One Love, One Life, One Girl with Irish Eyes

The "old" cemetery in Ireland, I went to check it out to see if I could find any "Spence" ancestral names. As you can see...The headstones were hard to read, in fact you couldn't read them at all AND it was not old...but ancient might be a better adjective. The cemetery sat next to the river and could have been the perfect backdrop for any horror flick, but the feeling there was one of calm peace. I found my ONE and ONLY four leaf clover in Ireland here.

My Irish Eye's Were Smiling. 

I came home to talk to Grandma about the cemetery, "Oh yes, she stated. Mom said that they would have one plot for a whole family and when someone died they would just dig up one spot and put the next body in, she went on to say...it wasn't uncommon to see a flash of red hair in the grave as they lowered the next body in."

Hmm, I wonder if this could possibly be an Irish folktale, or if it is real? You see, Grandma also said to me as we were driving one day..I was maybe three or four, you know how people lose one shoe and can never find it? I said, "yes", (obediently, as Grandma WAS ALWAYS right) . She pointed to the large blue water tower and said well that is where they keep all those lost shoes, up there in the water tower.

It made perfect sense to me. 

I was working in my classroom after school today and One Love by U2 came on Pandora. I sang along as usual, harmonizing badly. I even opened my classroom door for all lucky a passerby to hear. ha. I was transported in my minds eye back to high school when U2 was probably my MOST FAVORITE band. I remember sitting in the basement of a friends house, the girls all gathered around the coffee table on the couches and the boys were playing pool. Achtung Baby was playing on the CD player. I was trying to look cool and cute with out looking too cool and cute, you know? One love came on over the stereo, I quickly glanced to my right to see my friend crying she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I comforted her and thought, now THIS is why I DO NOT have a boyfriend. 

This song played over and over throughout high school, as we drove for hours Friday nights.

As I got ready for dances and school in the mornings. We would sing every song word for word and dreamed of meeting Bono in person. 

Then, my dreams came true. For a graduation present my Dad bought me and my cousin Aubree the HOTTEST ticket in town, ON THE FLOOR seating for two to U2's Pop Tour. Rage Against the Machine opened for them and it was night we waited for in anticipation. It was the BEST night of my life thus far. We watched in awe as Bono strutted down the ASU football field an ARMS length from where we sat...if we could ONLY reach out and touch him. The Edge followed, it was dreamy. We sang our hearts out and met some cute boys. It was pretty much the best night ever.

U2 is one of those iconic bands, their melody's poetry, timeless ballads that pierce your heart, layered with understanding as you grow older, learn more, see more. 

They came to town again, and my then husband bought me tickets for my birthday. They were good seats and The Black Eyed Peas opened for them. I don't remember a whole lot about it. I just know that the whole event, the concert seemed lackluster from all of the concerts I had attended in the past. You see, I love a great concert any kind the symphony to grunge. This one however, was the last. The last one I went to as a married woman and for some reason, after that concert I put away U2. I couldn't listen to their songs because I knew every song and the words were too real, some of them I was living right at that moment. In fact, I even stopped singing. I sang all the time when I was happy. Music lost its joy for me, the music in me had died. 

Today as I was singing along to One Love, happily engaged in my work I realized the beauty of the moment. It wasn't but a few hours earlier in talking to a friend outside my door, the sun shining on my face I had tilted my ear to the big tree and pointed out how much I loved hearing the birds sing. I realized in that moment this little song bird got her songs back. The music is born again, and so I added a U2 station to my Pandora list. 

I don't think there could be a better thing to do today. To prepare for the first day of March, a month of greenery, luck, and Irish song. I think Bono's Irish Eye's probably smiled for me today, along with mine. 

Elder Burt

This was SEVERAL years ago, I think Aydan was in 1st grade. This post is about my brother Marshall, can you spot him???

I'll give you a hint...

He is currently serving a service mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am so proud of him and the person he is. The example he is to my children and I. Tomorrow is his birthday, he will be 21. I guess I just want to say that I love him and can't wait until he comes home safely. He is my youngest brother. Before he was in school, I would pick him up a lot from preschool and we would hang. I took him to get a slurpee everyday, he was the sweetest little boy. 

