Set Her Free

That feeling has returned. 

The oppressive, heavy feeling, that comes with responsibility and being an adult. 

The feeling of being stuck. The feeling of it is all too much. 

I am stuck in a thirty mile radius of my home because that is about as far as I dare to drive my car out and back. I am limited to a 30 mile one way maximum drive. At least I can still get to Last Chance and back. Now that would really be the end of the world if I couldn't get there and back, wouldn't it?  I love that Honda though with its 250,000 miles, broken door handles, cracked the whole way front window and rear view mirror, windows that don't roll down and A/C that only works if you are driving at a speed over 35 miles per hour. The construction on Higley Road is about to kill me and my children.  If we have to sit in traffic for longer than 2.3 minutes and the outside temperature is over seventy degrees the air conditioning turns to a slow, hot vapor, oozing from the vents of the car. Which, are also broken. The steering wheel also shakes, a lot. Don't worry a new car is on the horizon it just isn't immediately alleviating the feeling of stuckness. 

I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of being stuck. I mean I know there are worse things trust me. The financial pressure of being an adult and being responsible is very hard sometimes. One of my favorite books is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am sure you have heard of her. I am reading another book by her that is about living creatively. In it she talks about how she would do any job to save up money so she could travel and write about it. That sounds so romantic doesn't it? I am not sure how one can do that with children as I just paid a $40.00 co-pay for my daughters sinus infection. You know, because I am responsible I take care of my children. I also understand my role as a Mom and know that, that is THE most important thing. Being a Mom sure takes care of that silly little attribute called selfishness. It wrings it right out of you like a high diver using a shammy as he exits the pool. 

That doesn't mean that my whole heart, spirit, and mind are not longing to explore. There is this piece of ME the real inside me that longs to see and do and learn all about the world and people and cultures. It is the inside me that hopes. It is the me that dreams, is brave, and is longing for an adventure.   No. Needs it. Needs adventure and something to hold onto because all of this stuff that is sitting around me right now like stinky, poop streaked, underwear laundry and taxes and co-pays and little money left over because it is all being given away to make others lives happier might just suffocate the real me. Well, and how about those dishes?  I just want to feel alive in my skin and have something to look forward too. 

I want to believe in possibilities again. 

Something. 

I want to feel the heat of Asia and the taste of a cool, seedy, dragon fruit. I want to see a Buddha half a mile long and hear people selling their wares along the river while riding in a boat. I want to ride a rusty bike by the sea shore and watch men fishing and sleeping in hammocks along the coast. I want to smell curry as I step off the plane in Thailand. I want to marvel at the dedication the people have to their God in Bali and walk the rice paddies. I want to visit a Hindu temple and eat Dim Sum. I want to see a monkey swoop down and steal melon right off my plate. I want to be surrounded by so much green it makes me sleepy and see sheep dotted here and there through the countryside. I want to enter a 10th century church the size of my bathroom that you can feel the sacredness of that place. I want to stand in front of the place where my Great Grandmother was born in Ireland and eat soda bread so delicious it could never be recreated. I want to stroll through the museums of history and art and eat lunch in the cafe. I want to look all over and feel like I hit the jackpot when I find a Diet Coke with ice, and by ice I mean ONE ice cube. I want to use public transportation because using that is sometimes a treasure hunt in itself; oh and restrooms. I want to watch the people at the park. I want to sit and watch and soak in all I see and fall in love with it. I want to join in a game of Bocce ball in France. Oh, how I want to see Giverney! I want to order a crepe right on a street corner and go the the flea market. I want to be surrounded by art. I want to marvel at every single thing in Westminister Abbey and then walk outside to see a red phone booth and double decker bus. I want to walk around castles and pretend I live there. I want to feel cobblestone under my feet. I want to lay on the beach in Spain and eat pepitas. I want to meet friends and go to a fair at two in the morning. I want to see cathedrals and grab a tuna sandwich from the department store and then head to Zara. I want to be thin like I was when I was there. I want to see ancient Rome show up in unexpected places and visit midevil towns set amidst bustleing modern cities. I want to be with my friends. I would even feed the birds again. Except I have done these things already and so I ask, where next? I want to live, and breathe, and set my good little heart free for a few days. 

And maybe I should just be grateful for all of these memories and hope for more. 

I can't say why anyone would choose to wear a green sweatsuit to Ireland. It's so attractive no wonder my first husband divorced me. Geez. Look at that landscape. Just look, is that not dreamy? Ireland.

That church. Sigh. Scotland. Someone was married there that day and I died a little inside at the pure romance of it all. 

Harrods

Versailles....all my France pictures were lost but a few. 

