Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Me.

This is a polycystic ovary. The dark circles are cysts, this is what my ovaries look like. They call this "the string of pearls."

It took almost four years to get a diagnosis. It was 1999 and I had gained thirty pounds in a month. My OB-GYN acted like I was crazy, I knew that I wasn't. He tested me for thyroid issues, when I didn't have any he didn't have any explanations except..go on a diet. I had a brave face on the outside as I smiled and nodded but on the inside my heart was breaking.  I heard it all, calories in/calories out determine weight. I dieted, to no avail. I worked out and nothing helped. My skin broke out worse than a teenager experiencing puberty. I had periods that would last 30 days or more and then I wouldn't have one for months at a time. My ovaries ached and I had headaches. It was awful, people didn't understand.   I was judged, and I was critical of myself. I hired a trainer, and my weight skyrocketed to 198 pounds. I didn't know what to do, I felt ugly, I was depressed and I was exhausted ALL of the time. I had a very painful miscarriage followed by more hormonal shifts. What was happening to me?

2002, I was serving on the Relief Society Presidency in my ward. I was in charge of "Enrichment Night." I had a friend who was an OB that agreed to come and give the women of our ward a lesson on  Women's Health Issues. I remember I was busy setting up, and she had a basket that she passed around for us to put some questions in. If she had time at the end of the class she would answer them. I scribbled some of my symptoms down and forgot about it. 

My symptoms were: Acne, weight gain, irregular periods, and WEIRD mood swings mostly ranging form exhaustion to depression and inability to lose weight and infertility. I had wanted a family badly but couldn't get pregnant after we had been trying for about a year. There was pressure mounting from others, why aren't you guys having kids people would ask. There was pressure from his family to make them some grand babies every time we went over there. I knew they didn't mean anything by it, but I can't tell you how it made me feel. I didn't know what to say because I felt helpless. However, I did just get to the point when people would ask me at church why we hadn't had babies yet I would just say; I am infertile. The truth will set you free. :) I am sure I made a few people feel uncomfortable but oh well..mind your business!! 

At the end of the Enrichment meeting, my OB friend pulled a question out of the basket. It was mine. She read my symptoms aloud and said, "Well this sounds like PCOS." Whoever this is come and see me at the end. It was an answer to my prayers, I felt a wave of peace. 

It was the beginning of a long road of learning what I needed to do to keep my body functioning correctly, there was a lot of trial and error. There were medications that had nasty side effects, and then years of infertility that did not help in my efforts to lose weight. BUT.

Through trial and error, and finding the right doctors I was able to finally control the PCOS beast. I had two beautiful, cherished babies. 

Why am I writing this today you ask. Well as I look in the mirror my skin is broken out, I look like a fifteen year old. I have not had the insurance needed to buy the medication that regulates my body the best. I feel annoyed by the acne because I am 35 for heavens sakes!! This, is the first sign that tells me my hormones are acting up and PCOS is in full swing. Some symptoms of PCOS are thinning hair, infertility, mood swings, depression, facial hair/bodily hair in places it should not be, acne, weight gain, inability to lose weight. Gosh, luckily my hair was thick and I didn't have any growing in extra places!

In 2006 I finally found a doctor that understood PCOS and was in GILBERT. I had previously had to travel to Phoenix which was SUCH a pain! Luckily, with his help we found that a simple medicine could regulate my PCOS with some other healthy changes! All I needed was birth control! I could not believe it, within the first month of being on birth control I lost seven pounds, my skin cleared up and I wasn't moody. I finally began to feel like myself! It was a wonderful miracle. I marvel at modern medicine! As I continued to research I learned about the kind of diet that would be best for my body. I also learned that exercise was KEY to keeping this disease in check. 

Today eating healthful meals and exercise are not an option for me, they are what keep me healthy. I will probably never be a size 2 because I fight this battle but my body works. I am so grateful to know that after my appointment tomorrow I will have the prescription I need. I can't believe after all of those years the fix is so easy! I am also grateful for this trial because it is over, it is manageable! I have had other trails in my life but looking back at this one I learned that they all will eventually come to an end. I have learned that Heavenly Father loves me, life isn't perfect but he will help me with the things that I need to be happy to live his plan for me. Isn't that awesome? Plus, modern medicine is such a miracle it is like magic. PCOS is a inherited disease, I think of my poor female ancestors that suffered through this painful, emotional fight without the aide of modern medicine. How lucky am I? I just feel so blessed.

How To Use Your Patriarchal Blessing

One of my favorite pictures.  I took this in London, an old church all that was left was the rose window. 

I have been thinking a lot about my role as a mother, a teacher, a friend, a sister, a  daughter. Who am I? What is my purpose on this earth and am I living to my potential? Am I doing my best? My children are with their Father this morning. I used to hate being alone on Sundays, they seemed so long and drawn out. I have learned though that being alone is a gift if used properly. I woke up and read the scriptures. I then pulled out my patriarchal blessing. It is typed on fancy paper, it was hand typed when I received it in 1994. The edges are soft and it is creased in the middle, the crease is tearing on one side because of so much use. It is well loved, read and cherished. This morning a few key points stood out to me,pertaining to the questions I had listed above. I know what I am supposed to focus on at this time in my life and that makes me happy. I also felt like I should share this little write up I had done a few years ago for a class, here it is with some added thoughts.

What a Patriarchal Blessing is NOT:

• It is not a fortune teller, it is not to be read like a horoscope telling us what our life will be like, who we will marry, etc. 
• It is sacred and should not be read aloud to others, or in church.
• Just because your blessing doesn't say that you serve a mission, get an MBA, marry in the temple, have children does not mean that those things are not going to happen. 

