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The Sunny D: December 2012

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Resolve???


When I am not feeling so sunny, I remember this picture. Then I think, life isn't that bad.


A few New Years resolutions. I have been thinking about this today. What do I resolve to do this year? I like that as a new year approaches it gives pause to contemplate the past and evaluate what changes need to be made for the future. My memory fails me sometimes so I looked at last years post to remind me of where I was at the end of 2011. The holidays are hard, especially hard if you are divorced and share your children and are alone. I don't care who you are or how positive your attitude is. I have to say that I am pleased with my progress. It has been slow, especially if I compare myself to others. Which, one should never do. The time line goes as follows:
  • December/ January 2011- Divorce Final/ Emotional and Broken
  • December/January 2012- Healthier/Some Cynicism/Still Emotional
  • December/January 2013- Happy, Healthy, Some struggles but managing them, and OH yeah, I have been divorced for two years this January but had to look back at last years resolutions to remember that. 
This last year I made a lot of personal head way, I reached goals I never thought I would and I learned through DAILY PRACTICE to be happy. I ran a marathon, and a Ragnar relay. I lost a big chunk of weight, I made it through the toughest summer yet as a single Mom with the Ex losing his job. I refocused on the things that were truly important. I embraced a healthier lifestyle. I read the Book of Mormon. I ran a successful preschool and at the tail end of 2012 took a teaching position and began or maybe continued a successful teaching career thus far. I truly learned to love running kids around to practices, tutoring and enjoyed Saturday morning games. I was so blessed to have deep, lasting, loving, relationships with friends and family. I learned how to be a better friend. I quit soda and therefore my bad habit of not keeping the sabbath day holy. I have experienced some of the hardest things this year and some of the best things too. My only resolution last year was to BE HAPPY. It seems so simple doesn't it but at the time I made that resolution being happy was hard. Now, being happy is just the way to BE. I am happy because life IS happy, I have learned to find joy in the little things. So as I ponder what I want to work on this year, I sift through my list of short comings. I have not quite nailed down my resolutions but I do know the area's I need to work.

1) Deepen my personal commitment to the Savior
2) Now that I am working full time I am struggling with when to work out, as I am so tired at night but have to be to work by 7:30 am. Which means having a pretty early morning already, but exercise is a key to personal happiness for me. So do I commit to another race for motivation? How do I work this into my new schedule and how do I motivate myself to work out in the afternoon when I get home after a long day?
3) Preparing healthy meals I can feel good serving to my family with my new crazy schedule? How. Because my first week of work we hit up In-N-Out, I made mac n cheese one night, and opened a can of soup another night and THAT seemed like hard work. 
4) Read all of my BOOK CLUB BOOKS
5) Get enough sleep..nightowlitis
6) Take time to continue to emotionally connect with each of my children EVERY DAY
7)  Quench my curiosity and thirst for adventure
8) Keep my house neat and tidy or else I get stressed out if its dirty and messy
9) Prepare more efficiently financially for the future

These are the things I am thinking about, I hope to have a more definite list of resolutions by the end of this week. Good Luck making your resolutions too!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Very Merry

Actually, make it a Dyson and we're in business.


It is Christmas Day. I awoke early and made a quiche to take over to have breakfast with my kids and their Dad, his wife, and daughter. It was interesting, and oddly strange to be the Mother of several of the children that are opening presents. Yet, feel like you're there but invisibly hovering. I kept quiet, stayed out of the way and happily gathered my chickadee's at ten to go to our house to open presents. The kids were very happy with Christmas this year. Ellie asked me if we could bake cookies. How could I tell her no? I hadn't done any baking for the holiday's. So that is what we spent the afternoon doing. We made sugar cookies and iced them. It was fun and very Christmasy. Aydan wandered in and out of the kitchen mostly to sample and occasionally decorating a cookie or two. 

I got out my violin and played some music. My sister had two of the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack music books and recently gave one to me. I was playing some of the music from it. The music to that soundtrack is so beautiful, it gives me chills. It is very moving and I can feel the emotion of it. I think that maybe it is because I identify with it. I decided I am going to try and squeeze in some practice time each day. I forget how much playing brings me happiness. 

My Mom had to work today so the afternoon was slow and uneventful. It was wonderful! To just be home enjoying each others company! I think the perfect day. We headed over to my Mom and Dad's at about four thirty and talked on the phone to my little brother who is on a mission. It was so fun to hear from him. We then opened presents and played several games together. I can't think of anything more gratifying than spending the day with the people I love the most. I am constantly reminded how lucky I am, how many blessings I have. This life is a miraculous one. It seems that as I progress as a person and become a stronger woman that life continues to surprise me with golden nuggets. It just keeps getting better and better. 

We came home fairly late, I read Goldilocks and The Three Dinosaurs to my kids. I had washed my bedding so I made my bed. For some reason as I was making it I remembered, that there was a LONG period of time YEARS and YEARS that I would go to sleep each and every night crying. I would cry myself to sleep! I stopped for a minute thinking how odd that was, that I thought that was NORMAL, that life would never get better than that. I couldn't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep, quietly grieving as if to not let the person next to me know that I was. The ramifications of me showing emotion, of being sad were not any I had the strength to deal with. I looked at my pillow as I placed the pillow case back on it with its sunny yellow pin stripe and said a silent thank-you for the simple, yet abundant, happy life I live. I know that life can be difficult, but I also have such a brightness of hope for my future. I look forward to creating a home where kindness, and mutual love is shared. Where on a Christmas Day, sometime in the future we can just enjoy each other's company and bask in the happiness of the simple, joyful life. 


