Chasing Rainbows

This picture has nothing to do with this post except isn't my niece perfect in every way? Sigh. 

I struggle with anxiety. I have my whole life when I was young I didn't have a name for it or understand it. A block wall would just inhibit my ability to think or work through problems. Anxiety reared its ugly head any time I was timed in Math or tested in Math.

 Fast Forward. 

When I was 21 I was called to be the Primary Music Leader. If you know me you know I love to sing. I sing all the time. I played the violin growing up and was pretty proficient at it. I was in the All-State Orchestra and the Chamber and Symphony Orchestra'a at Mesa High. However, I lacked confidence in my ability to lead others in music. Plus, I was newly married and at the time and we were going to be moving out of the ward in a few months. When I was called, I said, Are you sure?!? They were sure. There was this mounting pressure, fake pressure, that I put on myself. Plus, I hadn't been in Primary..since Primary so I couldn't remember the songs. Oh man did I practice. I can remember sitting on the floor of my little apartment listening to the cd's and looking at how to lead in the back of the singing book. I practiced leading the songs every day so I could feel prepared. I practiced and practiced and fretted over the music. I wanted to make music time fun but I didn't actually know how to lead music and I didn't know what I was doing. My anxiety reared its ugly head and I struggled through primary music each week, but I showed up and I was doing my best. It was one Sunday that all of my fears and anxieties were confirmed. I sucked. I knew it, the kids knew it, the pianist knew it. Everyone knew it. One Sunday the whole primary presidency was going to be out of town so they had the old primary presidency sit in. There was a new song to practice and I didn't know it so I was holding the song book in one hand and leading in the high low way with my other hand. As I was doing this, the old Primary President walked up to me mid-song and took the book out of my hand and began to lead the song, with me standing there, next to her, in shock. My husband at the time was a Primary teacher and the look we exchanged it etched on my heart. I turned in shock and sat down on the chair next to the piano. It was the last song of the day, and I left the primary room as fast as I could after the closing prayer choking back the sobs of hot embarrassment and my fears and anxieties confirmed. I left that ward that Sunday and never went back. I could not face the humiliation. In fact, in writing about it the feelings are still there, painful and tender. 

Fast Forward. 

I have been called to be the Primary Music leader in my ward. It doesn't seem like a big stretch for me, right? After all, I teach children. Perfect fit. I have been teaching for years. I have taught everything I could in the church. I have been in Nursery, and Primary, Scouts, I have taught Gospel Principals, Gospel Doctrine, I have taught in Young Women's, I have taught in Relief Society in fact there isn't anything I haven't taught if I could. I have been in Presidency's and served in various callings and capacities without fear. 

But, this calling.

 This calling forces me to swallow my anxieties and fears and work through them. My fear of being embarrassed in public from the previous experience in this calling is ever present sitting on my heart. The last month or so has stretched me and also given me bouts of stress diarrhea. On Mother's Day and today on Father's Day the children are to sing a song in front for the whole ward and I am to lead them. Me. The girl who had the song book taken out of her hands when she was leading, mid-lead! This is what it feels like, I get up and walk to the front of the chapel. There is buzzing in my ears and I feel an intense urge to either throw up or run out the door. The kids sing, I don't hear anything they sing because I am literally paralyzed inside myself, the song ends and I sit down. Luckily, this has happened without a hitch. And let me just add that the only reason I said yes to this in the first place is my little sister Morgan plays the piano. I would have an ally and she could help me with the music stuff.

Let's talk about yesterday. 

The Primary President sent me a text asking me if I could lead the music for Stake Baptisms Saturday. I didn't answer. I was hoping that maybe she would forget but the truth is my anxiety about leading the music made me want to throw up. Literally. She sent a reminder text and I responded that I would help. I got up early on Saturday to get dressed and ready. I walked outside to rain. Glorious, Beautiful rain. 

