Eyebrow Raisers

Maybe I should have put this photo through a filter or something first. I could have wiped out the imperfections but the truth is this is my face. So I have had a few experiences that make me laugh and make me shake my head in wonderment at the same time. Here they are. 

My children and I are listening to the book To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I have not read/listened to this tale since I was a Freshman in Jr. High. My son came home..let me show you my cute son...watch out ladies. 

He came home and told us they were reading this book. It was on my list of books I wanted to read again and so I downloaded it to listen to in the car. We are all completely enthralled. I will say the lessons that escaped me at 14 do not escape me now. The quote about walking around in someone else's skin has always resonated with me. However, there is a lesser known quote that pricked my heart because I feel like it sums up all the things.

" I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 

Chills. This completely sums up dating and being single in your 40's. I am not kidding. I know, I know there is like hope and faith and works. But the bottom line is having the courage to keep showing up even though you know you're probably licked. For me, this is real courage. It is getting up very early to take my kids to school. It is working my fingers to the bone at school everyday. It is coming home to make dinner, try to exercise, try to have friends, try to be an amazing mother, working a second part time job, holding a calling that is difficult and a stake calling, it is trying to attend the temple. I feel like I've been beat, licked, ALL of the time. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. It is the second half of this statement...sometimes you do that keeps me in the arena as Roosevelt says....The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes up short again and again; who spends himself in a worthy cause who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.

You rarely win, but sometimes you do. 

It is about the courage. The courage to show up even when you don't think you can. P.S. If you are a Brene Brown fan watch her Netflix special. There is some language but it is basically all of her books in one hour. 

I have decided to be brave this year. Even though I am tired. Last night, I went to a Mid-Singles Luau. I was entering the arena doing something that is not easy for me to do. Not with the hope of meeting anyone, more with the anticipation of a free dinner catered by Moki's and half naked Polynesian fire dancers and meeting some friends. Here is how it went...

I walked in with my friends, we met some nice people and said hello made our introductions with the customary hand shake. I put on a name tag and then we were shuttled to the food. We found a seat..there was only a row of seats left to sit and no tables. Front row to the fire-show which we all agreed was GREAT. 

I sat down gingerly on the metal church chair since my tailbone is not happy with me and the next thing I know this guy brings a chair over and sits right next to me and then stares but doesn't say anything. In my head I'm thinking....is he checking out this doosie of a period zit I tried so hard to cover up or what? I sort of angle my body to the right boxing him out with my back. Which is a rude move, but it's rude to stare at other people or their zits. Then another friend shows up and sits next to us and we are happily talking, laughing, enjoying the dinner and then the show. When the show is over they very nicely tell us it's time to go home so no flirting..like this is a neighborhood all you old, weird, single people get out of here. So we oblige but first we must say good-bye to our friends. As, I am talking to my friend I notice a few feet away is a man standing looking right at me and wiggling his eyebrows and also standing holding a plate and eating. I assume he has a facial tick and just go on flitting about to my other friends when I notice as I have moved through the crowd he is there AGAIN a few feet a way, I look up and he raises his eyebrows at me. It is now that I lean to my friend and say we need to get out of here stat. We continue to move through the crowd when I am stopped and talking to a friend when eyebrow guy is again before me. 

You rarely win, but sometimes you do runs through my head and I realize that this exact moment is the first half of that quote. So I walk back to my car and head home to tell you about my exciting life where I am so bothered that I am eating Neapolitan Jo-Jo's and I realize this is the reason I am fat. If I quit going to these things I won't have to come home and emotionally shove my fear down with food. 

Horseshoe Bend Obstacle Course Race

If you could for just one moment take a second to focus on that vein in my neck. It is my Incredible Hulk moment. On Good Friday I went on an adventure with one old dear friend and a new friend. We had signed up to run the Horseshoe Bend Obstacle race. I want you to look at the sandy floor. We ran through that..for five miles and obstacles. It was really difficult. However, it was fun and I was happy to be outside in nature. I just kept telling myself this is like RECESS ALL morning!  I was happy to be healthy so that I could run this race. I had been fighting respiratory issues all winter. It was so annoying! I wasn't in the shape I wanted to be in to run this race but I had started to get my cardio program into gear. I had been hiking, running, and biking. This is me being present for me. It is not easy to do. In order for me to show up for myself it has to be a planned, deliberate practice. I have been focusing on this for several months now. This race wasn't a PR a race it was a can I actually finish this race, race. I did. With the help of Laura and Amy and I was happy. 

I can't believe that I had never seen Horseshoe Bend with my own eyes and I am an Arizona Native! It is really beautiful. I kept wishing I had a paddle board so I could go down and swim around in it. I went with Laura and Amy. I was so exhausted I literally slept the whole drive there in the back seat. It was heavenly. 

Note: It costs $10 to get into Horseshoe Bend AND it is probably not a good idea to wear sandals as it is a short hike but quite sandy. 

Racing. 