What a Patriarchal Blessing is:

• It gives the lineage of the recipient (according to the ten tribes of Israel and the Abrahamic Covenant) 
• It is like a window to who we are authentically. Just like the window above it gives us a view of what kind of divine qualities we developed before this life and what to do while we are on this Earth to continue to develop those qualities.
• A blessing is like a road map.It gives us divine direction for our lives, however, this direction and the blessings therein depend on our righteousness. Just like a map if we take a wrong turn we may find our selves in a strange place and lost! If we follow the council given through our patriarchal blessing we can stay on course and avoid getting lost. 
• A blessing gives: instruction, our divine characteristics,and our mission.
• A blessing is ETERNAL, that means that some of the things on it may not happen in this life, they may happen in the eternities. 

Everyone who is a member of the church is entitled to get a patriarchal blessing. EVERYONE. Do not think that you are not: good enough, righteous enough, young enough, old enough. I promise you, you are important to Heavenly Father and he wants to help you in your life. I have found the sweetness in using and applying my blessing and it has been a wonderful experience for me.It will be for you too. 

When I wrote this I was dealing personally with some feelings of inadequacy and failure, it is amazing to me how much I have learned and how many of these lies I do not believe anymore. These are called negative cognition's. Here is a list of Negative Cognition's or LIES we tell ourselves:

Negative (Lies)

I don’t deserve love 

I am a bad person 

I am terrible 

I am worthless (inadequate) 

I am shameful 

I am not lovable 

I am not good enough 

I deserve only bad things

I cannot be trusted 

I cannot trust my judgment 

I cannot succeed 

I am not in control 

I am powerless 

I am weak 

I cannot protect myself 

I am stupid 

I am insignificant (unimportant) 

I am a disappointment 

I deserve to die 

I deserve to be miserable

I cannot get what I want 

I am a failure 

I have to be perfect 

I am permanently damaged 

I am ugly  

I should have done something 

I did something wrong 

I am in danger 

I cannot stand it 

I cannot trust anyone 

I cannot let it out 

I do not deserve 

HOW TO APPLY OUR PATRIARCHAL BLESSINGS TO OUR LIVES

• Look at the negative Cognition's do any of these sound familiar?

What does your patriarchal blessing say about the specific negative thoughts you are telling yourself? Is it the exact opposite?

* Read your blessing and write out key points in your journal, ponder whom you are.

INSTRUCTION: Are some of the topics instruction, like read your scriptures, keep the word of wisdom, attend sacrament meeting and so forth….ask yourself, WHY IS THIS INSTRUCTION IMPORTANT FOR MY SPIRIT? WHY DO I specifically need to do these things? Will it add an increased amount of feeling the spirit? Give you the guidance you need in your daily life. Will it give you the strength you need to fight off the enemy?

CHARACTERISTICS: What are the characteristics of what you were like as a perfect spirit before you came to this earth? This is WHO our blessing is describing..WHO WE WERE in the spirit world and WHAT we need to become while on earth.

MISSION: What is your job to do?

Ask yourself as you read your blessing, WHY did I need to hear this?? And WHY is this important for ME??

* As you do these things I testify to you that you will be able to apply your blessing to your life and gain a greater understanding of who you really are, how much the Lord loves you AND who and what we need to do to become perfected.

 You are an amazing person! Our Heavenly Father loves you so much!

 

The Lunch Date.

The Lunch Date, I love lunch.

I love going out to lunch.

So for this week of Spring Break I went out to lunch EVERY DAY. 

Monday with Ellie, Spanish Sassafrass and Unasian Daddy Long Legs and their darling children. Tuesday with Grandma, Aunt Patti and cousins Monica her cute bambino, and Krystal. Wednesday with my cousin Aubree and her cute three kids. Thursday with my soul sister and her boys and today with Aydan my sweet boy.

I get the "Worst Mom Ever" award.  I told Aydan earlier this week that we were going to go to lunch and which day would he like to go? He picked Friday. Then he said, "Mom make sure you don't forget like the last time."

Whaaaaat? I said. 

He said, yeah Mom remember last year I had a dentist appointment and then you were going to take me to lunch after but you fell asleep and woke up too late. 

Oh MAN. I did NOT remember that. He obviously did. I felt like the worst MOM ever. I promised him he was at the top of my list and I would not forget. 

So.

Today, I got up and got ready. I had a few appointments to go to. I returned home to put on a little make up and then I saw I had a message on my phone from earlier in the morning. It was Aydan. Leaving me a message. That sweet little boy voice came across the receiver, "Moooom. This is Aydan, I am just reminding you about our lunch today and not to forget." (Forget was kind of sing songy)

Wow. I thought. Just wow. I am the worst Mom ever all this little boy needs from me is a little of my time and I realized WAYYY to late that I had let him down. I don't like letting people down. It's not a habit I want. So, I swiped on some lipstick and headed over to the school. 

Elle Belle was hanging on the monkey bars when I pulled up, so I walked up to her and gave her a BIG FUCHSIA kiss. I told her I loved her, and she hung on to me like she was in jail and wanted out for dear life, but happy to now have lipstick on from a kiss from momma. The whistle blew and off she ran. I walked into the office and they called for my boy. He came walking up the stairs with his big gap toothed smile. He was so happy. I said, I got your message. I'm sorry that you were worried that I might forget you.

Yeah. He said. Last year I waited all morning and when you didn't come I was SOOOO disappointed. 