Touch the rose for good luck....Spain

Me and T

Spain

Spain

Bali....Mom's feet

Rice Paddy

Bangkok

So hot and sweaty = HAIR. 

I feel better. I think what I have realized is that maybe I just need to buckle down and get a car so I don't feel stuck. I have been so fortunate and I realize this and am so grateful. As I looked through my pictures and the memories in my mind I thought of all the people I love who I have traveled with and many not pictured here. How I love all of those people.  I have decided it is time to plan. It is time to save some money so there is something to look forward too. It is time to prioritize and cut back and make a travel plan. 

Something to look forward to besides......

My reality which is sitting alone in church on Easter. Or maybe just the being alone part. It is time to make a plan. It is time to have a goal and something to get excited about. Adventure awaits. 

XOXO- The Sunny D 

Prayer Works

Kindergarten. I attended Edison Elementary School. I don't remember very much about Kindergarten except that My teacher's name was Ms. Ginanette (SP) and she was from Missouri. She showed us a picture of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. We had a leprechaun come to our room over St. Patrick's day which I thought was just magical because we could see his green footprints on the linoleum. She was nice and wore culotte's pretty much every day. There was a BIG mulberry tree in the front yard of the Kindergarten classrooms and we played under it nearly every recess. We had round tables that sat five or six Kindergartener's and when Ms. Ginanette turned around to write on the chalkboard we would run around the tables as fast as we could and kiss all the boys that sat at our table. Boy that was fun!

My Grandma drove me and picked me up from school everyday. I started early at the age of four. One day as school let out I walked out of my classroom at the front of the school and saw a group of kids begin to walk home. The sun was shining it wasn't hot out and I thought what a great idea. I decided to walk home too. Except, I had never walked home.

I did not worry if I knew the way. I was sure I did. I had complete confidence in my abilities and after all this was a well thought out plan.

My classroom was the door on the right. Do you see the Mulberry tree?

I walked down the breezeway and onto the sidewalk. There were a lot of kids walking home and I followed them.

 I turned left and walked to the end of the street.

At the end of the street I turned left. 

I walked to the end of this street and I began to notice that I was the only child left walking. 

I wasn't afraid I just kept going and I knew soon I would be home and in my mind I thought how happy Grandma would be to see me. I walked down this long road and found the street that looked like the one I should turn left on. I crossed the big black road and I knew Grandma's house would be at the end of the street. 

Except. It wasn't. This wasn't Grandma's house and panic started to set in as I realized that I had no idea where I was and no idea what to do. I started to think through the steps I had been taught if I was lost. 1. Find an adult. I remember thinking there aren't any adults and I could knock on a door but then that is a stranger and what about stranger danger? 

It was here that I had one of the most poignant experiences of my childhood. 

I remembered I had been taught by my Mom that if I did not know what to do I could always pray and that is what I did. I folded my arms, I bowed my head, and I remember saying Dear Heavenly Father, I decided to walk home and now I am lost. I don't know what to do. Please help me. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. I unfolded my arms and looked up and a distinct impression came into my heart and mind that said, Turn the corner. 

So I did. 

I walked right around that corner and through the trees I could see HOME. I had turned one street too early. I ran the WHOLE way I felt pure joy. I think this must be what Heaven feels like. When you see home. 

I ran across the street and up the walkway. I knocked on the door and Grandma was having a quilting bee. Sister Arnette opened the door and scolded me. "Where have you been?! Your Grandma is worried sick about you!" I said, "I decided to walk home." I remember her saying I would be in big trouble and then she went to call the school. I wasn't in big trouble. I did however learn a big lesson.

Prayer works. Heavenly Father listens and he will answer your sincere prayers. This has served me well throughout my life. I am so grateful for good parents and grandparents who TAUGHT me what to do in a sticky situation. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who listens and loves me and will always help me in my long walk to find my way home.


XOXO- The Sunny D

Regrets, No Regrets

A few interesting events happened today. The first was I ran into a guy I had dated shortly after my divorce and the second was lessons from running. I will start with the latter first. 

Regrets: Maybe the fact that I looked like a clown on Monday when I ran. I wasn't even paying attention. I just had to get out there and run. My legs were heavy and so on went the compression running socks. Voila. My next big purchase will be new running shoes this pair is so old I've run about six races and trained in this pair of shoes. 

No Regrets: It has been a bit of a road building up miles running. You know mile one, three, six, and nine seem to be the biggest hurdles. Lately getting past two seemed daunting. Today I put on my running pants I ran the marathon in and tackled a four miler, man it felt good and hot and sweaty. That is the best way to start shift two. Take a minute to decompress from shift one which in my case is teaching school to begin shift two which is being the Mom. I had a little friend join me on the walk home. He reminded me of my childhood kitty named Popcorn. Is that not the prettiest walk home ever? I love it. 

