Tonight We Play

My friend Carolina invited me to come play with this Christmas Orchestra a few months ago.  I then invited my sister and here we are. Last night was the first performance and tonight is the second. It is a community event and I have been so blessed by playing. I have felt the Christmas spirit so strongly each week as we practiced. The concert was so well done and so many talented people participated. I left feeling so happy my soul was singing with beautiful music. 

I have felt as if I am lacking in my ability to give. I look around my house and it is so messy right now. I remember the time when I would clean and clean so that my house would be ready for Christmas. I would have a whole menu prepared a special family dinner and a Christmas morning breakfast. I don't even have my children Christmas morning this year. Is it sad that I have gotten used to the abnormal as my normal? I have learned to not morn the moments that should be and relish in the moments that are. I have learned that I can give of myself in new ways, ways that are just as good just different. I can play my song of redeeming joy on my violin. I can sit next to my sister and that is a Christmas gift in itself. I can say with my whole heart that I have given all I have this year even if it is just a widows mite and I fall ever so short. Even if my house is a mess, there is laundry to do, dishes in the sink, presents still to be bought, and no fancy meals planned or executed. Today, one day after school let out I woke up late because I am ever so tired and got a few gifts. I bought groceries for the next week. I wanted to clean and get a few more presents but my energy was spent and so I sat down and took a quick one hour nap. I am now dressed for the concert happy to be a part of something bigger than me. 

Tonight we play! XOXO- The Sunny D

Sickie Bickie but Very Merry

I love these two kiddies of mine. Ellie has been so sick the last ten days. She has had the flu and then has had this horrible break out of sores all over her tongue and throat. She hasn't been able to eat any thing and has lost six pounds. My poor baby. Her Dad took her to the doctor on Monday and then I took her Friday because I was so nervous about her not getting better. We have had a long weekend of staying at home and I think it was JUST what the doctor ordered for Ellie. I was able to catch up on laundry, cleaning the house although you can't tell now, I wrapped all of our presents, and even made cookies. I am sad though....the food coloring was all natural. It was all that was left at Fry's and the red looks like they used beets and turned out purple and the green looks like they used Kale. I'm not against Kale or Beets. I love both of them. I just don't want my sugar cookies looking like vegetables only artificial goodness for us when it comes to icing. 

 Beet icing. 

Aydan is so sweet and has been a huge help around the house. He is a happy helper and I love that about him. He has helped make his sister drinks and brought them to her and I love that. On Saturday he went to a service project with our ward and had a great time. I love these happy moments. 

You know you would think at 41 I would be free of acne problems. But no. I am not sure if it was stress or hormones or both but I broke out with this ugly zit on my chin. I mean there is NO hiding this thing. Like there is just no point. Why do I feel like the only old person with hormonal zits?! I am sure I am not alone. So tonight after being holed up in the house for the majority of the weekend the kids and I walked over to our neighborhoods golf cart parade. We didn't stop to socialize but got a cup of hot cocoa, enjoyed the parade for a minute and then stopped to take a picture next to the fake snow. In the first picture I took I said, OH my gosh, this zit?!? And then Aydan said, I'll just cover it for you Mom. Here is the progression of pictures. 

Which ended up with us laughing our heads off. I love these kids of mine. To me they are the funniest, funnest people. I love being with them. Today we found this show on Netflix that I highly recommend called 100% Hotter. We could not pull ourselves away from it and all of our pseudo english accents came out. 

I love us. 

XOXO-The Sunny D

Holiyay!

Does anyone else feel like his right now? 

I think the best thing I ever did several years ago was let go of the expectations I had of myself during the holidays. The expectation I had to send out the perfect Christmas card, bake the best treats for the neighbors,  and keep it slim and glamorous every single day. 

The truth is for four years in a row I took treats to my neighbors and none of them even came out to say hello. In fact, one of my neighbors refused the delicious mini cheesecake tarts I had made because she was lactose intolerant. Huh?! I stood at her doorstep pulling my offering of neighborliness back thinking just take the stupid cheesecakes and throw them away instead of making us both feel dumb. However, I took them back home where they were happily gobbled by my children. Those were in the baking days. The presents were purchased in September and wrapped a few days after the tree was up days. Now days.........

Now I read this and my heart is literally jumping up and down screaming, YES! So MANY YESSES! Throw in single Mom........all I am asking is that you add all the single Mom's and Dad's you know in your prayers. 

