Vulnerability Hangover

I have spent five days in Texas doing some intense work and personal growth. You know it is tricky to look inside yourself and also be called on the carpet at times. We were supposed to have roommates and I didn't have one which for my personality is actually perfect. I love alone time! However, the first night that we finished classes and I returned to my room I just sat on my bed and cried and cried. I was so overwhelmed and I was SO tired and I was so so alone. 

BUT. 

Over the next few days I learned to trust others. I opened up my heart. I made friends. I tried to hide my insecurities but they were found out pretty quickly. I listened and learned and practiced good communication habits. I came home with a tool box of strategies to use in my life. I learned that I was so loved and felt so so much love. I let myself have fun, real, stretching out of the comfort zone fun. I worked hard and I came home a better version of me with a vision and goals for the future. 

The program I have just completed is called CHOICES and if you are interested in learning who you are and being SURE of who you are and working out your purpose send me a message and I will point you in the right direction. I am so glad I went. It was exactly what I needed at this point in my life. 

Today my daughter and I did the usual things laundry, grocery shopping, errand running...but I used my tools and we danced in the car to my song. A song given to me to help me along the way. I took a nap because I didn't get back into town until 2 AM. My daughter came in and whispered in my ear...Mom it's 3:30. I had been napping for an hour and I knew she just wanted to spend time with me, she wanted to know if I cared about her. I just had what I like to call a vulnerability hangover from the last five days of work I had done (ha).  We went swimming at my parents house. I picked up my son and the three of us came home and I used a tool to help evaluate our relationship. They felt loved, I felt loved. We set some goals to show each other that we cared about each other. It was lovely. 

My sweet girl

My darling boy.

I feel whole and for the first time in a really long time I can say that I love myself, flaws brokenness, imperfections and all. 

Thank you CHOICES.........XOXO The Sunny D

It's 80% Diet

I'd like to share my sage wisdom with a few tips I've picked up this summer in being healthy, right from my favorite spot on my bed. I mean because nothing feels as good as skinny right? Or what do you want more a bite of dessert or to be skinny? Or I will not feel deprived when I turn down junk food I will feel empowered that I made the healthy choice. Giddy Up! We all know that there are four areas of health: spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial let's explore some of these. 

1. Taco Bell. Something happened to me when I turned forty..I am not sure what it is but I can no longer eat Taco Bell. It makes me sick. I tried. Twice. Both times I was riddled with regret. I will miss you crunch wrap supreme. No Bueno. 
2. Fiber Pills...I have a friend and I am not naming names, but this friend has to take THREE fiber pills with each meal. True story. I have to take probiotics...what is happening?
3. Roller Coasters are Satan's vomit machines. What happened? I used to ride rollercoasters ALL the LIVE LONG DAY. Now, I ride one and the world is spinning for 24 hours. No. Nope. Why would anyone choose to feel like they have the flu on purpose. 
4. Exercise is the same as napping everyday, right? I'm pretty sure it is. 
5. 90 ounces of Diet Coke is the same as drinking water. It's liquid, it's just brown. 
6. If you are an emotional eater like I am and you happen to be going through a tough time, like really tough and you accidentally eat 24 Munchkins (Donut Holes) from Dunkin' Donuts in the Course of a day the best thing to do is HIDE THE EVIDENCE. Naturally.

So a few things have slipped but I have slept...a lot, my house is clean, my credit cards have been paid off, and I am making goals. It is what it is. 

Forty is awesome. XOXO-The Sunny D 

A Different Kind of Adventure

This summer has been a summer of growth. Last summer, was a summer of physical growth. I traveled the world and saw so many beautiful things and places. It was so tiring and so refreshing all at once. This summer my heart and mind have grown exponentially and I have been on a different journey. It has been a lovely treacherous journey. I have been reading a lot. A few of the books I have been reading are:

Escape From Auschwitz by Andrey Pogozhev 

This book reminds me that we must never ever allow this to happen ever again. It was horrifying punctuated with pure acts of compassion and cruelty all in one. 

The Book of Mormon a chapter each morning. One thing you need to know about me is that I want more than anything to do the right thing. The right thing by my family and by my God. It is important for me to try each day to bring my best. Sometimes, there are things that we want but they are not the right thing and that is truly the hardest thing. The hardest thing is to trust and have faith. We don't always know why but when we have the guidance we need there is no other way than to follow it. 

(***Tangent***) People ask me how I can believe in Joseph Smith that there is so much literature against him and his character. The bottom line for me....is why would he submit himself to being chased by mobs, tarred and feathered, his children died because of a mob attack, he was thrown in the cellar of a jail where he couldn't stand up..why. Why would ANYONE submit themselves to that? I can tell you the moment someone tarred and feathered me and people were picking tar off of my burned skin I would be OUT.  The only answer is there was no other way, he saw God and Christ and once you see that or you have that witness how can you possibly ever deny it? You just can't.

And so, I knew there was something that was just not right in my life. Let me tell you, I wanted it to be right but it was not. I knew.  I was reading my scriptures in the middle of this excruciating time I came across this scripture in the moment that I needed it. In Words of Mormon 1:7 it reads: And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will. 