I bet you were, I am sorry sweetheart. It was a rough couple of years but everything is good now. I love you. 

I love you, Mom. 

We went off to have a wonderful lunch together where we discussed what he thought his strengths and weaknesses were. What were some area's he wanted to improve and what kind of goals we could make to help him. 

I guess we are going to disappoint our children sometimes. Sometimes I am a better Mom than others, sometimes I am overwhelmed with being a single Mom and sometimes I am like....I got this! Underneath it all I hope my kids know, and I hope I convey that I love them no matter what. That we all make mistakes but we can do better, and that every day I try my best. 

Commandment Goals

 My "yard" we have worked hard getting rid of weeds and so tonight we had a "FANCY" dinner outside. It was magical, at least my kids thought it was. The truth of the matter is, it was a Costco rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes and asparagus. A few lit candles and a fancy bottle of San Peligrino, we had dinner and conversation under the stars.

Commandment Goals.

We have started a new little thing over here at my house. I call them Commandment Goals. I went to the Stake Relief Society Conference on a Saturday a few weeks ago. I sat through the Mission President's talk TWICE. ( and I took notes) It was that good. It was about preparing your children to serve missions. In this presentation his wife said that one of the things we HAVE to teach our children about is repentance, too many missionaries do not fully understand the repentance process. Here is where she got my attention, she said we have to teach them HOW to APPLY repentance and use the sacrament each week as a tool to teach our children.

Now, when the word APPLY is mentioned I automatically perk up, and if anyone has IDEAS on how to APPLY Gospel Principals with my children I am all ears. As a teacher I KNOW that the BEST way to teach is to actually apply the knowledge. It is like every Sunday with my family and we begin to play a game. My sister tells us HOW to play the game and all the rules, which unfortunately for a learner like me it goes in one ear and out the other. Have you ever wondered why information GOES IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER??? Probably, because the person you are trying to teach is NOT and AUDITORY learner!!! SO, I always say let's just play the game I will learn as I go at our Sunday Evening game fest. 

How does one teach a child the repentance process and use the sacrament each week as a tool? Each week a commandment is picked, our first week I picked love one another because my children were going at it like cats and dogs in the back seat of my Honda. I figured that would be a good one to start with. We discussed what it meant to love one another and then role played what loving one another would sound like. I then talked to them about the sacrament and how the repentance process works and that this week were going to set a goal to love one another. Throughout the week I made sure that I praised them when they were cooperating and being kind. When they were not being kind I asked them, ( In my teacher voice) Are we loving one another? To which Aydan would say, "No Mom." Then Ellie would take the opportunity to sock Aydan in the side. Which would then require some more teaching about what LOVING ONE ANOTHER actually meant. On Sunday, actually in the car on the way to church we talked about the sacrament and how it makes us NEW again just like when we are baptized out sins are washed away. We get to renew our baptismal covenant each week when we take the sacrament and be JUST like we were after we were baptized, cleansed of our sins. I asked the kids to think about any times during the week that they did not love one another. I taught them that during the sacrament was when they could ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness and try to do better next week. This way they learn to APPLY the repentance process.

It has been a wonderful teaching tool.

This week after I got ALL ready for church the whole shabam, makeup hair, cute dress high heels, and a GIANT bag of props for my Sunday School Class. I walked carefully (5 inch heels man, you have to walk carefully) down the stairs. As I did, to my dismay it looked like a nuclear BOMB had gone off in my living room. I was not happy.

Sooooo....on the way to church we set our new Commandment Goal.

How to honor thy mother................

Try this! It is great and so easy, easy to work into your busy daily life but with GRAND benefits!

XOXO

The Sunny D

Envy.

so.
It's almost 11 pm and I am hungry.
I'm noshing on a Chobani, because yogurt is a really good thing to eat it is a slloooow burning carb/protein..especially the Greek yogurt kind. It is delicious. yum. I just had a bite.

I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head. yup. lots.

Today at church we talked about jumping off of so called "cliffs" or leaps of faith. We talked about our fears, what holds us back. It was good and gave me a lot to ponder. Maybe that is why I am so hungry? Too much thinking.

I have fears. We all do. The one thing I have found out that as I move forward with even just a WHISP of faith everything works out. I was telling a friend the other day, she was hanging some fears out to dry as we were talking. She talked and I told her, "You know, Heavenly Father wants you to have ALL the things you want out of life not just a little here and there." I know this is true. So I have all of these what ifs that roll around like marbles in MY brain. Like, what if I never get married again? What if, What if, What if.............then I have to remember who puts those doubts there and I have to move forward with faith.

Can you have courage if there is no fear?

So moving forward I am.

A note about comparing to others, some of my what ifs are tied up in the way I see other people and how I view myself. Self acceptance has been a huge goal that I am personally working on. In really getting acquainted with who I AM authentically and being true to my TRUE self I have learned that I am A-OK. I was recently confronted with a view of my past, except with the maturity and grace of having lived it, worked through it and changed. At first I compared myself, I felt like I was less than. Less than, so and so not as pretty, young, thin.

Then I thought, so what? I am me. I like me. I am tall, and I have freckles on my nose, I have grey eyes like my Grandma, and a witty personality like my Mom. I am smart and funny. I am a good mom. I love to exercise. I am in pretty darn good shape. I know how to LIVE the happy life. The GOOD life.

Then, I compared again and I was a little envious because so and so was getting a lot of new shiny things and going to exotic places. Places I wish I could go to. Have I told you how much I love to travel. SO the exotic trip really got me a teeny tiny bit jealous.