This year we don't even get out of school until December 21st. How is any teacher supposed to get anything done for Christmas? The silver lining is Christmas will be here and then I will have a long glorious break not worrying about all of the stuff I "should" be doing for Christmas. 

Plug for teachers everywhere....I saw this post on Facebook someone was selling cleaning supplies and old Bath and Body Works stuff and V05 hair shampoo with the title..... GREAT FOR TEACHERS. No. No, your old crap you are trying to hustle is NOT great for teachers. Please do not buy some expired toiletries for your child's teacher or i.e. ME. It will go into the white elephant gift exchange my family has the Sunday before Christmas. Here is the truth...I am going to make it so easy on you right now. All any teacher wants is a gift card so she can purchase the supplies she needs for classroom art at your local Wal-Mart, Target, Michaels, Hobby Lobby, etc. I mean $5 to one of those places is so appreciated. I literally JUST spent $25 of my own money so my class could make parents an ornament parent gift AND that was so cheap because I already had some of the supplies on hand. I personally always by a gift card for my children's teacher to some new fun restaurant OR something I know they actually want. If you are tight on money this year....have your child write us a note, tell us we are the best teacher they have ever had and how much they love coming to school. That makes us all really happy OR you know a new pencil sharpener from Costco the iPoint ones. Those are the best and about $25 each and I burn through at least TWO of those a year and pay for them out of my pocket. You could ask your child's teacher what she needs and when she tells you buy the thing she asks for. If she asks for Ticonderoga pencils....don't buy the crummy cheap #2 yellow pencils because THOSE are what break her $25 pencil sharpener for some reason. WE AREN'T BEING HIGH MAINTENANCE with that pencil request or any other brand name request. I promise. 

So this year I am not......

• baking for the neighbors...sorry. I will give some Bath and Body hand soap to the ones I like. 
• Sending out Christmas cards...sorry...I never got it together enough to have a cute family picture this year...the outfits and scheduling it seemed so daunting and the totally DUMB thing about this is my children's Bonus Mom is literally this fantastic photographer and she was going to take my photos for FREE. BUT I just could not get it together it has been SO busy. 
• going overboard on presents
• worrying that the only present I have under my tree is wrapped only because they offered free wrapping at the store that day. 
• Fretting about the fact that I wanted to buy a new artificial tree but couldn't swing it financially this year.
• Fretting that the whole mid section of lights on my tree are out
• Fretting about the fact that my once little white Christmas tree is now brown from all of the dust of living in the desert. 
• Worrying about the fact that I am not thin OR glamorous right now. I am on the survival mode fast track, and that is OK. 
• I am not buying any extra presents that I wish I could buy for my bosses and all of the secretaries and our grade level aide..this one is actually eating me up inside quite a bit but it is just not in the budget. 

This year I am.....

• Spending time with my children reading stories about the Savior
• We attended our ward Christmas party which was lovely and so uplifting
• Listening to Christmas music
• The Elf on the Shelf did not come out at my house but IS out at school 
• baking sugar cookies and icing them with my kiddos next weekend...it isn't the myriad of treats but sugar cookies are a family favorite
• Enjoying the Christmas lights going up around the neighborhood
• playing my violin in an Orchestra which is something just for me and I really love it, sometimes the commitment feels difficult but it also feels really good to use and share my little rusty talent
• Happy

I may not be a glam as I'd like to be but yesterday I attended a primal yoga class. It was SO FUN and I am sore today! After the class in my greasy three day old hair and sweaty yoga pants I walked with my friends to a restaurant across the way. I was buying some chips and guac for my lunch when the lady asked me if I had worked out at yoga and I said yes with a smile. She then gave me a discount on my food. I turned around and told my friends that they got a discount for going to the yoga class and to tell her. I sat down and a little bit later my friends came over and told me only I got the discount because she thought I had WORKED at the studio as an instructor. It was the best moment of my life being confused for a yoga instructor. Merry Christmas to me. 

I am trying to simplify. I am trying to squelch the twitch in my eye that has been here for two weeks or the chest pains caused by 15 hour days of trying to be the best teacher I can be and also the best Mom I can be. I am trying to keep up on laundry I am currently in the middle of ten loads that need to be done. I am trying to keep a clean house, take care of sick children, work, attend school functions without losing my mind. I am trying to remember why we celebrate this special time of year by sharing my testimony in my calling and doing it the best I can. I am trying to serve others in the small ways I can this year by giving of my time, of myself. I know that isn't much but it is all I have. 

The holidays are upon us....did I tell you I am a yoga instructor?!? 