It Made Me Think

Tonight I decided to run

My ponytail went swish 

Which made me think

Just Do It. 

Swish

Marathon pants 

Which made me think

Really? You are crying about four miles

Shoes that are crummy 

Which made me think 

My left toe is on fire

Blister

The sun is warm and the air is cool

Which made me think

Gratitude

Deep Breath

Greenfield Hill

Which made me think

This is hard

I can't breathe

I feel nauseous

Which made me think 

Did I eat enough today? 

What did I even eat

Oh. Chicken Noodle Soup

Which made me think

I'm hungry

Growl. 

Bieber on the radio

Baby, Baby, Baby, Ohhhhhh

Which made me think 

Change the song

Top of the hill 

High Five the Pole 

As usual 

Which makes me happy

It is the homestretch 

Home. 

Regrets: An interesting thing happened today. As my class was heading out to lunch I saw a man I had dated about a year after my divorce. Let me just say for the record, I for one maybe should have sat that year out of dating. I was not what I would call emotionally stable. I was running the gamut of the stages of grief and trying to piece my broken life back together. I also so desperately needed friends and didn't know where to turn. There were good things and bad things and a lot of lessons learned along the way. Anyway, in seeing this person I felt a new emotion. Regret. 

Regret that I didn't even know existed until I saw this person today. In seeing him today I actually could SEE him. I was sad that I had met him so early on because he is just the kind of person I would probably like today. I know things happen for a reason it just made me think. I know what my weaknesses are in dating. Trust is a major one, fear of rejection, fear of opening up, and even fear of it being right. I am so guarded with how I feel, in fact I don't really even let myself feel for fear of it being handed back to me on a porcelain plate. It is also very easy to be caught up in the ins and outs of life because in reality I am one person doing the job of two. So that sure keeps one busy! 

My thoughts have turned to asking the question, "What am I to learn from this experience?" This is something I am still processing but excited at the progress and learning that has taken place in my life. I feel excited about the future. I am grateful for the lessons. I can see so clearly my weaknesses and the things I am hoping to change. A few questions I have been asking myself each day are:

1. Am I the kind of person I would be interested in dating? If not what can I change? 

2. Am I closer today to the Savior than I was yesterday? If not what can I change? 

Looking forward to a future filled with a brightness of hope and no regrets.  

One last regret.....I have been trying to be thrifty and use the food we have in the house in order to rotate it so it doesn't go bad. I found a jar of pickled beets that I thought I would add to our supper. It was a good dinner! I made grilled BBQ chicken, green beans and carrots, sliced oranges, baked beans and the pickled beets. Someone was not happy about it. I learned that not everyone likes pickled beets as much as I do. Even if they are really, really, good ones in a glass jar from Costco. 

XOXO- The Sunny D

Chicken Pot Pie Recipe...Better Late Than Never

I posted this picture online one night because my kids gobbled up this dinner. A lot of my friends and family wanted the recipe. I first should say that my Chicken Pot Pie is very similar in concept to the Chinese dish Chop Suey. This basically means I throw any leftover veggies into it. So here goes...

The great thing about this recipe is it makes enough chicken pot pie filling for two pies. So I bake one and freeze the other half in a Ziploc bag which is ideal for a busy, working, single mom like me. If you have a large family you may need the whole filling. It just depends.

Homemade Pie Crust: I use America's Test Kitchen recipe. It is delicious and turns out EVERY TIME! You can use whatever crust recipe you like the best. We all have our favorite.

When I have time I make my own homemade pie crust. Here is proof! A few pictures I found in the archives and Ellie's Birthday request. She isn't really cake person. This year she wanted a pie.

NOW: Here is the truth, I don't have time for homemade pie crust for a weeknight dinner. This recipe I used half a pie crust I had in my freezer. This recipe I only do a single pie crust. I use any dish to put the filling in. This time happened to be a Pampered Chef 9X9 stone and I just laid the crust on top..in a circle and baked it! I didn't even make it pretty. No one cared they ate the whole thing as you saw in the first photo. 

Pie crusts I have used: 

Pillsbury in the refrigerated section or any similar store brand

Pastry Sheets found in the freezer section by the berries

Biscuit dough dropped in

Or Refrigerated Biscuits

All were yummy crust options. I mean it's a carb, can you go wrong?! 

Filling:

2-3 Chicken breasts 

2 cans Cream of Chicken soup

8-16 oz. Sour Cream

4-6 soft potatoes yellow or red are best (quartered) 

1 onion (diced) 

1 pkg. frozen mixed veggies I like the one that has green beans, corn, carrots, and peas. 