I love my brothers. 

I should write about Steve he is just the best brother a girl could have. My technology guru, even though half the time I know he wants to roll his eyes at me, he never does. He happily comes to help at a moments notice. What luck I have!

SO I just want to say Feliz Cumpleanos to mi guapo hermao Elder Burt!

I love you!

My Busy Bee's

Pound that Double Double Ms. T

Ms. T's busy bees. We have had a bee epidemic in our classroom the last two days. Holy Moly. My kids say they love my classroom because we are the busy bee's they just want to fit in somewhere. That is until I use my hot pink Birkentstock from London to smack those bee's to the wall. I feel bad because one of my children has been taught about reincarnation. shoot.  

 I just have to brag. A little..... because I am SO proud of my cute class. They MASTERED 0-12 of their multiplication facts. EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. So of course we had to get LUNCH at IN-N-Out. It was delicious, and I only ate about 1/3 of that double double..should've had them make it protein style. One thing every adult should learn, NEVER put limits on kids. Never tell them what they can't do, rather what they can and when you do that..they will.

Stealing Kisses and Greasy Pick Up Lines

I had a conversation the other day with a dear friend.

 I have had several that have made me really think about some things, one thing is kissing. I feel like kissing after a date is an expectation, the first date that is. I am old fashioned. I am not going to kiss a boy on the first date. I'm just not. I have been surprised by several kisses on the fist date when the boys just go for it.

That tells me a lot about a person.

Can this person wait for things? Are they patient, or do they take what they want. I then have the boys I have gone out with that will ask first, and I like that. I am honest and I will say no, not yet. Then depending on how I feel about them they will get a handshake OR a HUG. Handshake=never going to kiss you but may hug you someday, Hug= good chance I will kiss you in two more dates. These men usually turn into some of my really good friends. You see to me, a kiss is not just a kiss. That is the norm it seems and I think that must make me a weirdo, looked at like I am a prude.

That is just fine.
Kisses still mean something to me.

I don't just give them away to anyone who wants them. They are not a gross sensual thing to do that has been portrayed by the media. If I kiss you, it is because I want a connection with you and you're special to me. I have always been this way, it must just be a part of my DNA. I also feel that even if  I am not sure about a man, after three "dates" I will let him kiss me and then I can tell if I have feelings or not. After three dates the poor guy has pretty much earned it right? ( the term date is used loosely here, a date can be just a nice walk around the neighborhood to me, it doesn't have to be the whole dinner and a movie thing)

Men like this are not always easy to find, the ones that feel the same way about kisses as I do. That is okay though, because I have FAITH that there are a few good men still out there.

Two separate but interesting experiences with men yesterday:

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE PICK UP CALLING: 
I went to my favorite store Last Chance. I found some great bargains! I got THE cutest dress for $7! I spent about a hundred bucks and got Aydan a tie, shorts, Ellie TWO outfits, I got two dresses, some leggings, a few blouses and a pair of chino's for work. Not too shabby!

While I was there I ran into my best cousin, we all love LC and I generally run into one family member or another. There was a man there and she said, watch out for that guy he is picking up on everyone. Sure enough, as she was helping me look through the shirts he greasily strolls over and begins to talk to her. Behind the stack of shirts laid over our wrists she pokes me in the side. A hidden nudge of the foot or poke in the side is by another woman is an indicator of OH MY GOODNESS!! I TOLD YOU SO!) He starts chatting us up, (she is married) and I hold a blouse up to show Aubree, when he slithers, "That color would be just beautiful on you." I smile, thanks as I looked sideways unsure of how to respond. Aubree chirps, "So how many  numbers have you gotten today?" and he said several. He focuses his attention on me and we are talking about the different groups that shop at LC. ( the ones that are getting kicked out and told to get a "hobby" ha. ha.) There is the Mexican Mafia purse group, the Asian group,  the Russian group, the Dress Hoarder girls and the Mormon group. He shares a few of his pick up artist methods how the last two days as he is visiting from out of town. He then points out that is what he was doing when he complimented my blue shirt. ( I wanted to say..REALLY? I had NO idea? OH BROTHER.) To which I replied in crimson face fashion, I am in the Mormon group. He gives me another slimy compliment and makes fun of the fact that I am blushing.  Bam! He knows I am Mormon, not going to sleep with him and his interest immediately lost and my intention accomplished.