XOXO-The Sunny D

Deep Thoughts.....by Dior Tidwell

I'll treat this blog post like a report card and use the sandwich method. In a report card comment you always start with a positive and then sandwich in there a negative or goal that needs to be worked on and finish up with a positive. 

This picture just warms my heart so much. One of my students asked me if our class had an "Elf on the Shelf." I said, sometimes we do and sometimes we don't I guess it just depends on how many kids believe in magic. I told this student that maybe he should write her a letter and invite her to come. (wink, wink. reinforcing those friendly letter lessons) He said, I am going to go home tonight and write a letter. You know what? He did! So, I put that little letter on the board and without even suggesting it...the letters started coming in and every time... I would just put it on the white board with a magnet. Soon the whole class had written Snowflake (my elf on the shelf) a letter. You know what else...Snowflake wrote a letter back explaining she was on a secret mission scoping out the Grinch and would report as soon as her secret mission was accomplished. Oh man did they just LOVE that. So, Snowflake will make her grand appearance on Monday. In my own small way I hope that I reinforced the principal of faith. Things that are hoped for and not seen. I love this little class of mine and their pure tender hearts. 

You know you hear stories, you know the stories. Stories of people who are not kind to each other. Stories of people treating each other cruelly. My heart has weighed heavy with such a story. A story I saw and one that brought up some of my own stories and when talking to a close friend about it made her all of a sudden have the need to go get some pancakes and I found myself snapping at my children on Saturday. A story that hits so close to home it bubbles up in your heart and stirs the trauma a bit even though the trauma is not yours to hold, or endure anymore. It is empathy and your tears for those who are living the story, a story you once lived too are healing and you want to help in any way you can. And there are questions I have like, How much will you allow yourself to endure? And, If you have done all you are capable of doing and there is not change...what then? And, Why does it have to get ugly? Why can't we just love each other even if we don't really get a long can't there be some level of kindness? Does this even make any sense? Can you tell this is the middle of the sandwich of my post? Why are people so selfish? Does true, kind, honest, enduring love exist anymore? 

My daughter wants a hydroflask for Christmas so I found one on sale and we headed to the store so she could pick out exactly the one she wanted. On the way to the store I found myself listening to some of my go to brokenness songs. I sang Nothingman out loud three times. My kids hopefully didn't pick up on my heartache of the story I had heard. I sang the lyrics, She dreams in color she dreams in red (Better Man, Pearl Jam) and  Caught a bolt of lightning cursed the day he let it go.....She once believed in every story he had to tell, one day she stiffened...took the other side....Empty stares from each corner of a shared prison cell, one just escapes, one's left inside the well....And he who forgets, will be destined to remember...(Nothing Man, Pearl Jam) 

Today I sang. Little Black Dress by Sarah Barielles she sings 

Okay, 

I can see it now it's all the same thing

Just different wrapping around it 

No need

To soften your words

They're still gonna hurt

So don't pull punches

I tried, to be everything you'd ever want and sometimes 

I even stood on my heart and stomped now I'm

Finally alone and dressed for the show

But going nowhere

They don't need to see me crying

I'll get my little black dress on

And if I put on may favorite song

I'm gonna dance until you're all gone

I'll get my little black dress on

And so what I love is the power that we have in choosing how to react to our circumstances and our stories. We can get up and put our own LBD on and dance. WE HAVE THAT POWER. I do and you do. To my friends out there who are in the middle of the hurricane and their own stories that make you want to suddenly eat pancakes. I love you. My heart aches for you. And I want to tell you there is life on the other side and it isn't the same nor is it what you planned and sometimes the timing of what you think should be and what reality is does not match up but that is ok. Everything will work out it is time to be happy. 

Have you ever sat with someone and had them look at you with such attention and focus it is hard to keep the gaze? It is uncomfortable and yet like a starting contest of who will look away first. Or you know the first time your hand is held and how sweet that is. Or when you feel the emotional connection take root because of true care and kindness.You know when you also really see someone, all of their good stuff and it just makes you smile. It is comfortable and safe and transparent and real. Those are the good things and because you have been in a place that is so dark and ugly when these other experiences come that are so full of love and kindness you truly appreciate them. I wish every couple I know would sit at a nice dinner and hold hands and look intently into each others eyes just like you are trying to figure out for the first time what color their eyes really are. Connect. Be present. Love. I think we all need that and we get so busy in our lives we don't do that. But isn't it lovely when we do? 

XOXO- The Sunny D... a little of this and that...