Salt and pepper to taste

***I add any veggies that need to be used up in the fridge. I just toss them in at the end and it is always yummy. I always add fresh chopped/sliced carrots, or chopped celery if I have it. I have added broccoli, or veggies from earlier in the week that I have left over like edemame, green beans, all are good in this recipe. 

I use a large stove top frying pan..you will see why

****Make sure to heat your oven to whatever temperature is needed on your crust recipe..follow baking directions for the crust/biscuit/pastry.

So this recipe I had one grilled chicken breast left over from the night before I chopped that into bite sized pieces and pan cooked two other chicken breasts. I took them out of the pan to cool. 

In the meantime,  boil potatoes and carrots to soft/firm not mushy. 

While the potatoes and carrots boil I add a pat of butter to the pan I cooked the chicken in. ( Because who needs 8 dirty pans!)  I add the onion and celery and cook until transparent. 

Drain potatoes and carrots and chop all three chicken breasts to bite sized pieces. Add chicken, potatoes, carrots to the onion and celery mixture. Add two cans of cream of chicken soup and cook until bubbly. Add frozen veggies and 8 oz. of sour cream or the whole 16oz. tub, salt and pepper to taste. Cook until bubbly again. Add to a pie pan, Pyrex, or any square baker. Top with crust and bake per directions. 

You should have a lot of filling left when it cools pour into a Ziploc bag and freeze for another night. 

Enjoy! 

XOXO-The Sunny D

February 2016 Happy Birthday-Goodbye

February proved to be an interesting month. A month of celebrations, sickness, family, mourning, and love. February 2016 taught me what was really important in this life. I was reminded of the things I should be working for each day, why I am here, and where I am going. More than anything February made me want to be a better version of me. I have been taking time to reflect on what needs to change and trying my best to focus on those things.

My sweet Ellie turned 9. She is like pure, happy, giggling, childhood sunshine and I love her so much. She informed me the night before her birthday that she wanted to have Einstein bagels for breakfast with strawberry cream cheese. After work, I dropped the kids at home and did my best to surprise her for her birthday. I bought some balloons, the bagels, and a little present. We have a "Birthday Deal" in our house. It was the same birthday deal I had as a child. The child can either have a birthday party and invite friends OR I will give them $100 instead and we will celebrate as a family and then go to whatever store they want to spend their money. She picked the $100. I love when they pick the $100. It feels more special to me to be able to spend the day together. It was a  great day.

Free dinner at Joe's BBQ

Ellie started this amazing running program at the school called Girls on the Run. It's pretty amazing and she has been logging about 1 to 1.25 miles every Tuesday and Thursday at practice. Along with that they teach the girls how to love and take care of their bodies. How to deal with emotions in a healthy way. I love so much that she is learning how strong her body is. Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa B who purchased her a new shiny pair of running shoes. I am so proud of her and excited to get to be her running partner in the 5K at the end of the program in April. 

My sweet Grandma Elizabeth Murial Lilas Spence Briggs passed away shortly after Ellie's birthday. Ellie (Elizabeth Rose) is named after this sweet woman who touched my life forever with her love and service. I miss her very much. In fact, this week I opened a cupboard of supplies in my classroom that she had helped me to organize before school started this year and I began to get teary. I quickly wiped my tears away as I had 26 children waiting for me to teach them. Her last few weeks on this earth were a very special and spiritual experience for our family. We all wanted to be near her as much as possible and many nights many of us gathered together to just be with her, sing to her, talk to her, and pray with her. Even when she couldn't talk to us she was surrounded by family and friends. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ that teaches us that we will all be together again after this life. I know she is busy in heaven working, helping, loving in her kind way. I want to live my life in a way that will help me to qualify to be with her and all of my family for I love them so. So, I have been trying to be a better person each day and the type of Mother she was. I am trying to follow in her example and my Mom's too because she in many ways is just like her. Her funeral was on February 13, 2016. 

Grandma's funeral a horseshoe for Grandpa and a Four leaf clover for my Grandma.

On the way home. 

My cousins and I got together for dinner and games after the funeral. How we love each other, Grandma would have been happy. She would have wanted to come too! 

I am so thankful to my family and friends who were SO kind and SO mindful of me and my family. I am thankful for the well wishes and kind thoughts. I didn't have a chance to thank everyone for their kindnesses but I am so grateful. It really helps you to see how much good there is in the world. It had been a very trying month as my children's Father was traveling and were with me nearly the whole time. My heart was tugging for me to be with my Grandma but also juggle everything else in my life and make up for the time I spent there with her. So thank you your love, notes, kindnesses, treats, flowers and cards were very much appreciated. 

XOXO- The Sunny D...... Friendships, Family relationships, How we treat each other....matters.