Who looks to pick up women at LC? I am there to shop dude, leave me alone.

COOL CUCUMBER DATE:
 I have the most darling friend, I just adore him. He took me to dinner and a movie last night. We talked about who we had little crushes on. I think it is amazing that I even have a little crush. I don't have them very often. Anyway, I gave him a challenge with his new crush. They have been on one date and have one set up for next Friday. I told him he had to wait 7 dates to kiss her. He was freaking out, but it is imperative for this boy to SLOW DOWN, because I know him and I want him to find love. He is a great guy. One of my dearest friends.

So back to kissing, kissing shows love. It isn't gross, it is lovely and wonderful when you find the right person to kiss but kissing can lose its significance if used too much. I don't want to take kissing for granted.

My favorite boy to kiss.....this is three years ago when he was a Kindergartner. Oh that boy! I love him so!!

This is another one I love to kiss...look at those squishy lips she has. Love HER!!

My point here exactly, kisses show love. When I kiss my children it is because I love them so. It is not what media has TURNED kissing into. It isn't sexual, it is EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. Unfortunately, media has tricked people into thinking being sexual IS emotional connection and that is not always the truth. Being intimate and connecting emotionally has MANY faces. 

The Volunteer.

I have a lot on my mind. Nothing is stressful or pressing, just sorting out life stuff you know, lots of thinking and analyzing my world. I like to go for a run, it helps me sort stuff out. I secretly love my really tight Under Armour pants too. Not because I look like hot stuff in them (quite the contrary) but because they feel like a hug on my legs. See older posts..reference..varicose veins. ha.

As I was about ready to begin I spied something with my little eye that brought joy to this heart of mine.

The Volunteer. (Swiss chard)

A volunteer plant is one that "self plants" from a previous crop, whether by the wind carrying the seed, a bird or any number of things. They are very desirable, I have always been taught that they are more hearty, stronger, better, and to be cared for. I have always loved a little volunteer plant. I don't know why. I can remember my Grandma pointing them out and then my Mom as a child and I can remember pieces of the discussion that went along with noticing these special little plants.

The Volunteer

By The Sunny D

A single seed unawares of its plight,

is carried by the wind on cool winter night

 It notices its diverging from its nice neat row,

landing in sea of weeds, without soft earth below

The journey it thought must have been the trip, 

upon arrival however, it sees the task

So the seed hunkers down and gets to work

it digs its own hole in that hard dirt,

With the help of soft rain and the gentle sun

the volunteer grows sure and strong

It struggles and fights for its spot in the garden

This difficult path the other seeds haven't trodden! 

Yet through the struggle, this little seed grows, it is healthy, hearty and strong

the battle waged, just for survival, has helped it become 

what it was always meant to be

And so you see

 it is with us,

Our lives sometimes get stirred up with dust, the wind may carry us

to paths unknown

The battle, the struggle of making it on our own

our character tested in a territory uncharted

Leads us to be steady, able, and sure

We blossom in that spot that was so hard for us,

 through work, faith, and a little trust.

Sisters. A Boy's View and Mine Too.

A day without freckles is like a night without stars.....

I love this boy. We had a conversation last night about sisters. Aydan said, he sometimes wished he could be an only child and not have to deal with sisters. I told him he probably felt like that right now, but when he got older he would be glad he has a sister. I told him he was lucky because he would never be lonely. He couldn't really see my side of things yet. I guess at 8 going on 9 sisters are pretty much a pain. 

