The Perfect Body Obesession

A week or so ago out to dinner with baby girl

When I look at my daughter I love everything about her. I love the sturdiness of her little body and the freckles that splash across her nose. I love her hazel eyes and stark blond hair. I love her little rosebud lips that she used to sleep with them pursed. I love that she has opinions and she doesn't care who hears them. I love the staunch loyalty she has for her brother. 

wax lips Halloween kiss

I love to watch her play, and do gymnastics, score a soccer goal, ride her bike and dance with me in the kitchen. I love to see her concentrating so hard on her math homework, it broke my heart the other day when she told me she didn't think she was a good reader. I bookmarked that in my mind and made some phonogram flashcards to help her. I love her art. I love when she paints and is creative. I love how excited she gets to do something fun as a family, and that she has been asking me for months to go ice skating...why haven't I taken her?!??! 

When I see her I think she is just perfect in every way. Even her little buns and chubby thighs that she has ALWAYS had. I love them. LOVE. 

A few weeks ago I had a wake-up call. I have been so obsessed with this ten pounds that I had put on. Which has already left thanks to a stomach virus that took the last three away with it. I was mostly obsessed with it because every time I put on a pair of pants they just felt. ick. A bit too tight and more muffin top than I wanted. I have this habit. I have had it since I was maybe eight. Every morning before I hop in the shower, I step on the scale. Every Morning. 

I used to loathe myself if the numbers didn't match what I thought they should say. I hated my 5 foot 8 body that weighed barely 115 pounds in high school. I would look in the mirror and see places that were just not right, needed more work. I dieted, exercised incessantly. I was active all of the time. I was never content with the way I looked. Ever. I wonder looking back if there has ever been a time I felt content. In college my weight settled around 140-150. I took aerobics, I compared my body to others.  Every day I weighed, the number determined what I should eat that day. I have done a lot of diets. I have counted calories, restricted intake, starved, done Weight Watchers three times,  I have taken diet pills, and done natural cleanses. I have had personal trainers, signed up for races for motivation the list goes on and on and on. My weight has fluctuated from very high to very low over the years. I think now it has settled to where my natural body weight rests. I feel like after years of emotional eating group therapy from 2010-2012 I finally started to GET IT. I finally saw my relationship with food had always been toxic. I formed new healthier habits, I still enjoyed exercise and running as I always had. However, paired with this new insight I lost over 20 pounds where my weight has happily stayed. 

Except for that scale. Everyday, I step on that scale. 

Then, the other morning I was putting on make-up and Aydan was in the kids bathroom taking a shower. We were all trying to get ready and out the door for another day. Ellie, came into my bathroom to get in the shower and as she did, she first.....stepped on the scale. As she has watched me do hundreds of times. It was like time froze for a minute, a long minute as I realized that she watches everything I do. She copies, everything I do. 

 Body Building poses...being silly.

I realized my obligation to her to teach her to love her body. To be happy with its natural shape and size. To be glad we have strong sturdy shoulders. Every time I get a massage the massage therapist I go to says how much muscle I have in my shoulders and back. The other day my Mom and I were watching Ellie do something and my Mom said, "She has your body." You know, SHE DOES and I love everything about it! I guess what I have learned here and been mulling over is that our bodies are amazing. They are simply amazing. I want my children to be happy about their bodies, to take care of them and to love them. I want them to know the difference between a good snack choice and a bad snack choice because of how it makes them FEEL. I want them to realize that when they grab a bag of chips that they are literally still hungry ten minutes later and asking for something else. I want them to notice that when they grab an apple instead they feel full so much longer. I want them to play sports and dance because it FEELS so good to break a sweat and release built up tension in the body. I want all of these things for my children but it has to NUMBER ONE start with me, loving my body too. I am 36 years old, I have been an emotional eater, there have been times when I have not loved and appreciated my body as I should. I have also learned a lot, and now am so happy to have a healthy body! I can continue to teach healthy habits to my children. I can give them opportunities to play sports and try new activities in ways that they can use their bodies and be PROUD of them for WHAT THEY DO, not what they look like, or more pointedly what the world tells them they should look like. It feels good to make healthy choices.