I stopped at the gas station on the way for some liquid confidence i.e. Diet Coke. As I was filling my cup a guy behind me dropped a GALLON of water that splashed up the back of my dress. With an exclamation of, "OH SH** and a luke warm SORRY he sauntered off. I stood there in my dress looking like I peed myself heading to stand in front of a few hundred people. I wanted to trip him with a luke warm I'm sorry. But, I didn't. You know manners and being an adult get in the way sometimes. I headed to the church soaking wet. When I got there the heavy cement bricks of anxiety began to stack themselves around me. I was fidgety, I sat and stood up, I texted the Primary President because all of a sudden I thought maybe I was supposed to pick the music for this..Was I? What are the songs? All of these worries swam around in my head and I just kept telling myself, pretend they are all second graders, they are just second graders. The songs had been picked already and were printed in the program. I got up and led the opening song and my heart and mind were cleared and peaceful. I was doing this and no one was taking the song book out of my hands. Even if it looked like I peed my pants. Then the children who were being baptized got up and they were so sweet and tender. I led them and the congregation of the Baptism Song that says: I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain, and ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again, I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain, I want to be the best I can and live with God again. 

The symbolism of the rainy day, rain we haven't seen in Arizona in months and months was not lost on me. And I, I was trying to be the best I can. 

And so I chase the rainbows even when there is rain and I am learning. 

There has been a little rain figuratively too. There was this hope in the recesses of my heart that turned to disappointment. You know there are things that you wish for but they are just that, a wish. What I have found is if the wish or hope is directly something you can do or change it will, if you want it badly enough and are willing to sacrifice for it. However, if the hope or wish has to do with someone else there is little you can do to make it so. Hopes are dashed and it feels a bit rainy but I am chasing the rainbows. So, I do what I can that bring the rainbows into my life. I spend time with friends, go run, cook good food, deep clean, spend time with my kids and family. In this way the days pass happily because that is what I CAN do. 

Find the rainbows...XOXO The Sunny D.

The Purge

And so it begins. 

The summer purge. 

I cleaned all day, in my room. It is now sparkling and clean and there are bags upon bags of items to go to Goodwill. I subscribe to the Marie Kondo philosophy, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. If you have not read her book, you should. It makes it awfully easy when deciding what to keep and what to throw away. I purged items that held emotional memories, some things I had clung to for decades. Man it feels good. Everything is loaded in my car and ready to be delivered tomorrow. My bathroom is scrubbed and there is nothing I love more than the smell of cleaning supplies that have just been used. 

The hallway is next which contains a linen closet, a bathroom, and the computer desk. I'll start on that tomorrow. Or, I may work on the bathroom cabinets....There is an endless supply of things to clean. I love a clean house, but during the school year I struggle to keep it all together so summer time is my spring cleaning time. I hope to get the whole upstairs done this week so when the kids come home we can tackle their rooms. 

That is not the only purge...I am cutting down on the Diet Coke. I drank more water today than I have in a long time. I also have to have substitutes so I am armed with my favorite Tazo Passion Tea. It is so super refreshing. I like to make a big pot of it up and drink it over ice. YUM. I am hoping that by the end of Summer I am completely off of soda. It is such a hard habit for me to break.

I have been working on purging old habits. Our lives and experiences shape who we are and along the way we pick up coping mechanisms. They aren't always the best way to handle things or move through struggles. It's like Heather says; "Did you get all quiet and fidgety?" Whenever I am faced with a problem I tend to shut down a bit. I get quiet and wiggly like I can't hold on to the information and it is trying so hard to get out but gets stuck in my throat. The benefit of having a friend who has literally known you half your life is she can call you out on your crap. She has seen me navigate through some of my best shining moments and some of my ugliest. 

And so. Purging old ways..... I have been working on being vulnerable. It has been a challenge for me but a good one. I have had some really wonderful experiences that were safe for me emotionally. I have been able to open up more and my heart has blossomed. I have learned that I am not as broken as I thought I was. Perfect? No. I am far from it but I am trying and I think that is the key. I have worked on purging fear and anxiety. I feel like I have grown so much in the last year and I am happy. I have let myself be seen. Like one of my favorite authors and speakers Brene Brown says, "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen." In being vulnerable I have had many personal disappointments that I will not delve into here but I will say this (another Brene Brown gem) "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage." It's just that when you are trying to be authentic and open and honest sometimes that doesn't feel like courage, but courage was never meant to feel easy. Otherwise it wouldn't be so glorious when it happens and you'd miss out on that feeling of satisfaction. 