When I was his age though, all I could ever dream about was being a sister. Finally, after my long 9 year wait, Mom had a baby girl. My sister. Oh how I loved her, and was so jealous of her at the same time. I wasn't always the best sister, I teased...just like my son in this picture...and the one below Aydan and Ellie look like they are hugging, the truth is he was trying to choke her. 

Aren't they they cutest? Do you see the mischievousness in his eyes... What would I ever do without these two? Aydan said, Mom you are the best Mom and he held my hand as we were talking. I replied, You know you are just the perfect son..my sonshine. Heavenly Father knew just what he was doing when he made you mine. 

 And. It's true. This little boy can melt my heart in a second. He just has to look at me with that jack-o-lantern smile and chocolate chip eyes. He will often say, "Mom, is there anything I can do for you? What can I help with, what do you need done?" I would love to say this is due to my great parenting skills. The truth of the matter is this is just my Ader*tater. He has such a sweetness about him. Having him close by brings a sense of calm to me. I am grateful for this little Lego loving boy.  I am grateful for sisters too. I have one. One beautiful sister.

Isn't she? She is, inside and out. I am so lucky. Jared her cute husband is pretty lucky too, well they both are! I love my sister and her new hubster. I am excited to help her they JUST bought their first house AND I get to help her decorate!.....and unpack...but decorating is so much more fun!

A cabin trip with the book club girls MANY years ago.....

This is another group of women I will call my sisters. We have been in the same book club for a decade. I just got back from our monthly meeting of the "minds." I love these girls. I don't think there 's any other night in the month that I can cry, disagree, ponder,  agree, and then laugh till I cry. We know each other so well and have been through so many ups and downs. Book club is a treat, and it is a treat because of this group of SISTAS. I laughed so hard tonight my friend told us that her two year old grabbed her phone and "liked" all of HER OWN pictures on Facebook. She said everyone started to comment on the pictures saying things like.....you never change..etc. She was like YEAH because that is the same picture that has been on there for five years..OH HOW WE LAUGHED..tears were streaming down our faces. I had to cut out early..early being oneish...SIGH, how lucky am I? I have been thinking of all the ways I am lucky the last week or so...Lucky to have sisters, lucky to have a son, a daughter. Lucky in so many glorious ways.

Tootaloo.

A Few Good Men

First, I just have to give a little plug to Penguin Air. I have used this company twice and have had a WONDERFUL experience BOTH times. They are honest and came to my house RIGHT away. The first time my A/C unit went out. (horrible) This time I had a few issues with my RO water system and some plumbing stuff. It was fixed in a snap and the price was right! I even signed up for the yearly maintenance plan, you know being a single gal I need the homestead to run smoothly. If you need help with A/C or plumbing give them a buzz # 480-747-6807

Family Home Evening

My kids are usually at their Dad's house on Monday nights so it was a treat when he asked if I wanted to have the kids stay with me yesterday. I planned a simple FHE lesson in which I just read a short story from my Grandpa's life history book. He had to put the cow's to pasture, he was not very old. He said the pasture was about a mile from the house and when he would get to the gate it was so tight he could barely get it open but then could not get it closed. He would struggle with it until he was wringing with sweat. He said he would then remember that his Dad had told him if any time he had done all he could and still couldn't finish the task to kneel down and ask the Lord to help and he would come to his aid. He stated that many times he remembered kneeling down after all that struggle and on the first try the gate would close. 

I began to cry as I told this story of my Grandpa and his childhood example of exercising faith and the power of prayer. However, it was the last line in the short story that struck me the strongest it said, "I don't know why it didn't occur to me to pray before I had become so exhausted." My children asked why I was crying and I explained to them that I felt the spirit, I asked them if they felt the peaceful calm feeling? We discussed this a bit and then read scriptures however I kept thinking about the last line. 

Why is it I don't stop to pray for help until I have become EXHAUSTED? There have been so many times that I struggle and struggle and it isn't until I kneel down in REAL conversation with my Father in Heaven that I get relief. I don't always get immediate answers to prayer...the gate doesn't immediately close for me all the time...however, the calm assurance that Heavenly Father is in control is always present. The calm feeling that all will be well, that I just have to keep doing what I have been doing. If I can just try to be a little better each day. 

