I Wonder How it's Going to be......

So the year was 1997 or so...I have vivid memories of singing Third Eye Blind at the top of my lungs the Suzuki Samurai was packed with nineteen and twenty somethings. It was amazing. I was with my cousin Aubree and my friend Will and his friends. Will would later marry my best friend but I didn't know that at the time. I remember my Aunt Patti saying to Aubree and I excitedly one night, "This is the best time of your lives!" I remember thinking gosh I hope not! But now looking back I know what she means life as it progresses presents an unlimited supply of challenges. To be 19 again. To have someone cook for me, clean for me, and pay the bills! If I had only known the heaps of responsibility coming my way coupled with the heaps of joy only struggle brings. I saw an ad that Third Eye Blind was going on tour with Jimmy Eat World. Jimmy Eat World is a local band that rose to stardom in the 1990's. Somehow, because we all grew up in Mesa, Arizona we were intrinsically tied to the band. 

Oh man and the Third Eye Blind front man Stephan Jenkins was SUCH a hunk! Wasn't he like the epitome of cute guys at the time? I think it only fair that he get to have a Facebook challenge picture. I mean since he is touring and SINCE I pretty much need to see this show I need to know what to look forward to....

Oh dear. OH DEAR. My Aunt Patti was right THIS was the best time of our lives for me, Aubree and apparently Stephan. I mean this guy once dated Charlize Theron! I remember when Patti said that I thought but soon we will get to get married and have babies! Can I give my 19 year old self a little side eye right now? 

I saw that Target has some new mannequins. Does anyone else think mannequins are freaky? Has anyone else seen the Twilight Zone episode in the department store where the mannequins come to life? It's super creepy. The stuff nightmares are made of. Anyway, I have realized from seeing the mannequins at Target that number one the nineties are here to stay as the style is back in full force. Number two, I must applaud Target for having mannequins that look like me. It's like they scream, YES YOU! EVEN YOU can still wear these cool 90's clothes in your 2019 forty-something body. The mannequins are at least a size 10 and I thought...it is about time we got some McDonald's American sized mannequins around here! It was awesome! 

Let normal sized girls in every Target let out a cheer! Including me. Then there was this Target swimsuit ad and the lady in it was like my age and THICK like normal sized and super hot spinning around in a one piece swimsuit looking extra saucy. Heck to the yes. Target take all of my money. Oh, wait......you already do. That dang dollar spot gets me every time with their teaching supplies and now I'll be buying all of my clothing and swimwear there. 

So I think it only fair that I now age shamed Stephan that I age shame myself. I did not participate in the Facebook challenge. But I will make my own 1997 to today challenge. Here goes nothing.

Aubree and I circa 1997 look at her waist!! DANG girl! I am pretty sure my whole outfit is from Old Navy and notice....Birkenstocks. Birkenstocks forever. 

CLEARLY I haven't aged. HA. I love how old people say...age is just a number. I mean it kind of is a number but it kind of is also your age. You know?

So what have I learned by taking a trip down memory lane? I had a great childhood. I always held a firm belief that life would just get better and better. In many ways that is true and in many ways 1997 was a magical time. A time of new found freedom. I have realized that I need to drive more often with the windows down and the music playing. I need to let the sun shine on my skin. I need to revel in the joy of being a woman. That 1997 is still in there packed in my heart and I need to let that girl OUT sometimes. And Birkenstocks for me......will always be in style. 

XOXO- I wonder how it's going to be, when you don't know me. The Sunny D

Twenty-Six Cents

I bet this is going to make you feel really jealous about teaching second grade. The kids each get their own meal worm, which turn into a pupa, and then hatch into a beetle. The kids were laughing at the beetles in their cup...they are mating. They don't know this....as they are second graders. I told them they were playing leap frog and then we let allllll the beetles go outside, during a fire-drill because I had the dish in my hand when the alarm went off and ran outside forgetting that I was holding it. I guess it was a win-win. 

I feel like Christmas Break is a long ago dream, but that can't be right it is still January! Work has been insanely busy and I feel I have put 110% into each day. There have been a lot of deadlines and testing to be scored on top of the usual grades. Do you ever just feel dead inside because you are so busy with work, church, and children? Bone tired. Last night I crashed at 5pm and didn't wake up until 5am this morning. I need an adventure something to look forward to. Tonight I went to yoga and had a cupcake that counts as a little adventure....right? 