I am constantly in awe of the love that My Father in Heaven has for me. He has placed in my life friends and family that are way better friends than I deserve. I am never alone and am grateful, so grateful for them. I see his hand in my life daily. They show up for me and they show up often. I want to be better about reaching out to them because they do such a good job reaching out to me. I am so thankful for wonderful loved ones. 

I may not be traveling the world this summer but......I am still on the move. Purging, Being Brave, Moving Forward. 

May you be courageous and kind even when it is tricky---XOXO The Sunny D

Don't Poke the Bear

DON'T POKE THE BEAR. 

She needs to hibernate. For a week at least. The bear is tired so incredibly tired. The exhaustion is felt behind the eyes and does not disappear after a nights rest. She might growl at you and a shifty side glance let's you know you better watch out. The bear is at her limit and she is not to be crossed. She holds herself together by a thread and sometimes that thread snaps. I'm sorry. I am the bear. Hear me roar...don't worry you can't miss it. 

May. It is the hardest month of the year for a teacher. Every day you spend every ounce trying to keep your class in line, and working, and on task but alas...Summer is in the air. It is exhausting. There are end of the year activities to organize and attend on top of the regular duties. Class parties to organize and for some really weird reason all of a sudden parents really need you...like all of them at once. Oh and that GREAT idea of the Oh, The Places You'll Go book that every parent puts in your teacher box at the end of the year to write a special note in for their child when your to-do list is insurmountable......I have one request for all parents...Please send those books in April. I love writing special notes! I send each of my students a hand written note in the mail each year. BUT PLEASE OH PLEASE SEND THOSE BOOKS ANY OTHER TIME THAN THE LAST WEEK OF THE YEAR!!!! 

I went with T to his family reunion for Memorial Day, we had a lot of fun but I could not shake the heaviness of the exhaustion that weighed on me. I tried to do some self care and go run. I walked out of the cabin to the street and looked to my right and my left. Hills. Hills and more hills. It was ok though I ran the hills and enjoyed the warmth and the clear blue sky and fresh air. 

We saw so many elk which was super cool and some mule deer. We visited a lake and T won $50 at the casino! We visited the Snowflake Temple and then drove to the Petrified Forest and Painted Desert. I won't tell you what I thought of that.....I'll just say the Yelp rating of four stars was AWFULLY high in my opinion. I guess at least I can say I went and really, it was fun to be with T he loved it. It was good to get away, I am not sure I would have made it through the next week of trainings had I not had that little respite. It was like the walking "teacher" dead during that last week of meetings. EVERYONE was tired. We did get a lot of work done and the truth is I sure love my job and the people that work there. 

At the end of the school year, I just feel pulled in every direction. Everyone needs my time and attention and sometimes I just can't. do. it. any. more. I get super testy. So I apologize to all who came in contact with me not at school with my happy smile but after hours to the Grizzly. Literally, the next three days after work got out I slept. I slept, and slept, and growled at people, and slept. Friday I slept. Saturday I slept. Sunday I slept. The Bear had begun hibernation. 

Sunday night my new baby niece was born. We just love her.  Welcome to the world Pippa! All of us are so happy you are here. She is a sweetie pie. My handsome Aydan boy with sweet baby girl. 

Early Monday morning I headed out to my happy place with Ellie, Heather, and Livy. Mexico.....here we come. Our annual girl's trip had commenced. Here is what we do on the girls trip: we sleep, we read, we sit and stare at the ocean, we lay in the sun, sometimes get in the water if we get hot, we play games, and we watch movies, we eat tacos and we repeat. Every day until Friday. 

When I returned home I felt more like myself than I had in weeks. My eyes didn't ache anymore. I am me again. 

The Sunny (Grizzly) D....XOXO