Teaching Makes Me Fat.

Yes I am bragging about my son's grades. YESSSSSS!!!!

A few weeks ago.

Dec. 31, 2012

I can't even fit into those pants. 

I have started drinking diet coke again because I am EXHAUSTED ALL OF THE TIME. 

I have gained 10 pounds since school started this year. 

I want to cry. 

Ten pounds is not a crazy amount, but it is more than I want to add to my waist, that is where all my weight goes anyway. Yup. Right to my waist. 

So every five pounds adds a size, I was a six here. A lovely little six. Where are you six? I have three, wait four pairs of pants in your size that beg me to wear them every time I walk into my closet. 

I have to remind them the holidays are coming and not to get their hopes up...but I will try. Now, here is the thing..I actually exercise. A lot. In fact on Friday, the day after Halloween the whole Fourth grade was NUTS. I mean sugared up NUTS. So. I had this great idea...actually I stole it from another teacher. BUT, I had this great idea to have all the kids run around the grass field at the school after recess. To up the stakes I followed behind them and said, " If I pass ANY of you, you have to run another lap...BECAUSE that would just be sad." I passed some. I was in GOLD flats, dress pants, Down East Basics tee and cardigan..TOTAL TEACHER OUTFIT and I passed KIDS! Who are 10! AND, I started WAY after them. One child was holding her side and said I have a cramp in this whiny voice (she wasn't in my class) I said, "Well, you better hurry up or your going to have to run two laps with a cramp don't be a whiner." I passed her anyway. 

Then I felt kind of bad for saying not to whine.  And then I had that internal argument in my head....What if I hurt her feelings? What if she goes home and tells her parents this mean teacher told her not to be a whiner and made her run laps. What if she says she had heat exhaustion, what if she forgets all about it and I am worrying for nothing, WAIT?!? But she was a total whiner, so why am I worrying about this it was like ten yards of running. Seriously. 

Then. 

I go back to my room, and I have a massive headache from all that worrying. So, I get a diet coke, which makes me crave sugary foods. So of course, I HAVE to have one of those sugar cookies with the one inch thick orange frosting and sprinkles that one of my kids brought in. Then I feel guilt for eating the cookie and diet coke. But, another one of my students brought in this crazy delicious banana bread so I have to sample that and break a chunk off the corner. Then I don't have time to eat lunch so I grab a piece of pizza and shove it down my throat on the way to make copies for that afternoon. Then I get a call at 1pm from my kids school notifying me they have no ride home and they don't know who is picking them up and so I am juggling that just outside my door, while my class works quietly on this BAT lesson we did. Which, I still have to cut the 8X8 black construction paper so we can make origami bats. And, gosh I hope someone picks my kids up at school because their Dad is out of town and I don't really know what else to do at that moment, I am plum out of ideas. He said he would have that all taken care of. The day ends with me having a POUNDING headache. Oh and did I mention that my class had to do a performance that morning during the WHOLE SCHOOL ASSEMBLY? AND. I promised them donuts which I had to run and get on the way to dropping my children off at their Aunt's at seven in the morning? AND for my kids that day was the Halloween celebration at their school so I had to get Ellie's face painted like a cat in addition to doing her hair. 

I get home totally exhausted from teaching school. Which I love, but if I hear one more adult say they could teach.."HOW HARD COULD IT BE" I might strangle them with my lanyard and whistle. Really? How hard could it be? Well for one thing we all know it ISN'T rocket science. However, I would LOVE IT. I mean LOVE IT, if every person that said that to me, or said some snarky teacher comment on FACEBOOK would be next in line to sub for me when I got sick. THEN, let's hear about how easy it is....don't forget to answer the 17 emails from parents about missing homework, out for a dr. appt at 10 am, why is so and so missing their witch poem, I have paperwork for you to fill out would  you mind....and on and on...except you have children who NEED you ALL day and pretty much zero breaks so good luck multi-tasking all of that. PLUS, BY THE WAY message from your boss your test scores are down so.....you better get them up and I want to know how and when you are going to do that. 

All I am saying is, it's stressful. 

When I am stressed.

I don't always plan my meals so well. 

My house isn't as orderly as I would like it to be. 

I forget things sometimes. 

If I can get out the door three times a week for a run I count myself lucky. 

My children's Father travels all the time and so I have them a lot on the days they should be with him, WHICH starts an avalanche of built up work, chores, etc. etc. etc. 

That I am actually thankful for having them because I love them and I want them every minute if I could, it is just that he usually lets me know a day or two ahead of time OH, BY THEY WAY I am going to be out of town.....

Juggle Juggle Juggle Juggle, multi-task, multi-task, multi-task. 

Then I wonder why I went back to working full time? I had this job I loved SO much. I had 12 pre-schoolers who just adored me and I adored them. I was responsible to provide the best school I knew how to and it was pretty great, but I didn't have all this outside pressure from higher ups. They left my house by 11:30, and then I would work out for two hours. I would run to the gym up the street, do my weight routine and come home. I would make healthy lunches for myself and dinners for my kids. I had all the laundry done and ironing finished, clothes were folded and neatly put away. Monday's I cleaned bathrooms, Tuesday's the kitchen, Wednesday's I would vacuum the house, Thursdays get groceries. I mean, I even had time to make yummy protein shakes not the warm ones you mix up really fast. Gross. I had time to go to lunch occasionally with my friends. I could sub at my friends pre-school and we could catch up. Why am I working full time again? I have gained ten pounds. I FEEL SO GROSS. I am stressed out all the time. I have SO MUCH work to do, plus the pressure I put ON MYSELF to be an excellent teacher. 

Did I mention that all of this sugar also breaks my skin out, and dries my skin out? Not just a little but REALLY bad. 

So fat and broken out. A super great combo. Feeling super attractive. 

BUT THEN. 

Today in the car I am driving to get my kids some warmer clothes because they need some, and I have money to do that. I remember the very FIRST thing I did last year when I received my first pay check was buy my kids coats. We had struggled for SO long and I was JUST finally getting everything caught up. I mean my gym membership I had added the month before I got the teaching position felt like a HUGE splurge, one which I felt guilty about but KNEW I needed for EVERYONE'S sanity in this house. I can just remember buying those coats and feeling SO SO SO happy that I could. So, I was grateful that I have this job I love. I am showered DAILY with love letters from my sweet students. I have insurance. I am independent, I can take care of myself. I have the BEST parents, I am not even kidding you. My class is a dream this year. 

I sat down to type all of these feelings that bubble in me and I have to get them out or they eat me up as I try to sleep at night. I plugged in my phone and automatically it opens iphoto. The first page has a picture of me in a pink sports bra and camo shorts. A picture that was taken as a "before" I lost weight. I look at it and I, look at it, and I am so unhappy. I am also about twenty pounds heavier than I am now, maybe more. The year is 2009-10. I think, man that is just sad and why am I complaining again? IF I actually try I can seriously lose this weight in few weeks and that is what I resolve to do. 

Life, IS SO HARD sometimes. The things that are HARD change though. One year it may be one thing and the next year it is something else. One year you have time to read, and exercise and clean your house and the next you can barely stay awake past 10:30 you have worked so incredibly hard. Every year has new lessons, every year hindsight brings me gratitude for all of the hard things, and all of the good things too. Every day I work hard, I do my best, I do not slack off..I do not have time too. I have ten pounds to show for it. 

Busy. The Sunny D. XOXO