It wasn't much later that I was checking my email from work and received a note about some assessments that are coming up for the kiddo's. I sat looking at the computer screen and I began to worry if my class would do well. Had I taught them enough? I know that in the time I have been in my classroom I have not slacked one bit. I have worked to get these kids ready and crammed as much as I can into those little craniums of theirs. Will it translate? Will the tests show my work? The what ifs began to flood in. Then, I remembered the FHE we had just had. I knew and Heavenly Father knows that I have done my job and then some. I knelt down in prayer and handed it over to the Lord. There is not much else I can do for the tests this week, I just prayed that he would be with my students and help them to show that they know their stuff. That they would be calm and able to think. I then drifted into a restful, wonderful sleep and was happy to get my sweet children ready for the day and then greet my lovely little class. Set one of three tests down.

I am grateful for good men, for good examples and for the blessings of family.

Can it be true?

I'm ready to close the gap.

Oh...how I love to travel.

I love it so much. 

I get the itch every so often, I may go to Mexico for a few days over Spring Break but that won't scratch the itch.  I want to go somewhere I am anonymous, inconsequential to the everyday happenings of the people. If I could I would go to my beloved France. Je taime. Sigh.

I am hoping..HOPING that I get to go ahead with my plans to go to Spain this summer. I have my Rick Steve's Spain 2013, I just need a plane ticket now. The only thing is.... I also need a car. Soon. The car I am driving isn't mine. ( It is a 2003 with 210,000 miles on it) It is my Dad's and he is letting me "lease" it while my brother is in Mexico City serving a two year mission. I miss that boy! I will be happy when he comes home but sad to lose my car. He will be home in August and I am trying to save as much as I can so I can buy a car without a big payment. I hope my brother doesn't mind that I added some Ragnar stickers to his car. My fingers are crossed that all goes well and I can do both. I love to have things like that to look forward too! Trips! 

You know, I have been thinking a lot lately. About travel, life and the things I am passionate about. It was maybe a year ago that I was really struggling with life. You know, just a rough patch. I had so many worries and responsibilities and I wondered if I would ever find a partner in crime that would match me. There are so many things I like to do and yet I have not met a man that feels like he would be a good fit. I do enjoy dating, sort of. :) At the time I guess I just felt discouraged. I had been dating several guys and they would like some of the things I liked which is FINE but would also question why I did the the things I did...like blog. I blog because I like to write. I have these feelings that I can't say and I sometimes just have to put them somewhere. It is important for me to feel like I have a voice. I love to travel, I have dated men who never want to travel they are just happy being where they are. Boring. OKAY. BOR-ING. I love my home, and I love my family because they are home but I looooove adventure. I thirst for it. Not go to Disney adventure either. Real life adult adventure. I love to teach and sometimes I work very hard at it. Sometimes I spend too much time on it, but I am alone a lot you see and so I pour my time into the things that I love. I love the gospel, I have a solid testimony. I am who I say I am, I go to church every Sunday, I like to go to the temple every other week or so if I can. ( oh shoot! I have to renew that thing!) I teach an adult class at church. Some men are not so dedicated, and that is okay for them but I would like to go on a mission some day. I want someone who would like to come to the temple with me without me having to beg. I just don't want to drag someone by their coat tails. I want a man who is dedicated because of his OWN testimony, and if he would like to serve a mission in the French Temple in a few decades AWESOME! I love to be outside, I love the sun on my shoulders and I will even sing the John Denver song that goes along with it too. I love to sing fake opera in my house and during sacrament meeting and I love the movies a diet coke and popcorn but only at Harkins. I also love to play board games with my family on Sunday nights and not your run of the mill Monopoly or Scrabble games either. I love to cook, and I love to eat out at new restaurants. I love Last Chance. I love shoes, I would really love a guy that would at least tolerate me going to Last Chance and buying shoes, and maybe eating at a new yummy restaurant we have never tried. There is an helper at school who is a man and commented that I have CRRAZZZZY shoes. He was talking about my red Tom's Wedges. Hmph. Those are actually pretty tame.  I love to work out and run and hike and ride bikes, but my bike is broken so maybe if there was a guy that would help me fix my bike that would be great. Oh, and help me take down those darn Christmas lights that the HOA just fined me $15 for because I haven't had the chance to take them down yet. 