Then I thought, SO WHAT? I have learned. I used to have those things. I had anything I wanted. I was miserable. Lonely. I had the perfect house, the perfect car, kids, I sewed my own perfect curtains, I had a car that actually had "the new car" smell not the one you buy in one of those flip top car smelly cans and hide under the drivers seat. I had the perfect outfits, I had it all. AND YET..... I so DIDN'T.

I did not live the law of sacrifice. There is something beautiful in struggle. There is something so delicious in saving up for something and working so hard to save the pennies it takes to do the things you want to do, and saying NO to things that are not important. It feels good to enjoy simplicity and be happy and let people see that part of you, not the stuff you have. To like you, for you.

So. I stopped the comparison game and I thanked my luckiest stars in heaven that with me what you see is what you get. I am me. I have nothing I have to prove to you, only myself. When I go to bed at night I can sleep, because I am not rich and I don't have a lot of stuff to pay for or worry about. What I do have is a good idea of WHO I AM, what is important and what living the good life really means. The first thing is to move forward with faith, the second is to be kind to others, the third is to put envy aside and just be so thankful for all of the wonderful things you do have. SO here goes: Ten good things

1. A glorious walk with my two darling friends this morning. The crisp air and sunshine on my shoulders and conversation with trusted confidantes.
2. My kids talk about the one year I made green pancakes for breakfast for St. Pats day. In fact they ask for green pancakes all year long! So, green pancakes it was today.
3. Church, I might be weird but I love going to church. It makes me feel happy inside.
4. A good conversation with my kids, telling them I love them and talking about what they learned about Christ at church as we sat around the dinner table and ate a yum dinner.
5. Setting a new goal for the week, Our "Commandment Goal" this week is (are you ready for it) Honor thy Mother...more on this later, maybe tomorrow I'll write it up.
6. A lovely, perfect, 1 hour naparoo.
7. A birthday party at Grandma's for Aydan with our family favorite Baskin Robbbins Ice Cream cake.
8. Playing "Loot" with my family. I love Sunday evenings and playing games with the family.
9. It is official after 30 treatments of radiation my Dad is cancer free, and his kidney is working WELL.
10. I am so grateful that cute boy, you know, the really cute ONE. Asked me on a date for FRIDAY!!!!! ( ok he didn't that is just an affirmation but...I am sure he is going too)

Sigh. The good life.

xoxo the sunny d

My Brutiful Life

 We went to see the Croods today, it was the Premier. Thank you to my sister Morgan who has an AWESOME podcast called the Rotoscopters. You should check her podcast out if you are an animation lover. I love it when she lets us tag along to the movie premiers. I have the best sister ever. It was SO SO SO Funny! What a witty and well crafted story. I laughed through most of it, and I even got teary and cried for a second there. I think Belt was by far my favorite character of all. The story hit home for me, it was about change. Changes are hard, they always have been for me. The Croods had their happy ending, I am still waiting for mine I guess. There are a lot of things I would love to complain about, let's pretend I insert them *here*


We planted a garden today. We also weeded the postage stamp sized side yard. I love having a little yard as a single Mom. It allows a manageable amount of yard work and a quiet place to sit and relax. I love flowers. We planted a variety of practical things like GIANT SIZED PUMPKINS. I know. But you know, I feel like I have to say no to so many things that sometimes when your kids bring you the biggest pumpkin seed packet that only has 4..YES 4 seeds in it you just have to say yes. Is it that big of a deal? Plus it is worth it to see the excitement in their little eyes. Try that sometime, it is a little trick that works wonders instead of saying no...say yes.

 

 Ellie got a hold of my phone...I still have dirt under my nails and embedded into the prints in my fingers.

Ellie picking weeds, I taught her to get them at the ROOT then she noticed some white milky stuff that oozed out of the ends and she came over to show me. She said, "MOM! These weeds look like pimples." I had to take a picture, this girl keeps me on my TOES!


OH. My heart breaks, my babies are not babies they are actually kids. Big, SMART, fun kids. We cleaned house, went to the movie, Home Depot ( see all of our supplies), picked weeds, cleaned and Beautified the side yard, lounged a bit, met my friend and her kids for swimming and a poolside dinner, it was fun to catch up and air out our woes and celebrate our celebrations, then we ran to Basha's for groceries because SATURDAY is a special day its the day we get ready for SUNDAY, we came home and watched our favorite TV show Once Upon A Time together, and then I tucked everyone into bed and did back tickles, checked the emotion thermometer of both of them. They were content and so am I.

Back to changes. There have been a lot of changes in the last few years. I sat with a member of the Stake Presidency to renew my recommend a few Sundays ago. This man knew me well, and was my kind Bishop as I struggled through the final years in my marriage. He said to me, "You know Dior, you are one that I KNOW did EVERYTHING she could do to make it (the marriage) work. You did all you could do." It was a blessing for me to hear this. I wish things were different. I am sure anyone in my shoes would. The prospect of being single in my 30's was scary, being a single Mom and carrying the weight of being the Father and Mother in a family was scary. Starting over was scary. Going back to work with two children who need me, was scary. I was so afraid to go back to work. I thought what am I doing? I love teaching preschool! What is the point of this? It was such a random call I received one day out of the blue. You know though, the unknown for me is ALWAYS scary. Yet as I move forward one shuffling, and unsure step at a time my balance becomes stronger. Things are no longer scary. I am capable, I am strong and as long as I have the PEACE that can only come from a Father in Heaven who loves me, strengthens me, steadies me, I don't have to be afraid of change. I am still not sure why I am back at work, other than I love it so much and to know that change isn't always BAD. There are good changes too. I read an article that said, Life can be brutal and beautiful. It is brutiful.