So often I feel the weight of my responsibilities they can be heavy and the days are very long. Yesterday, I checked my bank account and guess what the balance was? Twenty-six cents. You know I could look at that and be sad but the truth is I was happy it was still in the positive! You see I have had my children a lot lately and the food bill is crazy! But I love it. I love having my kids here. I wasn't sleeping so well but the kids came home and I settled right down. I love them. The  account balance may seem a little sad but I made a Costco run, the bills are all paid, and I have all the things I need. I think sometimes a twenty six cent balance makes you acutely aware just how much you rely on Heavenly Father for help. For instance, yesterday my tire was low on air. I was scrounging in the car for $1.50 to pay for the air pump to air up my tire. I pulled into QT and guess what? The air was FREE! FREE air! I know that doesn't seem like much but I knew it was a blessing just for me. I worked a full day and then on my way home from school I was worrying about how I was going to pay for Ellie and I to get into Aydan's wrestling match. It is only $8, but as a single mom teacher that adds up every week! I mean twenty-six cents won't cut it. Just as I was worrying about how this was going to work out...Aydan called me and they didn't have anyone in his weight class for him to wrestle! I was sad to not go to see him wrestle he has just really come into his own the last few matches and begun to dominate on the mat. However, I knew it was a little blessing just for me. I ended the day happy for the simple things. I live a good life and I am blessed in my efforts. This morning I had to be in Phoenix for an awards ceremony for one of my sweet students. I entered an essay into a contest and she took second place and a $75 prize. There was a big breakfast celebration at the downtown ASU campus. I was worrying about how Ellie would get to school and THEN I remembered that it was the 6th grade field trip which her Dad had volunteered to go with her and would take her to school with him. Do you see? Everything just works out and it can't just be by chance. There's too many good things and I am not THAT lucky. I am full of gratitude and I am also glad to know that I don't always have to control every single little thing. Things work out. 

That's my twenty-six cents worth! XOXO- The Sunny D

You Win Some, You Lose Some.

Annnnd there is the random Cheetah. 

Last week. I went to bed at 7:30 on Monday night. I was exhausted. Tuesday night I went to the temple and it was lovely. Wednesday night I chewed my nails and watched Aydan cream his opponent in his wrestling match. He needed that win and it was so good to watch him do it. I was a proud Momma. Thursday night I went to dinner with my friend and then spent an hour unwinding at Yin Yoga. Friday my kids babysat at their Dad's house and I went to see Hello Dolly at Gammage. We ate at Cornish Pasty which was tasty...and then met Heather and Tessie at the theater. It was an adorable play and I enjoyed every minute of it. The whole story is about permission to have a second chance. Pretty fitting, right? Saturday we cleaned the corners of the downstairs we moved the couches and vacuumed under the cushions my kids were amazing helpers. 

Anyway, this week started out swimmingly I say that sitting only at the end of Tuesday night. I made fruit and yogurt parfaits for the kids to grab for breakfast. I baked a pan of muffins and a tray of chocolate croissants. I planned this weeks meals and made a delicious dinner Monday night. Balsamic vinegar glazed chicken on the grill and Herbs de Provence roasted veggies with fresh baked biscuits. There was a special FHE for mid-single adults that I wanted to go to but I couldn't shake the feeling that I should stay home with my kids and have FHE with them. So, I did and we had a nice evening. Tonight I had 3/4 of a loaf of Cinnamon bread that I whipped up into French toast for dinner using fresh from the farm organic eggs. In between picking Aydan up from wrestling, getting him a haircut and running kids to mutual. But yet....there is something nagging at the back of my brain. Why can't I shake it? I said I was laying down the swords! Okay, here's the thing. 

I am hosting a small dinner this Sunday at my house for some friends. These friends are lovely and very accomplished every one. I have been to their houses and they are shiny, sparkly and new. I love my house but it has not been the priority. I bought the furniture when I moved in here ten years ago. At the time, it was super cute. The curtains in my house were hung up from my old house and are about 12 years old. My dishes are chipped and so are many of the tiles on my floor. It seems every year the ground gets cold more and more tiles pop and crack. I need to get my carpets cleaned. It bothers me but there isn't really anything I can do about it right now. Honestly, I am still recovering financially from Christmas and having the kids for Christmas break. I know these are dumb things to worry about. I know I am comparing and I need to stop. I know my friends probably won't notice and won't care. I guess I just care and there are things as a woman that I just don't really know how to do. I feel like just keeping on top of the laundry and cleaning is all I can do while working full time and holding a calling at church and trying to mother my children. Then sometimes, I look up and notice these things....sigh. Here is the really dumb thing. I have new curtains. They are sitting on top of my washer. I just haven't had a chance to hang them. You know...you have to iron them and hem them. I did some re-arranging a few years ago but that is about as good as it has gotten here. So, I have been fretting a bit about what people will think of my little homespun home. It is lived in and loved. Maybe if I knock their socks off with an amazing meal no one will even notice my house, or my cracked tiles, or outdated furniture, curtains.....one good thing the paint colors are my favorite. 