You see, I can do all of these things by myself. It would just be way more fun if I could be the shotgun rider. So back to a year ago and the rough patch. I had a blessing, I had met with my Bishop and after sharing my struggles he offered to give one to me. In it it said, there is a man who is prepared for you and he will support/share your passions. Sometimes I think, Can this be true? Is that possible? It must be. I hope so. 

Truth about Valentine's Day

 It was Valentines Day yesterday. What can I say about that day? This is what I will say. It was the first year I didn't mourn. I celebrated love. I basked in the love I had and was surrounded by, and it was a blessing and a delight. However, that doesn't mean that I did not do a little emotional eating thanks to my student's and their mother's wonderful baking abilities...it just meant later that day that I hit the gym. This is a picture of my cutie's at our special Valentines Day dinner. You know, I could have made spaghetti and cut heart shaped pieces of garlic bread for them.  My friend did that for her kids. We went to Famous Dave's and got Ribs..why you ask? I don't know that is what my kids wanted, it was either that or Panda ESPRESS as Ellie says.

Mom's know their kids better than anyone right? I hope so. This is one of my favorite quotes. It is true. I would rather have flowers on my table than diamonds on my neck. My Mom surprised me with my favorite flower. Tulips in a gorgeous orange red, oh they are so beautiful! So the day passed, just like any other except this year my heart was open to love.

Back to Me

Friends: Adam, Dior, Patrick

Best Quote of the day Randy Curits and Adam Wells, "Ya, Dior just ride to the top of the mountain with us, I am pretty sure there are some blue slopes up there."

...Uh, nope there were no blue trails only black diamonds but guess who tackled it without a whimper (ok maybe a few whimpers) ME! 

Two years and counting. This is about how long I have been divorced. 

I feel like a sculpture, like that blob of clay a sculptor would look at and wonder what it would become. The interesting thing about this is that not only am I the piece of art, I am also part sculptor. It is through my choices that will determine the end result. With that metaphor I will explain.....

When I was first divorced I had so much work to do. I can look back in my mind's eye and see my life. I had goals and dreams that were dashed and I was determined to be back on track with those. I honestly thought I would be remarried soon and so I began to date and go to a few singles activities when I didn't have the kids. 

I had my own ideas of how being a mid-single would be. Now, after actually being a mid-single my ideas have drastically changed. In the beginning I went to single functions thinking I would find a husband, get remarried and be happily on my way to eternal life. I was looking for acceptance from outside sources instead of within myself.

I would often have a bad attitude about the whole singles thing, divorce, etc. What I did not realize is there was some sculpting to be done. I had some real work to do with numero uno. It has been through these two years I have had the opportunity to become whole again. The first step was learning that I was beautiful, that men would really want to date...me. I felt such fear at the beginning, I thought who would want to date me? I am this and this and this and this...a litany of negative attributes would conglomerate in my mind. Then, I began to date and I learned that I was datable. I think a lot of divorcee's feel this way in the beginning. I am so grateful for the gradual steps I have gone through to see myself for who I am, who I ALWAYS have been. Through life circumstances I forgot who I was and that I had worth. It was like a big chunk of clay broke away and a piece of the sculpture was revealed. 

I struggled spiritually, financially, physically, and emotionally. 

I worked at the spiritual, daily doing the things that needed to be done. Even though some days it was just a quick prayer while laying on my bed before I fell into sleep, it was progress. Perfection I have learned is a process and there is a lot to be said for someone who is trying. I learned that MY BEST, IS GOOD ENOUGH. I also learned that my best is not your best and vice versa. I learned to accept myself and my good efforts, another chunk of clay fell away. I had always been such a perfectionist when it came to the gospel. However, with that came a lot of guilt if I couldn't be the; be all, do all Mormon woman. 