Aydan my SONshine

My little boy is growing he turned 9 today.

I loved The Andy Griffith show growing up. I am so lucky, I got my very own Opie. Today Aydan turned 9. We had a little shin dig at the skate park with a few friends, pizza and cupcakes. I asked him the other day if he wanted me to get him a special cake or cupcakes? He said," Mom I want you to make cupcakes because yours are the best." I don't know if that is true but I can whip out a pretty mean cake and frosting. So for his birthday I made Reese's Cupcakes. At least that is what I call them. I will add the recipe later.

Let me say a little about this boy. 

It took a really long time to get him here, in fact at the time I was pretty sure I may not have any children at all. After six years of marriage, a successful teaching career, three to four years of fertility treatments and a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome ( a really crappy thing that I refuse to let define me, and is a constant battle) I had surmised that having my own baby may never happen. 

I was driving in my truck. I had a big, black, Ford 150 that I loved. My best friend Heather was sitting next to me, I hadn't been feeling well and due to the polycystic ovaries I had been in to the Doc to have blood drawn. My phone rang I was about to leave to Hawaii for my 5th anniversary the next day. Angie the nurse form the Dr.'s office was on the other line and she said, "Are you ready for this?" YOU are Pregnant. We screamed, Heather screamed and then we cried. It was one of the happiest moments in my life. 

I was forever changed when this little red headed boy entered my world. I became a Mom. I have learned so much from him. He is so loving and kind. He has such a sweet spirit about him and boy is he smart. He doesn't miss a THING, and hasn't since day one. He is such a wonderful brother and he is always concerned about me. I worry that he carries too much of a load on his little shoulders not because I put it there, because that is just him. Do you see those brown eyes, they have melted my heart from day one, do you see how he smiles with his eyes? He has always done that. He loves music and wakes up most days humming, he always has. He loves friends, and books. He loves riding his bike and scooter, he is everything a little boy should be. Boy, I love him. I am the luckiest Mom because I was blessed with this little boy. 

I may have written this but, a few months ago in frustration I plopped on my bed and broke down in tears. It was a pity, my life stinks cry, a good cleansing one. Aydan came into my room as I was hiccuping sobs. He walked over to the bed in concern and rubbed my back with his little hand. He said, "Mom, where does it hurt? Does it hurt in your tummy, or your throat, or your heart?" I immediately stopped crying and smiled because this is a little technique I use with him ALL the time to help him identify what his emotion is and to help him verbalize it to get it out. You see, isn't he just the sweetest?

He wanted to go tot he skate park for his birthday and ride scooters with some friends and cousins, it was super fun!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cupcakes

( I cheated today and just made a chocolate cake mix for the cupcake part..next time I will tell you my chocolate cake recipe)

Peanut Butter Frosting:

1 Cup Creamy Peanut Butter
8 Tbs (1 stick) butter
2 cups confectioners sugar
3-4 Tbs milk
2 tsp pure vanilla extract

Blend Peanut Butter and Butter in Kitchen Aid until creamy/fluffy, Add confectioners sugar, milk and vanilla until combined and fluffy. If it is too stiff add more milk.

Are you an Innie or Outie?

I just finished this book. It was quite good. I have always thought I was an extrovert, however I learned that I am somewhere in the middle of being extroverted and introverted. This book gave me a lot to think about like: How do I stay balanced, What are my goals for life, How do I treat others that may be introverted, How about my children, what are their temperaments? I highly recommend this to anyone, who interacts with people. Which is pretty much everyone.

Some things I learned:

I get overwhelmed by the list of tasks I assign myself, even over Spring Break for instance. I had such a long list of to-do's. I am almost done with one whole week of my break and haven't even cracked the surface of my list, but I am letting myself off the hook. I am not being lazy, instead of telling myself that I didn't get enough done in my day, I count up ten things I DID get done. That is a much happier way to live, because I DO get a lot done.

Like Today: I got up, worked out for an hour, went to the school and worked in my garden for awhile, then I came home and folded about TEN or MORE loads of laundry, made myself a healthy lunch, did dishes, then I was tired so I took a nap, I woke up did more laundry, I ran to the store to get some things for Aydan's 9th  Birthday party tomorrow, I came home..oh I ate chick fil a it was yummy, then I baked cupcakes, I ironed a lot of clothes, Went to Unasian Daddy Long Legs and cleaned out the camper with her from our trip, Oh yeah, I did my budget to find out what bills I had and what I could save, went on a walk, took out the garbage and now I am writing.

Instead of beating myself up because I didn't:

• get my taxes done
• clean out my closet
• sweep and mop the floor
• clean my bathroom
• go through Aydan's clothes to get rid of the too small/worn out ones
• go to the mall to get makeup..I am clean OUT 
• hang the collage pictures up in the hall that have been down since the house was painted

You know, its ok. I did my best today and my best is good enough. 

Also, I started to think about my life and what I want to accomplish in concrete terms. What do I want to accomplish? How do I word what I want to accomplish? How do I make goals that are attainable and in accordance with my temperament? 

