Broke

Sunday at my Mom's house after dinner and I swear I will never get tired of this little ginger snuggling up to me. I mean let's be honest the snuggles are getting less and less as he gets older but I still love it. 

The dish washer is running and there are still a pile of dishes in my sink. 

The dryer and washer are both going. 

The house was scoured yesterday and yet it is a mess today. 

There are piles of clothes on my coffee table folded and another pile unfolded on the couch. 

My allergies are CRAZY right now causing my eyes to do some seriously weird stuff and the pressure behind them is quite uncomfortable. 

And what does all this mess mean? It means people live here, and love here, and my house smells like Ghiradelli brownies fresh out of the oven but that isn't so bad. 

It is quiet right now. The quiet is something that has been needed desperately by me all week. It was my first full week back to work. Aydan has football practice at 5am and that meant that this not-ever-in-the-history-of-time-morning-person had to wake up super early in the morning. Like it is STILL night time at that hour and I have always whole heartedly believed people (meaning me) should never wake up before the sun. It is literally against all that is holy and yet here I am. Driving my son to practice in my muumuu or clothes on inside out haphazard hair and a hint of sleep breath and yesterday's mascara. I wouldn't even categorize this look as a hot mess. Maybe a sweaty, hot, middle aged, exhausted, ragamuffin and yet that even feels a bit generous. What is the lesson? 

I met my darling class this last week and they are pretty adorable. I have been a bit more strict than in the past and very legitimate in creating a work environment (classroom) that is happy for everyone including me. That means high expectations, praise, re-direction, and consistency from me. The first few weeks are a lot of work as we teachers are trying to get procedures in place. My class is doing well and I am happy to be their teacher. I also know that I am responsible for the environment I create and I am working very hard on that. 

Ellie is easy she loves school and reading. She helps me in the classroom after work tidying up or sharpening pencils and passing papers. She gets her homework done right away and I don't even have to ask her. I love having her with me she is just a love. 

A lot of living is going on here and our days this week have been very long ones. Starting at five am and ending after nine-thirty pm without putting a foot in our door. There has been a lot of juggling, and stressful situations. I have been asking myself, what is the lesson? 

I came home Friday and turned off my phone and fell onto my bed where I slept for two hours. Hard. Heavy sleep. Then I woke up at 7:30 and Ellie and I ran to Costco, and then at around 9pm I finally made dinner to get back to bed around 10:00. The pressure behind my eyes is unreal and the twitching finally let up today after another nap. Like I don't even know what is going on with them but it's like I go cross eyed and I can't see. Is this stress? Is this exhaustion? Is this allergies? Do I need glasses? I am just not sure. What is the lesson? 

I made a promise to myself that I would love myself but how do you do that when you are busy loving everyone else? How do you say no. How do you say no to your son who forgot his lunch in the fridge so early in the morning as he was rushing to football? I can't. So I bust my rear to go home and leave early to get his lunch to him. I mean I know love and logic says not to do that but gosh his days are as long as mine and he doesn't even GET a lunch period so how would he even go down and buy a lunch? This is just one example of many. I absolutely get to the point where I cannot look at one more human being by the end of the week or do one more thing. The personal emotional bank is overdrawn and this girl is BROKE. 

What is the lesson? 

I am still learning. Out of 144 hours how many of those did I spend loving myself? I have been running again. Running, my life line and a time that I can just be grateful that my body works, and can do this thing. Albeit slowly, but it goes and at 5:30 Friday morning when I was able to run my "LONG" run as my regular run I felt strong and capable for the first time in a long time. I was so happy with the progress. So out of 144 hours I will give myself two hours spent in self care, loving myself. I also read my scriptures almost every day for about (I'll be generous) 1 hour and fifteen minutes TOTAL. Maybe fifteen minutes each day. 

Is three hours and fifteen minutes enough time out of 144 hours? 

The pressure behind my eyes says no. 

The lesson is I have to use my time more wisely. I have to say no to the things that do not bring love, peace, and joy. I think that means cutting out social media which is such a time suck and such a waste of my most valuable commodity. 

Tonight as I have taken this hour to meditate over my week and see where I failed and see what I can do better I read the article Take the Holy Spirit as Your Guide. I knew there was something I needed to take a closer look at in this article because it has come up three times this week. THREE. Three is a magic number as we all know from the famous School House Rock song. Truly though, when something is brought to my attention three times, I know there is something I need to pay close attention to. So tonight, I read and I wrote and processed and asked for divine help and guidance. 

And now I am writing which is a form of meditation and processing for me. 

I have also cut back on soda and tried to drink half my body weight in water. That has been so helpful. So there are some really good things. 

The lesson. Do less. Be Organized. Sleep. Run. Read Scriptures. So you can bring your A game. Here I stand at the footstool of another week and I am the writer of it, how will it go? 

XOXO- The Sunny D