She is Messy but She's Kind..............

My Favorite Boy.

Sarah Barielles has a new album out called, Songs From Waitress. There are so many songs on the album that I can identify with. There is one about dating that sums up exactly how I feel in every way. There is a song about the possibilities of the future. There is a song about that moment you become a mother. It brings tears to my eyes, it is so tender and real. My favorite song on the album is called She Used to be Mine. You can click on the link and give it a listen. Let me know what you think. This song has made me think a lot about who I used to be and who I am now. Here are the lyrics the chorus...OH THE CHORUS!!! 

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and it's patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless just enough
Who'll get hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine

Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

This month has been a hum dinger with work responsibilites, finances, children and their needs, church responsibilities, kids evening concerts, holiday parties the list goes on and on. I can honestly say there wasn't a moment that I had to myself. I slept like a ton of bricks. The minute my head hit the pillow I was out and nearly everyday awoke to the alarm ringing disoriented and wondering what day of the week it was.

Most days I look in the mirror and don't recognize the aging face I see looking back at me.  The days slip by one by one and I am so caught up in the raising of my children and teaching children that I lose myself completely. Before I know it a month has gone by without time for a single work out, the edges are frayed and if you look closely you can see that the nail polish is chipped, the roots are really grown out, there is a bit of weight where there once wasn't any. The saddest thing I think is being so mired in the work that the dreams I once held dear don't even occur to me. Dating is something I would like to do and I am wondering where that would all fit.

She Used to.........

Travel the world
exercise every day
Had time to do the chores, the dishes, the laundry
Her hair done and dressed nicely

She once dreamed about a Masters
in Art History to teach classes
at the local Community College

She took naps
had pretty make-up
a decorated house and dishes that matched

She's traded clothes shopping at Anthro for clothes shopping at Costco
Shopping trips, personal trainers
Fancy lunches and vacations
Are things of the past

She laughed easily
loved voraciously
wasn't afraid of anything really

She was in the drivers seat
the one in control

She works endless hours to clothe and feed the babies that are hers
Homework, lesson plans, reports, concerts, practices, driving here and there takes much patience and balance of the schedule
A day of rest is one to do laundry, catch up on chores, no time for naps anymore
There are needs to be met and none of them are hers

She must work through every break and lunches
to make sure when the children
see her after school she is ready to help them,
and then home to make dinner,
Scriptures and family prayer

Until all she sees is a grey blur of the life that is hers but isn't hers
Because she gave it away
And she'll do it again day by day

She gives up almost every singles activity
Schedules change and last minute she plans accordingly
Who she is now is not who she used to be

I don't think the things I love will never happen again. I feel like I will travel to far away lands, enjoy art museums but it is just tabled. My life isn't about me anymore. The person I used to be was self centered and now there is no time for that. I know I need more balance and I am trying to figure that out again. These are the things that have to be done right now day in and day out. I love my children so much that I will happily give my life to helping them become the best they can be. After all, they are my life's work.


XOXO- The Tired Sunny D