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Trailblaizin'





I feel as if I have yet again landed in uncharted territory as the map of my life unfolds. There have been a lot of new developments as of late. The children have had a lot of changes to deal with this last year, and so have I. The kids Dad remarried a nice young woman with a lovely child. They have a new family dynamic to get used too. I often wonder how they feel about going back and forth between the two houses, it must be difficult for them all the adjusting that they have to do. In fact, I know it is hard for them from talks we have had. I wish I could make things easier.  I have tried very hard to keep things very consistent for them here in our home. I want them to feel comforted with the fact that they will always know what to expect and that generally the routine is the same. I think this is very important for a child. However, I also want them to learn that sometimes life demands flexibility and that together we will work hard to make the necessary changes as painless as possible.

This summer was one of the hardest I have encountered. There were many factors, but these events pushed me forward to grow a little more. I learned a lot of lessons, two major theme's played out. They were: You can't control what other people do to you, you can only control your attitude, and how you choose to move forward. The other prominent theme was to receive with grace and gratitude. I see clearly the Lord's hand in my life, and I am grateful for his lessons. I had a lot of forward movement to do.

 One of the major shifts I needed to make was to forgive and let go of past hurts. I have learned how to apply the atonement a little bit better. I am a very visual person, and in some of the counseling I did at the beginning of my divorce the therapist used mental imaging. She would give cues and I would talk through what I was feeling. I remember I was describing to her what my heart looked like. I saw it inside my body, but it was clasped tightly and bolted with iron clad armour and it had a huge padlock on the front as to not let anyone in for fear of being hurt again. It was after this session and some introspection that I realized yes, I was protecting my heart from being hurt but I was also protecting it so well that NOTHING good or bad could get in or out. I began the personal work it takes to free my heart from this type of bondage. As I have grown healthier and stronger, the armour around my heart began to break loose, bolt by bolt. One evening as the weather began to cool and it felt as if Fall was finally settling in there was a shift in my attitude towards past events. I knelt in prayer for a long time, for many nights in a row and the following days. I let go.

 The miraculous thing in letting go, truly letting go was that as soon as I did I felt my heart open up. Since then wonderful things have been happening to me, I was offered and accepted a 4th grade teaching position. My life is filled with more joy and happiness and peace. I have come to understand that I do not need the acceptance of anyone else but my Savior's. I now see how important it is for me, no matter how others view me, to see others as the Savior does. I see how important it is to give love. I think this year that is the best gift I have received. Too see with clear eyes and an open heart.


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Pleasie Squeezie My Trapeezie

No Woman, No Cry

Who doesn't love a little Bob Marley? I do. I had this massage therapist he sort of resembled Bob Marley. He was from the Caribbean, had dread locks to his shoulders. I was referred to him by a friend. He could knead my traps as if they were pizza dough, never have I had a better massage on my neck. He was funny too, I asked him where he was from the first time I met him and he said, "Wisconsin." I laughed. I carry so much stress in my shoulders, my trap muscles specifically. I have to constantly remind my self to relax. When I am stressed I will hold my shoulders all scrunched up, they almost feel like they are reaching my earlobes. The other night was no exception, there had been several long days in a row. OKAY, let's be honest WEEKS.  I felt a migraine reaching its way out from behind my eye. The kids were with their Father so I called Massage Envy to see if I could get in to my beloved neck kneader. To my dismay I was informed he had left Massage Envy. I have a couple other guys there that I like but they were all booked. So I asked if there was anyone who was a comparable massage therapist to my Caribbean. She said there was a new guy and he was JUST like him with an 8pm appointment opening. I scheduled my appointment. I ran errands and got some things done that needed to be done then went to my 8 pm appointment.


I was looking forward to just checking out for an hour. I met my new massage therapist. He was young, very shy but you could tell a sweet guy. He started the massage and lets just say if the Caribbean was like a skilled pizza dough maker, this guy was like my preschoolers cutting out shapes with cookie cutters. It was OK, but NOTHING like the same technique as the other guys I go too. However, I still had a relaxing massage and I was grateful for the break. When the massage was over he stepped out of the room. I checked my makeup to make sure it wasn't smudged and walked into the hall where he was waiting with a cup of water. I thanked him, and then he proceeded to give me advice. He said, "You need to make sure to drink this water and to be drinking water all day. I want you to really drink a lot of water." ( I drink more than a gallon a day) ..........Okay, I replied. Then he looked me in the eyes and said, "Your skin is really dry. Your hands and feet are especially dry. You need to really take care of them, put lotion on them and drink a lot of water." Oookay. I said. Then as I was exiting to the lobby he stopped me and said, "You know, since your a diabetic." I looked at him probably like this picture to the right.


And I said, " I am not a diabetic." To which he said, Oh well your chart says you are. I said, well then it needs to be changed because I am not.


In my head I thought this guy is NOTHING like the Caribbean but for ONE exception.

I walked the the counter to settle the bill and the gal asked if I liked my Massage? I said, yes it was fine. She said, Is he like the Caribbean? To which I said, Why because he's black?


He sort of looked like this guy, but younger and with glasses. I left thinking SERIOUSLY? You put me with a guy not because of his ability but because they are both black? I was without words. Literally. No words.