I was emotionally broken. I made some dumb emotional decisions. (like getting a dog for instance) Through a lot of work spiritually, and with the guidance of a counselor I took small steps toward becoming whole again. I won't go into details about this as a lot of it is personal. I accepted myself.  I feel like I am stronger, healthier and happier than ever. 

I used to leave singles activities feeling so depressed! I felt like what a crappy hand life has dealt me that I have to be at these stupid activities. I now see that I had a bad attitude! I also learned that the problem wasn't the activity....just like Jack Sparrow says. I have learned that not all singles activities are for EVERYONE. To me the activity makes all the difference. I have learned that if it's something that I like to DO, generally I will then have fun at the activity. The problem in the beginning was this....I didn't even know what I liked to do. I had lost myself, and my likes and dislikes. I have learned that I am a DOER. So the singles activities I most enjoy are when the group is DOING stuff that I like to do. When the activity is fun I always leave with a happy attitude! I feel like my time was well spent. I don't look for a husband, I go to DO something fun. I go to meet new friends, and I figure if there is someone there who is interested in me they will ask me out. There are a lot of "groups." I don't worry so much about the groups, I just look for activities I like and sound fun. I have never been a person who fits in any one group anyway, I have always preferred to just be friends with everybody. 

Snowboarding this weekend for instance, was a BLAST. I was able to visit with friends, to laugh at myself, and to revisit something that I enjoy doing. 

Another chunk of clay etched away. 

There are a lot of other things that have been etched away from this sculpture. I am sure there are a lot more chunks to be taken away too. I am grateful today to look back over the last few years and see something weak and broken become strong and able. In all aspects of my life I feel that I am a better person, a better mother and a better friend. I am living this life fully. How grateful I am to have this time to become a better version of me! There are a lot of negatives to being single, but...there are A LOT of positives too! I have moved forward and done a lot of progression in these last two years that probably never would have happened if I was still married. How lucky is that?

Two years and I am back to me, and man it feels GOOD!

Unfair

My Birthday Girl 6 years old

I wish I could say that life is just, that it is fair. That everything is even, but it isn't. Especially divorce. Divorce isn't fair and the thing is, it isn't fair to ANYBODY. Ellie just had her 6th birthday party. Her Dad and I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese because that is where she wanted to go. It was just her Dad, Step mom, brother, stepsister a few friends and I. I think it was a success. 

I often think how crummy it must be to go back and forth between parents, to always be in transit. I think divorce is worst for the kids. They are the innocents, they didn't have a choice and yet they have to change and roll with it. My children have been exceptional throughout all of the changes. There have been the hurt feelings, the tantrums and melt downs which in the case of a family splitting up are totally expected. I have worked very hard to try and keep life the same for them. Their Dad is wanting more time with them and of course he does. But that is just not fair. It isn't fair to anyone. 

I am working full time again. I love it. Personally, I feel re-awakened to the talent of teaching the Lord has blessed me with. I am excited to go to work each day, to learn new things and meet new friends. To teach children who are excited to learn and happy to see me. It is really the very first change the children have had in OUR home. On one hand I wish I could be a stay at home Mom, but on the other this job was a direct blessing from the Lord. In more ways than one. It is where I am supposed to be right now. There is a trade though, just like staying home there was a trade to not working. I struggled immensely to make ends meet last summer. This summer I can pay the bills. But, I have to trade being able to go on field trips, and volunteering in the kids classrooms. It is fair, and yet, it isn't. There have been a few changes in the routine with me working, but they are temporary and not much of a disruption to our normal routine. Next year, I will have the kids come with me. 

Tonight the kids stopped by to pick up a few things to take to their Dad's house. As they were getting ready to leave Ellie just wanted to stay. She pleaded, she lay on the couch and got teary eyed, she wanted to stay with Mom. Frankly, I wanted her to stay with Mom too. Her Dad said no, after all it was his night. She tried to be brave but I could feel her tender heart as she blinked the tears away. I hugged her and kissed her soft little cheek. I wish I could have just rocked her, the way Mom's should get to do when their children's hearts are sad. It wasn't fair and yet it is.