We ran with this awesome group that Laura is a part of...a whole bunch of super kind Yogi's. One downfall to the race there were some seriously weird obstacles. One was four big tube slides that we had to climb up or run up a hill and then slide down. The last tube was extra long and I shot out of it like a bullet right onto my ample bottom. I am pretty disappointed as I feel like my rump should have saved me but it did not. I have done something pretty painful to my tailbone. It hurts to sit, and then stand up after sitting, or when I am sitting and sneeze its pretty unbearable. It was the one moment where I thought to myself...maybe I am too old for this stuff. Then, I stopped myself and realized that I wasn't too old the thought that I was too old was old. Actually running races like this....keeps me young. 

We had to stop for some PRETTY rings. 

The inside of my shoe after the race....You should have seen what was in my sock. 

It was so nice to have an adventure to look forward to. I find that for me that is important. It keeps me going. Tonight I made some personal physical goals they will not be easy especially with the Arizona heat upon us but I am determined. 

XOXO- The Sunny D

A Perfect Combination

I was riding my bike because riding bikes and Springtime are the perfect combination.....and over my headphones came the lyrics by Colbie Caillat..."Boy we go together like peanuts and Payday and Marley and Regge...and I kind of just started to think about good combinations. 

I thought about my kids and how the three of us together are just like a perfect combination. We aren't perfect, but together we are a really good team and I love them. I love that they love each other so much that they hate each other at times. BUT...that they almost always listen to me, and love me and each other. Ellie had plans with some friends and so I took some precious time with Aydan last weekend. We had SO MUCH FUN. Isn't it awesome when your kids become fun? It is clear that these children are everything to me and I feel such a strong sense of responsibility to do my best in raising them the best way I know how for the next few years. At one time I might have looked at my family and thought with just me at the helm maybe it isn't a perfect combination but I have come to realize that it is. I am a mother and these two are my perfect combination. 

I have had the horrible misfortune of being under the weather for several months and just when it subsides it seems to come back full force. I began to think maybe there was a bigger problem at hand than just being tired and stressed fighting the cold, flu, and then allergies. It has wrecked havoc and my sinuses have been terrible. I know many people have had a hard winter in this respect. Even last weekend I was wiped out for most of it. As this week progressed I felt more like myself and I was so grateful for the return of energy and the fact that I could breathe out of both sides of my nose. Friday after work I decided I needed a work week detox and I headed to my favorite trail at Usuary Pass. Another perfect combination to battle stress...exercising in nature. The flowers were so beautiful and the birds were so happy. I listened to a couple conference talks I had fallen asleep to the week before and it was so lovely. I went home scrambled an egg, had some watermelon and corn for dinner. I hopped into the most amazing bath with Epsom Salts another perfect combination and went to bed completely wiped out yet exquisitely happy from the evening.  It was 8:44 PM and I felt as if there couldn't be anything more delightful or that I could feel any more joy.  

I awoke on my own at 5:45 Saturday morning. I was refreshed and my house was quiet and I did one of my favorite things in the whole world. I just lay there. Luxuriously in my comfortable bed and then I decided that I should get a start on the day. I had been wanting to attend the temple. I made it to the 7am session. I felt so much peace and reassurance. I knew everything that was troubling me would be ok. I knew angels were attending me and I knew who they were. I could feel them there one on my left, and one on my right and one hands on my back supporting me. I could feel their support and I know that in my worries and troubles I am absolutely not alone. We all have an army and we have an army here but I fully believe that we have a spirit army holding us up as well. I think when we pass on and can see the full scope of our lives we will be surprised by just how much support we have while working through this test on Earth. I think Saturdays and the temple are a good combination. I then came home to clean my house and tidy the leaves that had overtaken my front porch and become a slipping hazard. I tidied the back porch and picked up the doggie poops. I watered my plants and again felt joy and marveled at how TWO packets of seeds could make me smile so much. I have tomatoes growing and basil....all I need is some fresh mozzarella and balsamic vinegar. Perfect combinations. I tutored my favorite little student and then had a few errands to run, a car to wash because I think driving and a clean car are a perfect combination. It was Stake Conference this weekend and I think that the Saturday night session is the BEST session. I loved it. I learned so much and I sat among friends. 

One fact I know about myself is that by the weekend I am usually so tired that when my children are at their Dad's I enjoy very much just being alone and tackling the many tasks that need to be accomplished at home. Quiet and home are a perfect combination for me. 

I had a good conversation at conference Saturday night with several friends. I was recently told that I was too good for a man I had been dating. It is interesting. I am either, not good enough or too good, or I am not interested in them. The stars just never seem to align. I am ok with that. I have decided that I don't want to worry about being good enough, or not good enough. I am happy being me and I am working so hard to be a good Mom and provide a good life for my children. I am trying to teach them to be good people and that is not always an easy task in this day and age. Maybe right now the perfect combination for me is the life I am living and taking time to enjoy it. It is finding the balance which can be so tricky to do. It is taking the moments to go on the hike, cook a real meal, sit still in the temple, rest, and when you have energy enjoy your beautiful friends. 

Our part time dog has a lot of anxiety in the car. It is so stressful for him but we have learned that he LOVES to go for bike rides. Instead of picking him up on our weeks in the car we have made it a little Sunday habit to pick him up with our bikes. When my kids are with me we go together and when they are not I go alone. This is a perfect combination and even better with a Diet Coke in the basket. Sunday's are for sunshine, puppies, and bike rides. 

XOXO- The SunnyD