I feel tired and I wish sometimes that someone would take care of me so I could take care of all of these other things. I can't believe tomorrow is only Wednesday. 

Currently.

Onward and Upward. Comparison is the thief of joy..blah, blah, blah. 

XOXO- The Sunny D

Just Love Life and it Will Love You Back -Madeline

In a meeting...in a classroom...much of my life is spent here. 

Dear E this is for you,

You have been on my mind since yesterday. Do you ever wish you could re-do time? I wish there were re-do's alllllll the time. First I want to tell you something.....

When I was in college my siblings were in elementary school. One day my Mom asked me to take my brothers and sisters to their book fair that was being held in the school library. It was at the same elementary school I had attended. Whilst there, I ran into my sixth grade teacher. I said hello and said you were my sixth grade teacher and re-introduced myself. I told him I was studying to be a teacher and he just said, OH and shook his head and smiled. He didn't remember me. I didn't really expect him to but the truth is it hurt my heart just a little bit that he didn't. You know? 

Fast Forward. I am now a teacher and have been for what feels like eons. In fact more than 450 children have been through my classroom doors over the years. Also, personally my adult life has been less than easy. In fact there is a great big gaping black hole where I don't remember much from about 2004-2010. I think that is a defense mechanism of sorts that the memory does for a person who has been through a hard time. I guess what I am saying is I feel as if I failed you yesterday. Mostly, I want you to know that you are important and special. I want you to know that once you are mine and your little feet pass through my doorway, you are always mine. You are stamped on my heart, even if....it takes me a moment to pull up the memories. 

A sweet, sweet, kind, dear friend of mine gave me a massage to Massage Envy for Christmas. My neck had been just aching. Stress induced to be sure! I had to use the massage at a specific Massage Envy and called in the week to schedule for Saturday. I figured that would be a nice treat to end he holiday break. I went into the studio happily. I sat and waited and fiddled on my phone in the "quiet room." My massage therapist was a bright blue eyed girl. We shook hands and I walked into the room. As I was on the table she asked me what I did for a living and I said, I am a teacher. There was a pause and I said I teach second grade. She then said.....Have you always taught second grade and I said, No. I had taught fourth grade for a majority of my career and also had an in home preschool at one point. She then said, I think you were my fourth grade teacher. My mind just went blank and I thought maybe this is weird for her to be giving me a massage...it is kind of weird. Except, the massage therapist I go to is a former students Mom. Plus, these are professionals! My mind was scanning ALL the files as I was trying to place her. She then gave me the most lovely gift I have ever been given. She said, You are the reason I wanted to be a teacher. I have two years done toward my degree. My heart beamed with pride. She told me of how I had challenged her to read more and even some pretty difficult books. We shared our love of Harry Potter. She was in my class the year I was pregnant with Aydan. I ended up staying home for the rest of the year after Spring Break. She told me how she was determined to hate the sub because she loved me so much. I can't tell you how much this touched my heart. How much it renewed my energy as a teacher to feel as though I did make a difference to SOMEONE. 

There are times as a teacher that even as hard as I try to do my best and give all of my love I wonder if it really matters? 

It does. I was reminded that IT DOES. 

She told me of how she had excelled in school and then finally as she talked about her brother who I had the year previous all of the memories came flooding back to me. 

And E, you have been on my mind ever since. 

I want you to know that I was so happy to see that you were the warm, kind, sweet, smart girl that you were in fourth grade. That those big blue eyes are just the same and just as beautiful! I want you to know that I thought the world of you then and I still do. I want you to know that you were and are now SMART as a WHIP. I want you to know that when you pursue your degree I will be here if you need a professional opinion on a lesson plan or an assignment. I would be happy to let you pick my brain. I want you to know how proud of you I am! You are an amazing, accomplished, hard working adult. Bravo my girl! 

We talked about the struggles of being a child and growing up with meanies. The rock throwers, the name callers, the putter downers. Don't let them in, let them go, they don't matter anymore. I have found that karma is an interesting thing. Look for the silver linings and the sunshine that is where real happiness lies. Plus, look at just how amazing you are! You are on your way. 

Thank you for your kindness. You are so special and so loved. 