What I want out of life a few very rough idea's:

• I would like to have well rounded children, so how do I do this? I need to give them opportunities to be well rounded that fit with their temperaments. I want them to experience and live life and have confidence. I want my children to be happy and successful adults. How do I go about doing this for them? 
• I love, love, love being a teacher but I have a secret desire to get a masters degree in Art History. I would love to teach Art History at a community college. OR I would love to be a counselor, I would love to work with people and help them have joy and to understand who they really are to see how great they really are! 
• I would like to be remarried, I would love to have more babies, or maybe just one more baby. This isn't in my control though so, I guess I will just roll with life for now.
• I want to see more of the world, I love to travel so much.
• I want to accept myself for who I am, and be the happiest best person I can be. (I actually feel pretty good about this one) 
• I would love to play my violin like I used too, I need to start small..almost re-learn it. 
• I would love to take dance lessons, art lessons..painting, pottery I love to learn new things. 
• I am a curious person, so I want to live a life of curiosity learning new things. 
• I want to live a healthy, balanced life.

So, in order to attain these things I think I am going to set a few small goals.

I already go to the gym three times a week and this is good for me, I also go on walks at night with a few close friends in my neighborhood. I feel that if I keep this up I am living a healthy life. I have also discovered how much eating the right foods makes me feel SO MUCH better. So I am working on incorporating a LOT more fruits and veggies into my diet. I am saving money to travel this summer..fingers crossed. I would love to learn how to play tennis.

I want to have my kids take piano lessons, Ellie is in gymnastics right now and loves it. Aydan will be signed up for basketball soon. I think I am going to take them to they symphony or a play soon also. That will be fun.

I guess that's a start, I really enjoyed this book. It helped me to be empathetic to people in general. It also made me think about life and the things I wanted out of it. I gained perspective to the children  I teach and my own children, friends and myself. I learned about limitations we may have because of energy and how important it is to take care of the energy we have. This really rang true for me, and do I take care to create an enviornment where my children can renew their energy. It was great! 

Spring Break: Rocky Point Then and Now

Waiting at the Border, the line was a long one to get into Mexico. I hopped out to take a picture. We were all itching to get to the beach. 


Unasian Daddy Long Legs and I left with her kids Saturday morning to go to the beach. We couldn't wait and counted down the days to get there. My head was swimming with all sorts of information and to do lists for break. This is a key sign for me that I need to STOP. COLLABORATE AND LISTEN. To my body that is, it means I desperately needed a vacation and there is not a better spot for me to unwind than Rocky Point. 

Rocky Point is a short 4 to 4.5 hour drive from my lovely home in Gilbert. A lot of people are very nervous to travel across the border because of the drug wars. I never let drug cartels scare me. Ok, the truth of the matter is this is the 20th year I have ventured down to Rocky Point and I have NEVER had any trouble with anyone. Just wonderful encounters with humble, hardworking men, women and their children trying to make a living. 

Rocky Point 1994 with Aunts and Cousins

Well. Maybe that is not exactly true. 

There was one time when this boy asked me if I wanted to go get a taco with him. I was about 16. I said sure. I actually had a crush on his older brother. In an effort to look really cool and impress me in his parents suburban he peeled out around the corner of the trailer park. Unfortunately, there was a policia sitting right there who pulled him over. 

Rocky Point 1996 Aubree and I

Rocky Point 1997 Cousins: Meghan, Aubree, ( love LOVE the doc's and Socks!! ) Dior a friend of Meggies, Jessica

He was freaking out. I was too. 

Luckily, we were in a big caravan of God and teenage loving Mormons and one of the Mormon Dads saw us promptly ran over, talked to the policia and paid him 20 bucks. Off went the policia, happy with his payoff. The boy, got a short lecture about safety and then we drove off to get our taco's at a taco stand that was about a quarter mile from the RV park soooo.....we could have walked. Oh well. It is a fond memory, It could have turned out differently I guess, but I learned a good lesson. When boys ask you to get a taco say yes. AND as an adult ALWAYS, ALWAYS rescue the troubled teenager. The man that saved this boy and I has passed on but I have this very fond memory of him. 

In fact, this is M&M, ME and the man's daughter who saved us from our terrible plight that taco date afternoon. Her name is Natalie and she is my dear friend. We later served together in Relief Society, I was in the presidency and she was my Enrichment Night leader. What a wonderful woman she is! She was camping with her family in Rocky Point too it is always fun to see her cute family. 

 Here we are detained at the border. Two tired single moms, and 5 KIDS! The picture below is of us at the border fence. That you can see it wind across the mountain and desert terrain separating Mexico and the USA as you drive towards the border.

So, yes there can be some trouble in Rocky Point. There was also the time that Unasian Daddy Long Legs and I got caught at the border for HOURS, HOURS I tell you! But that was at the American Border. It is also a very long story that ended well. 

The bottom line is I love sandy beach. It is where my mind goes to when I picture a calm place. When I was rushed into an emergency c section with a not very understanding husband I endured that surgery by lying on sandy beach in my mind's eye. When I was in the depths of despair in my marriage and went a week without sleep, the only rest I had was when I pictured myself lying on the beach in Rocky Point. The sun warm on my skin, the sound of the waves lulling my anxiety away. The many nights that followed, the fear and sadness, the pain, and now the triumph of sludging through all of that and coming out the other end a better version of me. I wasn't alone though, I always had sandy beach. ( Along with the savior, friends, and family) But, in those quiet times when you don't have anything to fill the silence but your anxiety, despair, and fear I found calm because I could go to the beach. That is why I love Rocky Point. It is the place my spirit has chosen for rest, the place where my heart feels safe, and I can truly enjoy the quiet. 

Worst Field Trip EVER.

Boyce Thompson Arboretum. So beautiful.

The fourth grade TRIED to go on a field trip today.

