Back to Me

Friends: Adam, Dior, Patrick

Best Quote of the day Randy Curits and Adam Wells, "Ya, Dior just ride to the top of the mountain with us, I am pretty sure there are some blue slopes up there."

...Uh, nope there were no blue trails only black diamonds but guess who tackled it without a whimper (ok maybe a few whimpers) ME! 

Two years and counting. This is about how long I have been divorced. 

I feel like a sculpture, like that blob of clay a sculptor would look at and wonder what it would become. The interesting thing about this is that not only am I the piece of art, I am also part sculptor. It is through my choices that will determine the end result. With that metaphor I will explain.....

When I was first divorced I had so much work to do. I can look back in my mind's eye and see my life. I had goals and dreams that were dashed and I was determined to be back on track with those. I honestly thought I would be remarried soon and so I began to date and go to a few singles activities when I didn't have the kids. 

I had my own ideas of how being a mid-single would be. Now, after actually being a mid-single my ideas have drastically changed. In the beginning I went to single functions thinking I would find a husband, get remarried and be happily on my way to eternal life. I was looking for acceptance from outside sources instead of within myself.

I would often have a bad attitude about the whole singles thing, divorce, etc. What I did not realize is there was some sculpting to be done. I had some real work to do with numero uno. It has been through these two years I have had the opportunity to become whole again. The first step was learning that I was beautiful, that men would really want to date...me. I felt such fear at the beginning, I thought who would want to date me? I am this and this and this and this...a litany of negative attributes would conglomerate in my mind. Then, I began to date and I learned that I was datable. I think a lot of divorcee's feel this way in the beginning. I am so grateful for the gradual steps I have gone through to see myself for who I am, who I ALWAYS have been. Through life circumstances I forgot who I was and that I had worth. It was like a big chunk of clay broke away and a piece of the sculpture was revealed. 

I struggled spiritually, financially, physically, and emotionally. 

I worked at the spiritual, daily doing the things that needed to be done. Even though some days it was just a quick prayer while laying on my bed before I fell into sleep, it was progress. Perfection I have learned is a process and there is a lot to be said for someone who is trying. I learned that MY BEST, IS GOOD ENOUGH. I also learned that my best is not your best and vice versa. I learned to accept myself and my good efforts, another chunk of clay fell away. I had always been such a perfectionist when it came to the gospel. However, with that came a lot of guilt if I couldn't be the; be all, do all Mormon woman. 

I was emotionally broken. I made some dumb emotional decisions. (like getting a dog for instance) Through a lot of work spiritually, and with the guidance of a counselor I took small steps toward becoming whole again. I won't go into details about this as a lot of it is personal. I accepted myself.  I feel like I am stronger, healthier and happier than ever. 

I used to leave singles activities feeling so depressed! I felt like what a crappy hand life has dealt me that I have to be at these stupid activities. I now see that I had a bad attitude! I also learned that the problem wasn't the activity....just like Jack Sparrow says. I have learned that not all singles activities are for EVERYONE. To me the activity makes all the difference. I have learned that if it's something that I like to DO, generally I will then have fun at the activity. The problem in the beginning was this....I didn't even know what I liked to do. I had lost myself, and my likes and dislikes. I have learned that I am a DOER. So the singles activities I most enjoy are when the group is DOING stuff that I like to do. When the activity is fun I always leave with a happy attitude! I feel like my time was well spent. I don't look for a husband, I go to DO something fun. I go to meet new friends, and I figure if there is someone there who is interested in me they will ask me out. There are a lot of "groups." I don't worry so much about the groups, I just look for activities I like and sound fun. I have never been a person who fits in any one group anyway, I have always preferred to just be friends with everybody. 

Snowboarding this weekend for instance, was a BLAST. I was able to visit with friends, to laugh at myself, and to revisit something that I enjoy doing. 

Another chunk of clay etched away. 

There are a lot of other things that have been etched away from this sculpture. I am sure there are a lot more chunks to be taken away too. I am grateful today to look back over the last few years and see something weak and broken become strong and able. In all aspects of my life I feel that I am a better person, a better mother and a better friend. I am living this life fully. How grateful I am to have this time to become a better version of me! There are a lot of negatives to being single, but...there are A LOT of positives too! I have moved forward and done a lot of progression in these last two years that probably never would have happened if I was still married. How lucky is that?

Two years and I am back to me, and man it feels GOOD!