Your Fourth Grade Teacher,

Mrs. Tidwell

XOXO-A Teacher's Heart, The Sunny D

Laying Down the Swords in 2018

Snowboarding...still falling off the ski lift every. single. time. but making it alllllll the way down the hill. 

My story to tell.......laying down the swords. 

Sword One. 

For the first time this Christmas Eve I went out with my ex-husband, his wife, my children and their children to share a Christmas Eve dinner. It has taken me a very long time to get to the point where I could easily do this. However, there was a turning point in my progress this year as a human. I have heard many opinions about this dinner. People think it is weird and some people think it is amazing. The truth is I think we both have just moved on, we are over it. We are too tired for the drama and just want to get on with living our best lives. And don't you think your best life...is having Christmas Eve dinner with your children? I do. And, it was lovely and we all enjoyed each others company and we laughed and talked and ate delicious food together. I have felt the peace of true forgiveness on all sides of the coin and it is sweet. 

Sword Two.

At some point this year I decided that I was pretty and lovable just the way I was. I was tired of fighting the weight battle and youth battle and best wardrobe and shoes battle. I put down the sword and I believed that me as I am is enough. You know what, the minute that I FULLY grasped this truth opportunities opened themselves up to me. Did I become a size 4? Nope. Not even close but I feel good in my body and healthy and strong. Gosh that is the best thing ever to quit beating yourself up about who you are and accepting yourself for who you are and knowing that you are doing your best. 

Sword Three.

I have carried being single and divorced like a scarlet letter on my shoulder for years and years. I have felt the unworthiness of not having the perfect life I had pictured for myself. I have worn a big fat F- in marriage on my forehead and I have been reminded on several occasions of my failure to move forward and progress into another marriage. But let me tell you a secret about me....I needed time. I needed to have opportunities to learn and grow and pick myself up by the bootstraps and to LIVE. I have needed to learn how to create healthy relationships with men and what those look like and feel like. I have learned what I like in dating and for the record I like to feel spoiled. (WHO DOESN'T) I like when an effort is made and I like GOOD conversation. I needed opportunities to open up and practice sharing my feelings and giving my opinions and it being safe! Do you know that sometimes when I am completely honest in the way I feel I am afraid of the backlash I will receive for having feelings? I have been pleasantly surprised that when I share how I feel the ideas are taken into consideration, calmly. SHOCKER to me. I needed to see that and experience that. I needed to learn to trust my gut, because my gut never lies. Ever. I ran into an old friend at a singles activity a few months ago. We were catching up and chatting about dating. I asked this friend how long she had been divorced and she said about two years. She then asked me how long I had been divorced and I said, eight years. I could feel the pity coming from her and she said, "Oh. I don't want that to be me." I wanted to say...I didn't want this to be me either but I sat in a similar conversation a few years into my divorce with a friend who had been divorced for ten years and I had the same sentiment. I didn't want it to be me but here I am. I will have been single for nine years in a few short days. Another, more recent experience I was helping at a singles fireside. I was buttering bread for the panini makers. I was so happily contributing and having fun doing it with friends dotted here and there around me. An old friend walked up and said, "So, you are the last standing gaggle member. All the other gaggles got married." I mean he should have just yelled out across the cultural hall.....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? BIGGEST LOSER EVER RIGHT HERE insert giant neon green arrow appearing right over my head pointing at me buzzing like neon signs do. 

*Gaggle-my group of friends in the singles scene we were always together and therefore named the gaggle. AKA a group of geese. 

I looked at him and thought DUDE, you are here too. I said well what about you? You are a handsome guy and guys have all the power. He did not like that and made some super rude comment that masked his insecurity. My friend overheard his last comment and said...What is wrong with that guy??? 

Who knows. Maybe he is wearing the scarlet letter on his shoulder too. And I then realized that that whole conversation really had nothing to do with me. At all. 

But here's the thing. As I have come into knowing myself more fully than ever before this year I have learned that being single has been a blessing. I have met so many friends. SO MANY. I would have never met all of the wonderful people I know if I had been married! I have traveled! Oh have I traveled and loved every second of it. I have learned how to support myself and live on my own. I am at peace with myself. You know what? It is an amazing place to be my confidence is back and I feel fully like myself again. Not like weird over the top confidence but just the quiet assurance that comes from knowing oneself.  I have realized that being single defines me just as much as my dwarf baby toe does. Not much. It isn't a determining factor to my worthiness for happiness and love. And do you know what? I have had the power all along...it just took me a few years to fully realize it. 

So, what next? XOXO- The Sunny D