POSSIBLE food sabatour as mentioned in above emotional eating paragraph. 

Picture from long afternoon run that was needed to release stress and possibly offset earlier consumed carbs. 

Being a Mom. One-on-One time with Aydan, dinner and then Christmas shopping for his sister.