Tried being the key word. It was the last day before Spring Break and we teachers and students were all excited for our desert adventure. I hadn't been to Boyce Thompson Arboretum since I was in 4th grade myself! I awoke early this morning to pounding on my window,  a heavy rain. I woke up PRAYING, PRAYING that the rain would stop so we could go on our field trip. It didn't. We went anyway.

We arrived to a lull in the down pour however about five minutes into our hike the rain came down in TORRENTS.  My jacket was soaked through and my backpack was so wet that my field trip permission slips were soggy. My class huddled together in a bunch as "Steve" who was a grumpy host lectured us about cacti. The kids were so good. They sat and listened until the other host approached and asked if we anted to go back home and I said a resounding, "YES." Along with my sweet parent volunteers who braved the rain with me! What wonderful kids and parents I have. We walked back to the bus and drove the hour back to school. We missed half a day of school, all of the time was spent sitting on the bus. It was a bummer. Luckily, we can reschedule.

Even though the field trip was a bust, I can't help but be so grateful for the kids who were so patient. The parents who were SERIOUSLY good sports and such a support to me. As we headed back to school I realized I did not have a back up plan, plus it was the day before Spring Break and it was supposed to be a fun one! One of the parents so kindly ran home and grabbed some games and a movie for my class. It ended up being a pretty great day. 

At the close of the day I tidied up my room and headed home. I then promptly flopped on to my glorious bed for a nap! I was exhausted. I will have to go back to Boyce Thompson Arboretum it really is a beautiful place. It would b a really fun place to go on a date, or maybe even take my kids on a little field trip of our own. 

I am supposed to be packing for the beach. I can't wait, this time tomorrow I will be sitting around the fire and talking and laughing with my close friends.  A much anticipated and needed renewal. 

TTFN. The Sunny D

Pot of Gold

My Irish Camo. In Ireland. ( Aydan just told me he can spot me EASILY BECAUSE OF MY SHOES!!!LOLOL..Oh man I love that boy!) 

This is one of my favorite pictures for this time of year. Happy St. Patrick's Day, we have been celebrating the luck of the Irish in my class. Such fun!

I had my class write ways they were "lucky" (actually a lesson in counting their blessings, but they had no clue) I had a list of ten examples on the board of how I was lucky. It was good for me to stop and count up those blessings one by one, I have WAY more than ten!

I've had my cute Grandma on my mind the last few days. A gentle reminder of her, and I awoke this morning with the impression that I should call her, so at my special (prep time) I multi tasked and shoveled the garden as I talked to Grandma. You know, it does not take MUCH to make her happy. She told me about all of the flowers she had planted around her house and how beautiful they were. She is in her nineties and still planting flowers! She thanked ME for writing HER a thank you note for her life history book she compiled and presented each of us for Christmas. 

( Note to all my cousins, send Grandma a note it will make her day and let her know how much we love her, do it NOW..put a stamp on it and have one of your kids run it to the mail box) 

We talked about genealogy, her doctor's appointments, about Grandpa. I told her that I do feel him close by sometimes. I know that he is helping this single Mom, even though I can't see him I feel his strength when I am weak. She said, "well he always did love you." He was so strong, wise and kind in his quiet way. She reminisced," I don't feel him around as much but when I finished my life story, I looked up and I saw his back turned to me, he was wearing one of his old western shirts and blue jeans and he said, "Well, it's about time old girl."As I listened to her I started to cry because that sure does sound like him. I don't know what it is, maybe that as I walk out of my classroom there is a pasture right behind it and a couple of scraggly looking horses. They're not pretty ones like Grandpa used to have, but many a time I will stop and look into that pasture. It will remind me of going to Grandpa's horse pasture in Lehi that happened to be right next to the elementary school there. I feel close to Grandpa when I take a moment to enjoy watching the horses graze, or nudge each other. It is a very peaceful thing for me. I take just a moment to breathe in the spring air, feel the breeze on my skin and the sun on my face. It is such a lovely thing, really a tender mercy for me one that allows a little calm into my day. I am so lucky I have the love of family. I love my sweet Grandma and I made plans to take her to lunch over spring break because I have two glorious weeks off of work!

My Pot of Gold:

My children

Family

The Gospel

A rich supply of loving friends, I am so lucky! My best friend popped in today for a minute and then I went on an invigorating, laughter filled, walk with two very dear ones tonight. AND I get to spend the first FOUR days of Spring Break lounging with them on the beach! Pure Bliss. 

Oh, I love my job. I am making so many friends and I love my work so very much. There is so much to learn. Today I told my kids they couldn't go out to recess unless they did an Irish jig first. It was funny. You see I believe in hard work, but I also believe in having fun too. 

I am lucky because I have figured out the key to stress relief for me, exercise. I had a killer work out this afternoon. 

I am so excited! I have insurance! I have an appointment to have my leg looked at over break. I have had this done before...not totally looking forward to the ultra sound because it makes me nauseous but will be relieved to get this pesky, painful vein out! For $10 versus the $1800 I WAS going to pay!! 

I am thankful for the time I have over spring break I plan on: the beach, Dr. Appts., the temple, lunch with grandma, making strawberry jam, sneaking my kids out for lunch as they will be in school the next week, taking over car pool for my SWEET friend who has been doing it everyday for me!, Cleaning my house, reading delicious novels, cooking delicious foods, exercising, and my personal favorite..naps in my oh so comfy bed. I love my bed, spending time with friends, and celebrating my little boys birthday. Super FUN! 

Isn't life so good? It is sooo good. 

Bliss

3 days.