And it was another confirmation to me and I knew what I had to do. Which is hard because I am a person who needs to know the outcome of things. I want to know the beginning, middle, and end. I don't like the unknown. The unknown is this really dark, uncomfortable space for me. It is like walking on a bridge in the dark across a chasm and having to put one foot in front of the other and not seeing where it is you are going and there is suffering. If it was only me who was suffering that is ok I can handle that but it isn't and that is the worst. Really, that is the worst. But I know and I have to do the right thing. 

The Wrestle. It is the wrestle. 

Heidi- by Johanna Spyri I am loving this old classic. In my minds eye I have traveled through the Alps. Heidi is in Austria but I am in Switzerland when I read this story. I am smelling the spicy flowers and pine trees. I am surrounded by the crisp mountain air. I am there in the middle of this story and I highly recommend it. It is a story of redemption. I was reading this book passing the time while I was getting my oil changed. I had walked to Smashburger and ordered a kids meal. As I was reading the book touched my heart so deeply that I began to cry like a weirdo in the middle of Smashburger reading my book. Oh but it is SO LOVLEY and I WISH that everyone would read it. I am going to read it to my class this year. Heidi is like any darling five year old girl full of life and energy. I have decided that I may want to move to the Alm, get a couple of goats and live my life out on the land up there. It is a magical adventure this book. In the least I must go back because also in Switzerland dairy is a food staple so I am sold. When I read Heidi these are the things that I see in my minds eye. I am walking mountain paths and feel the cool crisp air on my skin. It is really truly magical and you just feel close to God in these places. 

AND. Literally, my favorite picture of all time.

The last book I am listening to currently is called Born to Run-by Christopher McDougall so far it is fascinating there is some language but it is a really great tale. I highly recommend it IF you are a runner or a wannabe runner like me. 

XOXO- The Sunny D

Dog Days of Summer

My Mom just found this picture. I am six years old to my right is my cousin Ryan and next to him the girl in the polka dotted shirt I can't quite identify? The baby is my cousin Kyle and we are all standing in the back of my Grandpa's trailer. It is in his garage at the house on Miller. I can see the handle bar of my tricycle at the bottom of the picture. It was red and boy I would ride that thing around the block as fast as my little legs could carry me. 

My childhood was magical. It was filled with cousins, swimming, sleepovers, and popsicles. It was blonde, blonde, hair that turned green from the pool and boredom. It was perfect. I wish for the simplicity of those days. 

This week felt like summer. Aydan was at football camp and then high adventure with the scouts. Ellie and I watched Netflix and swam at a friends in a pool full of kids squirting each other in the face with squeals of delight. It was kids making new friends and that made this Mom heart of mine smile. It was cleaning and errands in the mornings and naps in the afternoon. It was falling asleep babysitting with my newborn niece in my arms.  It was a perfect week. 

I am gobbling up books. One of my favorite pastimes and a luxury I don't often get but am savoring every delicious second of reading. 

It is so hot in Gilbert Arizona I often find myself feeling a bit listless and lacking energy due to the humidity. Even that is a welcome change and the opportunity to just rest. 

I lay in my bed last night and my house was full and so was my heart. My children were home, we had ordered a pizza, and watched a movie on the couch together. I thought as I lay there that my heart might just burst with love for these two children who I adore. I love them so much. They truly are my treasure. 

Tonight we went to my Mom's who is just a gem. She has been working so hard this week cleaning, the never ending tasks that we all have. We were looking through old papers and photos. My Dad grilled brontosaurus ribs outside. (Not really but they were seriously huge that my Mom kept calling them that and I thought it was funny) We had a perfect summer dinner and dessert. I then met with my friends and we went to listen to a speaker who talked about the Lord's timing. It was just what I needed to hear. I loved it and I loved seeing my dear friends. 

I wish everyday could feel like summer. Simple. Happy. Sunny. 

And that is my thought...How do I make the school year feel like this? How do I take away the pressure and feel the peace and rest? 

XOXO- The Sunny D

Summer Shenanigans

This summer has been an interesting one. It has been filled with fun, family, friends, food, the Fourth of July.....basically a lot of F words. 

FOOD

 There is nothing I love more than good, homemade fresh food. There is nothing I dislike more than grocery shopping. One of my ALL time favorite cookbooks in the whole wide world (I know cook books, right?) is called Great Food Fast. I love it because it is separated into sections by seasons. Which makes getting the produce you need easy and cost effective. Each recipe has just a few ingredients I would say five or less, and is yum in the tum. Each recipe is also under 30 minutes to prep. Summer for me means cooking good fresh food. 

Flagstaff

I went to visit a friend of mine in Flagstaff for the weekend. I think my favorite part was feeding the horses. It was peaceful and quiet and I slept like a log. I learned that cows can be territorial. The last picture the cow was starving to death because he kept getting whipped out and not able to eat. We also stopped by this country store that had TONS of freshly baked pies. Yum. 

I've also been working out with friends and sometimes.....it means breaking into the track....

Summer is for Family and the Fourth of July. Every other year my Mom and Dad rent a beach house for us to stay in. It is so fun and we always look forward to it. 

Fire....

I came home last night to the smell of fire. After searching we located a battery that was SO HOT you couldn't hold it. There were little whisps of smoke......all from a battery used for fire alarms. 

So far so good...

XOXO- The Sunny D