This is the only way I can bear it. It is fair because the Lord has a plan for all of us, a blueprint for our lives. He knows everything, and has custom designed trials for each of us that will help us grow to our best potential. It is how we learn to react in these trials that we grow in the way HE wants us to grow and develop. Most of these trials are not fair. Not fair because we can't see the bird's eye view, we don't hold the blueprint. Luckily, we have Jesus Christ who atoned not only for the sinner, but for ALL of the things that are unjust, the things we can't control. I know that all of these things will be made up to my children, to me. If we just try to follow the blueprint, the plan. If we allow Christ in our lives and let him take the hurts and the unfairness away at some point we will see things clearly. I have faith in this, because I don't understand the whys. I have faith that every little thing will be alright. 

Move Over B&@#%...........

I love these Hey Girl...things they crack me up.

From the Mouths of Babes, or 8 and 6 year olds in my case. 

Each night my kids and I read scriptures. Ok. The truth is, we read scriptures on the nights I remember. Anyway. We were all in my bed and my son looks at me with his big chocolate brown eyes, freckles and crooked teeth and says, "Mom, when are you going to get married? We need a stepdad. Our house and Dad's house need to be even, and I need a brother." 

I didn't know what to say so I just said, "Maybe you should ask Heavenly Father."

A few days later we were at In-N-Out and he said, "Hey Mom see that guy sitting over there eating with his son? His son looks nice, and he looks nice too, do you want me to see if he'd like to go on a date with you?"

To this I said, "Son. He is married, he has a ring on his finger."

I am not quite sure how to address this. I just told him not to worry so much about it. 

This morning as I was dropping the kids off to go to school, Ellie unbuckled her seat belt and said to Aydan, "Move over bit**. " I think my jaw dropped to the floor because I never say that word! ( I prefer the s word) I asked her where she heard it and she just shrugged. She said, I don't know. I gave her the that is not a nice word lecture and she admitted that she didn't know what it meant. 

I am pretty much feeling like a competent parent that has everything under control, Oh yeah, except for the fact that I put the oven on self clean and now my house smells like it got caught in an invisible fire.

I think I will just keep saying my affirmations. Unasain Daddy Long Legs came up with them and they are pretty good. We remind each other as often as we can. Here it goes: I am skinny and I am a quality man magnet. 

Good Night.

Meerkat, Lemur, Sqirrelkitty, Opossum?

I have to say that I have been really blessed to be allowed to be single and in my thirties. If I had never divorced I would have missed all of the spectacular activities I get to participate in. Like the one pictured above for example. Let me tell you about it.

The activity was fun, I met a lot of people I had never met. I was able to visit with a whole bunch of new friends. It got me out of the house and away from work which I have been logging over 70 hours a week as of late. While I was visiting a nice group of people I noticed a woman walk up holding this little thing. She came over and started talking all about this little animal, which was pretty cute I have to admit.
 The woman was quite knowledgeable about this creature and told us that it was a marsupial and all about its other family members and their personality traits. For instance, she couldn't bring the sister because she was far too inquisitive, and she couldn't bring the mother or father because they could jump very far distances. I began to be curious and so I asked questions about these animals. She said they roam freely in her home. I asked, "Do they go to the bathroom everywhere? Don't they stink?" To which she answered that their feces smells like hazelnut coffee. She asked me if I wanted to hold it, and I said I didn't. She continued to give lots of facts about her pets and their breeding, how the mother cares for the young etc. As she was talking the wheels in my brain began to churn as she didn't have this little animal with her when I first walked in. I said, "Where are you keeping him, do you have a cage? I didn't see him earlier."
 She reminded me that he was a marsupial and a baby, and that marsupials like to be carried in pockets that are, close to the heart.

And then I realized where it had been all along........................

And after that, I HAD to have a picture with it. So you could see, how fun it is to be me, in my thirties, and single.