Then I get to go to my beach. Oh man I can't wait! This beach and I have history, 20 years of it. It is my favorite place in the ENTIRE world. I feel close to heaven here. I am not sure what it is, the sound of the waves the heaviness of the salt in the air. The sunsets, or my favorite thing the belly button shells. I love the simplicity of camping under the stars, the potato taco's, the smell of the ocean and small schools of fish swimming around my ankles, breaking a sweat as I run the familiar shoreline, sand volleyball, the sun sinking into my skin and just when it seems to be to hot, it begins to sink into the horizon. Or maybe the one time Unasain Daddy Long Legs and I were in the bathroom each in our own stalls and the water turned off mid shower...all soaped up and shampoo running down our faces. Oh I chuckle just to think about it! There is also of course my personal favorite Thrifty Ice Cream, Mexican Church on Sunday and Coca Light. I have so many favorite things about Rocky Point I can't even name one. 

Pure BLISS. 

Live Ardently.

I ardently love red poppies.

I am on a mission to bring the word ardently back into regular usage. It is the best word. Especially when Mr. Darcy says it to Elizabeth. 

I don't feel very well. I am tired and emotional. The two go hand in hand. 

So, tonight I came home after a busy day at work. I was observed by my Principal for my yearly review. I am a little nervous, I have tonsillitis and just didn't feel on the top of my game. Everything went fine I just wasn't as bubbly and peppy as I usually am. 

I came home after work to an empty house. I usually go to the gym on Mondays but decided I had better sit it out today, sore throat... even my neck is sore and my feet are getting charlie horses in them it is soo weird?!??

I had my quarterly date with Mr. Darcy tonight. Oh Mr. Darcy. I think Pride and Prejudice is the BEST story ever. EVER. I cry every time. I wonder if there is love like that still. Is there? I mean I know life isn't like that, I know that the story is just that, a STORY but are there snippets? Snippets of ardent living. I hope the romantic in me hasn't been squashed out. I believe in romance...ardently. 

I believe in everyday romance, not I saved your sister and family from a life of ruin and poverty like in P&P romance. I ardently still believe in love. It is the little everyday things that I believe in. Mr. Darcy is the perfect man, and he is that because he is a character written by a woman. However, it is the tenderness in Mr. Darcy that I am looking for, the loyalty, the kindness, the genuine heart. 

So, what does this mean for me? I don't know. It means I love Pride and Prejudice enough to watch it more than four times a year, both versions. I love any good English love story really. It means I hang some days onto thin shreds of hope that love is possible and some days in a firm belief that it is. It means that I am trying everyday to be a woman that loves ardently. A woman that gives love when she is tired to children who want back tickles before bed but she is exhausted from being sick. Or a woman who is patient when her children's Father calls to talk about homework when all she wants to do is sink into a tub, and then have to drive the forgotten homework packet to her child's Father's house so the said child can get it done. I guess loving ardently, living ardently is trying really hard to be RIGHT NOW the kind of person I would want to be loved by. The best version of me that there is so I am ready when it does appear. 

I can't really worry about it too much. I am too busy, and thinking about why it hasn't happened yet, or what is it I am supposed to learn that I haven't yet or why does love have to happen on the Lord's timetable and not mine just makes me more tired and emotional. SO. I will just be living my happy life...ardently. 

XOXO. The Sunny D

Ugh

After Aydan's third grade performance this week. Love this boy.

It has been a good week.

A busy week.

After running kids around all day yesterday from Costco, to Scout Day Camp, to a Birthday Party.. I was starting to feel a little run down.

Then I woke up this morning with Tonsillitis. I went to Urgent Care, got some antibiotics. sigh. I didn't go to church, I didn't want to infect anyone. I like church, I was kind of sad to miss it. 

Not to mention:

My friend told me on Friday night that I looked OLD. I needed to start putting moisturizer on my eyes because I have WRINKLES that I needed to take better care of my face....

I needed primer for my makeup so it would stay on all day and look smoother. 

( This was after a rather long day at work)

Then she told me later on I had horrible posture, and needed to stand up straight and pull my shoulders back.

Oh yeah, that I walked FUNNY because I walk fast everywhere I go. 

AND that I needed to be more GRACEFUL as I walked and take longer, smoother strides so I don't seem like I am in an anxious rush. 

(FYI, people who walk fast live longer. Its a fact.)

We laughed, its all true of course. I wish I cared more about this stuff, I do worry about my wrinkles I am aging and I should take better care of my skin. It is just so hard. WHEN? I put moisturizer on when I remember but that is about it. Oh yeah, but I just use Loreal moisturizer from Wal Mart and apparently that is cheap and not going to do anything for me.  I am a sun lover, and it shows on the crinkles of my eyes. I need to take a moment to take care of these things. My Mom says I just need a good facial and to wear sunscreen. My moisturizer has sunscreen that works right? I then thought, great with all of the other women out there that are single, mormon, blond, super cute bodies etc. etc. etc. spend LOTS of time on making themselves beautiful who is going to want an 35 year OLD, WRINKLY, FAST WALKER with HORRIBLE POSTURE. I mean if you have seen the women that are my age they are beautiful, and you can tell they spend A LOT of time and $$$ to be that way. 

Oh, but wait..............

I am going to MY BEACH on Saturday!!! So who cares right? Spring Break the maker of dreams and wrinkles because I am going to be soaking up the sun on these white legs of mine. 

THAT'S RIGHT. Lets not forget the leg here is my good leg, the one without varicose veins..so let's add that to the list of pretty things. 

All I can say is: IT IS WHAT IT IS. 

XOXO. The Sunny D